Ex taking DD on holiday

[InTheKitchenAtParties]

So Ex is a bit of a Disney dad. Sees DD when it suits his schedule, on average 1 night a week. He is from Europe (I'm being deliberately vague), all his family still live abroad.
He has been talking about taking DD to visit his family but no he plans were made. I agreed conditionally.
Anyway today he tells me he has decided to take her in a weeks time, for 2 weeks and is that ok?? And I need to let him know immediately so he can book annual leave from work and book the flights.
I refuse to agree to 2 weeks, 1 week is more than enough time from DD to be away from me. She is 3 btw. Her DGPs don't speak any English so there is no common language. I am certain ExP will leave DD almost exclusively in their care while he goes off and enjoys himself. I believe this will be unsettling for DD. And tbh for me also.
I have reluctantly agreed to 1 week but in ExPs mind this is not good enough. He says he is going for 2 weeks or not at all. And if his family are upset not to see DD that is my fault.
ExP can be very petty and manipulation, but I am standing my ground on this issue because I have to do what I think is best for DD. 1 week or nothing. So AIBU?

Who has her passport? If you do, I’d warn the Passport office (?) that he may claim it’s lost to get another. 2 weeks is way too long for her to be away. I’d actually refuse at all til she’s older.

Be very careful here OP. At the moment, I'd be saying if he wants his family to see her, they should visit her in the UK. Don't give him her passport.

No you're not BU. I agree she's a bit too young if she's only 3. Even one week would be too much imho. Can't they come over and take her out for days? I'd tell him no, he can't take her for two weeks and if he doesn't like it, tough.

if his family are upset not to see DD that is my fault.

So what? If that’s all he’s got to beat you with I’d keep shrugging.

Two weeks is too long. Stick to your guns.

Glad to know I'm not being hysterical and over dramatic. I have her passport and birth certificates, but I will contact the passport office.
I hate her going at all but I am being made to feel like a spiteful cow for keeping DD away from her family. It's the guilt tripping that's pissing me off the most when I feel like I'm being pretty amicable

A weeks notice isn’t enough imo nor is seeing the child once a week then expecting to take them abroad for two weeks. No would be my reply with no negotiation. If his family want to see your DD then he needs to build a relationship with her and be a hands on parent. He can’t expect her to fit in around his life. Of course she should have a relationship with his family but he and them need to realise she’s still very small and can’t take her to a strange county with strange people to her at such short notice.

I wouldn’t let her go at all. Firstly I’d be worried he wouldn’t bring her back, second she’s too young, third she can’t go and stay in someone else’s house for a week when they are strangers to her. Just say no. Good advice about her passport Keep hold of it.

ExP believes DD and GPs have a close relationship because they Skype regularly

Tbh I think you've made a bit of an error in agreeing to it at all. I get that you were trying to compromise, but his request was so unreasonable I don't think you should have entertained it. You've probably validated it in his head now.

If he wants to be taking her away from you - her primary carer - for extended periods of time then he first needs to establish regular and significant contact. She is 3 and needs to feel safe and secure with him as a proper care giver before being put in a position of having him as her sole carer for an extended period. An average of 1 night a week when he can be arsed is not adequate.

He also needs to understand that one weeks notice is not sufficient to make changes to contact. Especially changes which involve such large upheaval for your daughter. He doesn't seem to be thinking about her needs at all in any of this.

Do you think he would keep her overseas for 2 weeks even if you stand firm and say 1 week? Do you trust this man?

Agree with all PPs. Say no to the whole thing!

@WhatsInAName19 I have tried to sort out regular and consistent contact arrangements, we attended mediation but he sacked it off when it wasn't going his way, but that's a whole other story (sigh)

Three is too young to go without you. She will not be able to communicate her needs, wants, and feelings. She will not be able to ask for help. If your Ex's family wants to see her, let them come visit.
Question: Would she be going to a country where her father could then refuse to return her and you would have no legal rights?

3 years old
No way

Nope.
He is a selfish arse.
I'd not be letting her go but you must be in a rough position

I have tried to sort out regular and consistent contact arrangements, we attended mediation but he sacked it off when it wasn't going his way

I'd get that sorted first before I'd let a 3 year-old go abroad with a week's notice.

I’d be worried he’s not planning on returning her. I’d have to say no, straight up.

How do you get along? Is it a possibility that you and dd go for a weeks holiday in the same town this summer and he picks her up every afternoon to see the family and bring her back at bed time? That way she sees her family but doesn't have to miss you. Plus that you get to keep an eye on her if she is still happy and being cared for enough.

I would not let a 3 year old go abroad with an ex, period. Too much risk she won’t be back, even to an EU country.

This might help.
Can you say which country it is?

www.gov.uk/government/publications/international-parental-child-abduction/international-parental-child-abduction

I would not even allow one week. Why would you when you're confident she'll be dumped on Grandparents she doesn't even know??

Do you have a child arrangement order in place stating where your child resides, etc? If not there is no way I'd be letting him take her overseas.

Your ex can’t be arsed to have decent contact and create a proper relationship with your 3 yo. Mediation failed because he refused to engage. Now he wants to take her abroad. I wouldn’t want to agree for him to take her full stop. The length of stay is relevant. However more relevant is taking her so far away from you when he hasn’t been a proper father to her. He hasn’t proved himself to be a reliable and trustworthy parent so why would you agree to one week?

Maybe you need legal advice on this?

What country does he want to go to?

I don't think she should go at all. She's 3

She doesn't see him enough and he doesn't take care of her enough.

No.

I wouldn’t let my 3 year old go at all to be honest. I think it’s far too young. I’d say no to the whole thing!