So my partner and I have DS (14 months). Since he’s been born my family have been a massive support. They would bring food, help out with cleaning or offering to give me a break when I needed it. They’ve also been a huge help financially and if my mum is coming around she will always have some form of present for DS.
I have little support outside of them and genuinely think I would have suffered from PND without them around for the first year. My partner worked night shifts for nearly 7 months. In that time me and DS barely saw him as he was always working. Once a week I would stay with family (mum and sister, we are very close). Normally take DS out and go out for lunch/shopping etc.
Since DS has been born in-laws have seen him sometimes once a month or longer periods depending on how busy they are. They actually live closer to us then my own parents do. For whatever reason since DS has been little if MIL holds him, he begins crying/screaming. MIL has only babysat 2x. The second time DS screamed for about 2 hours and then passed out. Since he’s seen her after this, he tends to start crying.
I did explain to my partner that it might be because he doesn’t know her well. And that it might be better for MIL to spend more time with him with all of us before babysitting. DH stated that I was being controlling and feels his mum can only have a “real” relationship with DS if I am not present. I find this strange as although I see my family often, I’ve never had to leave DS in order for them to bond.
She doesn’t ever offer to look after DS and rarely comes around to see DGS. Normally it’s my DH that makes the effort by taking DS to her home once a month and inviting her around when she’s free.
MIL stated she would like to spend more time with DGS. I’ve also said she is more then welcome to and knows she can pop around anytime to see him. This doesn’t really happen. I’m not interested in forcing MIL into doing anything she doesn’t want to and have basically left the ball in her court in regards to DS.
My DH seems to think that this is my fault. Apparently DS has spent a lot of time with my family and therefore has a strong preference for them. DH states that I’ve “pushed his family out”. I try to speak to MIL often but she is quite busy as she works full time and her youngest is 10.
It feels as though the responsibility is completely on me to make contact with in laws and arrange contact. Why can’t DH or in laws?
For DS first birthday party I was quite poorly. Family had offered to help out with small arrangements that needed doing. My partner had also asked his mum and sister to help out. DH wanted them to feel included. I thought this was a fab idea. Sister in law offered to come around to do decorations. She never showed up. So me and my sister did this. MIL also stated she would bring food on the day. She showed up 4 hours late after everyone got there.
None of his family bought any presents for DS. I didn’t say anything at all to DH. I could see he was quite upset about it.
This is currently building lots of resentment between DH and I. DH feels DS “ isn’t part of his family with in laws but is very much involved in mine”. I’m getting the blame for most of it. I don’t know how to rectify the situation. If I stop seeing my family as much, this would not increase contact with his family. My DS adores my mum very much and looks forward to visiting. I guess I’m wondering is there anything I can do to improve this situation. Is it my fault?