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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I’d be stupid to take him back?

29 replies

ScruffyPup · 06/07/2019 11:30

I need cold hard truths about this so please be as brutal as you want.

Split up with ex of 6 months a few weeks ago, he’s text asking if we can give things another go, I’m feeling tempted because he was the first person in a long time I’ve actually felt something for and I always hoped it would work with us. I’m finding myself making excuses for his behaviour when we were together and thinking I was just expecting too much. AIBU to put up some examples so I can see what others think?

We’d arranged to meet up, he was going out with friends the night before so I’d said just text when you wake up and let me know what time you want to meet up. I didn’t hear anything from him until I text him in the afternoon - when we were out he mentioned he’d been awake since about 9am so it felt like he wasn’t bothered about seeing me.

Many times he’d said he’d text me later in the day and didn’t. Often wouldn’t text me in a day unless I’d text him first.

It was my birthday after we’d been together 3 months and I didn’t even get a card off him.

I’m not being needy expecting more than this am I? I keep doubting myself because I know I have a tendency to be sometimes. Really need other people to tell me I’m being stupid and stop me thinking about this

OP posts:

mussolini9 · 06/07/2019 11:41

I’m not being needy expecting more than this am I?

Absolutely not.

Run for the hills. This man does not give you the thought & effort you give him. That is not going to change. Don't let him toy with you again. Stay strong & wait for a decent guy who reciprocates your feelings.

Jupiters · 06/07/2019 11:41

Cold hard truth? He's not that into you. He carry on his old behaviour and when something new comes along he'll be off. He's shown he doesn't respect you and if you take him back this still isn't going to change. Sorry. I've had ex's like this and they don't change.

Original poster

ScruffyPup · 06/07/2019 12:36

Thank you I needed to hear that. I know deep down that he probably wasn’t that interested in me but I still have a little bit of hope which is making me question things.

I’ve asked on here before about being needy when we were together - he stopped speaking to me in the middle of a text conversation because he went out with his friends with no explanation to me. I was told I was nerdy for expecting him to tell me what he was up to but it wasn’t about that it was feeling like I wasn’t important enough to him to let me know what was going on and leave me waiting for a reply. So I wasn’t sure about my judgement with regards to being needy or not.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 06/07/2019 13:14

OP, you know you are well rid.

Don't even consider it.

He's a user.

He'll use you till something else comes alone.

Keep your dignity and tell him you "just aren't into him".

Twat.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 06/07/2019 13:25

You have every right to have needs and expect them to be met.

He is careless with your feelings and doesn’t prioritise or respect you.

Don’t give him another chance.

Yeahnahmum · 06/07/2019 13:26

No op! You deserve more. Way more. A man that replies to you first thing in the morning because he actually wants to be with you. Not this sad excuse of a man. Run in oposite direction and substitute him by chocolate. Or Netflix. Or a beachwalk. Or just meet a great guy that will make you realise how shit this one is :)

Bambamber · 06/07/2019 13:28

Regardless of whether or not others would class you as needy, you obviously want more from him than he is prepared to give so you aren't compatible.

Motoko · 06/07/2019 13:42

I bet he's only contacted you again, because he's not met anyone else yet, so you'll do for now. You'll be there for him, when he wants sex, and he can spend the rest of the time with his mates.

It's not "needy" to expect someone to let you know, in the middle of a text conversation, that they're going out and will carry on chatting later. It's just good manners.

Block him, don't go back.

Original poster

ScruffyPup · 06/07/2019 14:04

Thank you this has all helped me feel stronger about saying no to him. I know I should want someone who I think would actually care about spending time with me or who would treat me better but it’s hard to let go when I felt a lot for him.

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 06/07/2019 14:08

You’re never going to find Mr Right if you stick with Mr Mediocre...

Original poster

ScruffyPup · 06/07/2019 19:17

Sorry to come back to this.

I’ve spoken to him this afternoon and said I didn’t think we should give things another go because I didn’t feel like he really cared about me. He said he was unsure about something (it’s a bit personal so I don’t want to put what it is) that he thought might mean the relationship wouldn’t work so that made him a bit distant with me.

That doesn’t change anything though does it? He’s still not treated me right even if that was the reason? I can’t think straight about what I think is right or not anymore.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 06/07/2019 20:05

OP, he's most likely spinning you a line.

Your gut is telling you he just wasn't into you.

I know you liked him but don't let him "settle" for you.

You deserve to be someone's priority.

It really is that easy.

Keep looking, and keep your chin up.

You sound like a lovely woman👍

Motoko · 06/07/2019 20:53

Of course he had a "reason" for treating you like he did, he wants you back, so he'll play on your heart strings. Don't believe a word of it.

Don't go back, and block him. Don't speak to him again, it's unnecessary, and it will give him another chance to get you to change your mind.

There will be another man out there, who you really like/will fall in love with, who will feel the same about you. Don't deny yourself the chance of meeting him, by hanging around with this bloke.

Rip the plaster off, hit that block button. Do it now!

Original poster

ScruffyPup · 06/07/2019 21:10

Thank you. He was always like this when we were together, if I was upset with something he’d do or say just enough to make me think there was something about me he wanted still so it made me doubt the feelings of him not caring about me.

OP posts:

Motoko · 06/07/2019 22:42

You're worth more than that!

BlueSuffragette · 06/07/2019 22:46

Walk away. You deserve better.

Snowy81 · 06/07/2019 22:52

He’s just not that into you. Walk away, before you get hurt even more.

Snog · 07/07/2019 07:58

You are worth more. Set the bar higher and you will be rewarded by a partner who values and respects you.

This guy is not worth your time and will continue to treat you badly.

Original poster

ScruffyPup · 07/07/2019 08:56

Thanks everyone. You’re right I want more than I had with him. I want someone who wants to spend time with me and who doesn’t make me feel like I’m the last thing he thinks of. My self-esteem was slowly being taken away every time he did something like this. There were so many more things he did than I’ve written here so if you all think that just from those examples it’s helping making me feel more confident that I’m not expecting too much from someone.

OP posts:

katewhinesalot · 07/07/2019 08:59

Its basic respect. A friend shouldn't act like that, let alone a bf.

Blanca87 · 07/07/2019 09:00

I would stop contacting him now. Otherwise he will try and weasel his way back in.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 07/07/2019 09:03

You need to increase your standards and believe that you are worth a decent partner in life. Run away and find better!

Original poster

ScruffyPup · 07/07/2019 10:05

Thanks everyone. I haven’t been in contact with him again since yesterday, I left it as saying I didn’t think I’d want to give things another go but his reasons were making me doubt myself and the feelings I still had were clouding my judgement of it. I’ll block his number now and not contact him again. Thanks again everyone for helping me realise that I should want more, it’s helped me a lot to get some objective thoughts.

OP posts:

Motoko · 07/07/2019 11:00

I'm glad we've been able to help.

Onwards and upwards!

MeanMrMustardSeed · 07/07/2019 11:32

Good on you! Good luck

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