Mil and DH

[Mamathebest]

So my partner and I have DS (14 months). Since he’s been born my family have been a massive support. They would bring food, help out with cleaning or offering to give me a break when I needed it. They’ve also been a huge help financially and if my mum is coming around she will always have some form of present for DS.

I have little support outside of them and genuinely think I would have suffered from PND without them around for the first year. My partner worked night shifts for nearly 7 months. In that time me and DS barely saw him as he was always working. Once a week I would stay with family (mum and sister, we are very close). Normally take DS out and go out for lunch/shopping etc.

Since DS has been born in-laws have seen him sometimes once a month or longer periods depending on how busy they are. They actually live closer to us then my own parents do. For whatever reason since DS has been little if MIL holds him, he begins crying/screaming. MIL has only babysat 2x. The second time DS screamed for about 2 hours and then passed out. Since he’s seen her after this, he tends to start crying.

I did explain to my partner that it might be because he doesn’t know her well. And that it might be better for MIL to spend more time with him with all of us before babysitting. DH stated that I was being controlling and feels his mum can only have a “real” relationship with DS if I am not present. I find this strange as although I see my family often, I’ve never had to leave DS in order for them to bond.

She doesn’t ever offer to look after DS and rarely comes around to see DGS. Normally it’s my DH that makes the effort by taking DS to her home once a month and inviting her around when she’s free.
MIL stated she would like to spend more time with DGS. I’ve also said she is more then welcome to and knows she can pop around anytime to see him. This doesn’t really happen. I’m not interested in forcing MIL into doing anything she doesn’t want to and have basically left the ball in her court in regards to DS.
My DH seems to think that this is my fault. Apparently DS has spent a lot of time with my family and therefore has a strong preference for them. DH states that I’ve “pushed his family out”. I try to speak to MIL often but she is quite busy as she works full time and her youngest is 10.

It feels as though the responsibility is completely on me to make contact with in laws and arrange contact. Why can’t DH or in laws?

For DS first birthday party I was quite poorly. Family had offered to help out with small arrangements that needed doing. My partner had also asked his mum and sister to help out. DH wanted them to feel included. I thought this was a fab idea. Sister in law offered to come around to do decorations. She never showed up. So me and my sister did this. MIL also stated she would bring food on the day. She showed up 4 hours late after everyone got there.

None of his family bought any presents for DS. I didn’t say anything at all to DH. I could see he was quite upset about it.

This is currently building lots of resentment between DH and I. DH feels DS “ isn’t part of his family with in laws but is very much involved in mine”. I’m getting the blame for most of it. I don’t know how to rectify the situation. If I stop seeing my family as much, this would not increase contact with his family. My DS adores my mum very much and looks forward to visiting. I guess I’m wondering is there anything I can do to improve this situation. Is it my fault?

Hello aqua. DH’s logic is that as I am DS main Carer and I’m with him most of the day . It should be my responsibility to sort out and arrange contact with MIL. And because he’s busy working all day..

Tell him that since he thinks you’re the main carer and he isn’t willing to step up, then YOU will make the decisions. He can’t have it both ways. Demanding that your facilitate his mother’s contact, while he does fuck all.

Actually, point out to him, that since it is HIS mother, then it is HIS responsibility to sort out and arrange contact between his child and HIS mother. He’s a dick.

I think your husband needs to realise that his mum has a full time job and a ten year old! His son is not going to be very far up on her list of priorities. As she has shown.

Try to reassure him that there is no hurry. Your son will always be there and if his mum has more time and inclination in the future then great. In the meantime it all sounds rather too stressful.

I hope he appreciates and enjoys your family's interest in him. It's a shame he is being rather childish about it all.

It's always difficult when the child gets more comfort from one parent but as he gets older and when you are not around then if he is a comforting parent then i am sure your ds will come to be fine with his father too.

" It should be my responsibility to sort out and arrange contact with MIL. And because he’s busy working all day.."

Well there's a double standard right there. Working full-time means that he shouldn't have to sort out or arrange contact. MIL is also working full-time (and looking after a 10yr-old) but he thinks that she should be doing more?

Does your DH not realise that he's being a hypocrite here?

Awww I think your DH has emotional issues OP to sort with his mother. Perhaps he feels neglected or felt neglected and seeing your family dote over you to support you and your child is making him jealous and desperate for more attention from his mother..

I think he needs to get over it. To stop comparing.. and also, I think you need to see it for what it is and not feel guilty or take it upon yourself to fix his issues. You carry on enjoying your family and let your son do that too...

And tell him to get cracking with his issues.. his mum loves him but is busy. She probably can do more if she wanted to.. he probably can do more too..

This is not competition, the child should get as much love as is available

By any chance is the 10 yr old a half brother to your husband?

DH stated that I was being controlling and feels his mum can only have a “real” relationship with DS if I am not present

This statement would really worry me, OP. I also suspect that it isn't a first-hand statement but is being repeated from somewhere. This is oft-used controlling grandparent rhetoric; the like of which I've frequently heard myself.

Your DC is still very young, and I'm failing to see the necessity of elbowing his mum out of the picture so that someone else can have a relationship with him at his expense. It tempts me to ask what these people want out of a relationship with your DC that they don't want you to see. In this scenario, I'd be compelled to ask that question openly.

Your DH is very possibly in the FOG for some reason if his DM exerts this degree of control over hi. But one thing that needs making clear to him is that it isn't a competition as to whose side of the family spends more time with DC. The key here is what's in DC's best interests, not divvying up contact time on a roster to be 'fair' to the fragile egos of grown adults.

MiL needs to grow up. If possible, she should be told that in no uncertain terms. As for DH, I think a come to Jesus talk would be well in order. You need to stick to your guns, or your later life is going to become unbearable, and trust me, this sort of situation doesn't improve unless you assert strong boundaries. It will get worse.

You are D, D, NBU.