To think a lot of people are really bad at empathising with others situations?

[jennymanara]

I know so many people, and see it on here as well, who are really bad at understanding or empathising with others situations if they have no personal experience of it. I think there are lots of people who even when they have it explained to them what that person is experiencing, seem incapable of understanding it.
So AIBU to think a lot of people, maybe even most, have very poor empathy skills?

Empathy is a tricky one. Sometimes it is near impossible to adequately empathise having never experienced similar yourself. People draw upon their own experiences to help others generally, that’s why support groups exist.

My own personal experience was with missed miscarriages a couple of years ago. The only people who actually understood had experienced baby loss themselves. Those who hadn’t passed ridiculous comments which could be mistaken as lacking empathy. In reality, they just didn’t understand the pain.

I think it can also depend on the situation as to empathy levels. Some things we truly have no control over, most things we do and the choices we make ovaries ours to own.

I know people do not totally understand something if they have not experienced it themselves. But I have had friends who have been able to understand most of something I am experiencing despite not experiencing it themselves, and others who it is clear simply do not have a clue.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss I can empathise with people who have made bad decisions, we are all only human. I don't think - oh tough luck you made your own choices.

I find this post a bit confusing. Of course everyone can’t empathise with everything. OP you can’t empathise with everyone who might come to you with a problem. What kind of person would actually be capable of that? It’s not possible

I know what you mean OP. I have a couple of friends who have surprising insight into how I might be feeling in a given situation, despite never having been in the same situation themselves. But most people just approach all scenarios from their own limited life experience

Yes my DP is excellent at understanding how others might be feeling about different situations.
Whereas I know friends who empathise with people who have cancer because their sister had cancer, but don't empathise with my DH who has a serious life limiting illness. The illnesses have very different causes, but they seem to have had little understanding that my DH has been exhausted and seen him as lazy, whereas they will sympathise with exhaustion with friends who have cancer.

I have come to the conclusion over the years that most people are actually very bad at empathy.

@Passthecherrycoke Yes I think it is possible. Of course they can not totally understand every situation, but they can have an insight into it and a fairly accurate guess of how it might feel. But people like this are in general much better at listening to other people and what they are actually saying about their experiences. By the time you have got to my age, you have if you are sociable met people who have gone through most things in life.

A lot of people get empathy and sympathy mixed up. We can all give sympathy to someone when something happens, but not everyone has that empathic skill of putting themselves in someone's shoes, and see the world through their eyes, why they do what they do, and why they say what they say.

On many a training courses I’ve delivered, I’ve had numerous people who really struggle with empathy. E.g they will say ‘well why didn’t they just do x,y,z? If I was in their position I would do x,y,x’. It really shows that they haven’t the empathic skills that come naturally to many other people, and that it’s not about why they do, it’s about the other person and what they have available to them.

Most people can't see past their own front door, or understand that others don't think/feel the same as them and react differently to different things.

@snowy I totally agree. The small ways I see lack of empathy skills is in present buying. So many people buy presents they would like to get, rather than what the person themselves would like. My dad is guilty of this, expensive presents, but things he would really like for his house.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw This is a brilliant way of understanding empathy...

@jennymanara do you really think so? You met someone who has been starving in a famine, watched their daughters raped and husband murdered by soldiers, been in a refugee camp for years? You met someone who has aids, or lost their legs in a bombing, or lost their uninsured house in a fire?

How could you seriously, truly empathise with those people? I’m sure they’d think you were being trite and uncaring too.

It’s just not something anyone can do for EVERYONE. Not properly.

I think that empathy is not uncomplicated. On the one hand, I agree with you. Lots of people cannot make a leap of understand that extends beyond their experience. On the other, when people demand empathy people often mean they want agreement and affirmation, which is not the same thing.

@jennymanara - surely the present thing is a lack of imagination rather than empathy? Buying a present isn't an empathic response...

I think buying a present involves being able to see the world from someone else's point of view.
@Baguetteaboutit No I am not talking about agreement.
@Passthecherrycoke I thunk the refugee camp example is the one I would struggle to empathise with as I know nothing in reality about what every day life is like for people in those situations. But yes I think I can empathise with someone who has AIDS, lost their legs in a bombing or lost an uninsured house.

But it would be the person who lost their house who would be the one who decided whether got were able to offer them empathy, not yourself, wouldn’t it?

That’s what I’m not getting, this post seems quite self centred around people who haven’t been able to empathise with your families problems with no acknowledgement that you yourself may not be able to offer what others need

Some things have to be experienced to truly understand them. I thought I understood how painful it is to lose your parents. When it actually happened, I realised I really didn’t have a clue.

I agree OP, I find this a lot. I think it’s a lot to do with the ability to listen. Many people are too busy waiting for the next opportunity to talk about themselves that they don’t bother to hear what they’re being told.

Having been through something recently I am acutely aware of how many people are completely oblivious to the reality of what you’re going through, versus the people who do actually care.

But it would be the person who lost their house who would be the one who decided whether got were able to offer them empathy, not yourself, wouldn’t it?

Agree with this. Also about sympathy and empathy often getting mixed up.

Empathy requires more imagination than sympathy. A person can be sympathetic but remain in their own sphere. Empathy is about experiencing another’s emotions as their own.

That YouTube link sums it up perfectly.

It's not about finding solutions, or judging, or comparing. You don't need to have experienced it yourself.

Sadie789 a totally agree.

When your shit happens, it throws into the spotlight others lack of awareness and emotional intelligence.

I disagree that empathy is about experiencing another's emotions as your own, it is about understanding another's emotions and being able to understand their point of view.
@sadie I agree it is about listening properly.

I did not say anywhere I have excellent skills at empathy. I do know a few people who do have though. But I have better empathy skills than some people.

So many people don't seem to actually listen to what people are saying. For example, when a parent dies. I helped a close friend sort out the funeral and house when her mum died. I was with her as she told people how she felt. Then it soon became clear from what they said they had no understanding. They didn't have to have experienced a parent dying, they just had to actually properly listen to what she was telling them and understand what those emotions might feel like.

@AlpenCrazy I think a lot of people have fairly low emotional intelligence.