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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to refuse a sleepover with Australian relatives?

69 replies

1478414763g · 05/07/2019 15:51

DH’s cousins are over visiting from Australia for a month, they’ve been here a week so far. His cousin and his wife are lovely and they have a 9 year old ds, 6 months older than our dd.

The problem is they have invited dd for a sleepover tomorrow night. DH says she should go but I don’t feel comfortable with this. DH and his family are not close to his Australian family, before they announced their visit this summer the last anyone spoke to them was 3 years ago and then 2 years before that. I appreciate these people are family but we don’t know them. AIBU to politely decline the sleepover?

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 05/07/2019 19:03

I agree barbarian. Meet them once or a hundred times, it's easily hidden I'm sure.

iwantavuvezela · 05/07/2019 19:03

I imagine they would like their daughter to get to know your DD better, they probably realise that travelling with a 9 year old can be tough so this will give her the opportunity to have someone around her own age. Could you not go over for dinner / drinks and stay a fair amount of the time and then if your DD wants to stay let her, if not bring her home.

Lazydaisies · 05/07/2019 19:03

I wouldn’t OP for the reasons you say. Say no thanks and don’t explain. There are 2 threads today about abuse in a family. What you find is many people literally cannot conceive that abuse can happen among their family members, while the reality it it is reasonably common and mainly prevalent among family.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 05/07/2019 19:22

if you don't get a handle on your anxiety then this will be one of a long list of fun things your dd will miss out on because of it.

for not sending your child on a sleepover with virtual strangers?
What a careless and irresponsible attitude some people pretend to have.

cccameron · 05/07/2019 19:23

iwantavuvezela idea sounds like a good compromise. Is it her first sleepover OP? My dd was about 6 when she went on her first and I hardly slept a wink all night, didn't want her to go at all. But she had an absolute ball and I'm so glad me being a worrier didn't let me stop her from going. I'm sure your dd would have a lovely time with her cousin.

cccameron · 05/07/2019 19:26

They're not strangers that25. It's the DH cousin. Just because they haven't spoken for a couple of years because he's been in Australia does not make him a stranger. Its not like they're leaving her with a random from the pub ffs

SinkGirl · 05/07/2019 19:30

What do you think will happen?

if you don't get a handle on your anxiety then this will be one of a long list of fun things your dd will miss out on because of it

This sort of attitude makes me really fucking angry.

Are we honestly pretending that child abuse doesn’t exist now? As if child abuse doesn’t happen if a child is staying with a family member you know well, let alone a distant family member you’ve never met?

It’s insane to make out that a parent who’s cautious about their child spending the night with relative strangers is suffering from anxiety.

My god, I wish my life experiences were such that I could be this ignorant.

cccameron · 05/07/2019 19:30

I've got cousins in SA, Canada and the USA that I haven't seen for years at a time. Makes no difference, we grew up together. Im perfectly secure in the knowledge that they haven't turned into Fred West in those couple of years and my dd would be perfectly safe having a sleepover with their children. I note that the DH, the one who knows the cousin has no reservations!

Original poster

1478414763g · 05/07/2019 19:31

ccameron DH had never met his cousin before today. He was born over there. They have spoken on the phone less than 10 times in their lives.

OP posts:

cccameron · 05/07/2019 19:39

What do you do though sinkgirl? Just never let them go anywhere or do anything without you? When all their friends are having a birthday sleepover do you take yours home? Genuinely would like to know. At what age would you allow them to stay with a friend or family member overnight?

cccameron · 05/07/2019 19:44

ccameron DH had never met his cousin before today. He was born over there. They have spoken on the phone less than 10 times in their lives

In that case OP I would suggest what pp did. All have dinner together and let the girls play till late so they get to spend some time together. Or have their dd for a sleepover at yours. They might jump at the chance to have a child free night while they're over here. (I'll await the thread from them about their dd staying at yours )

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 05/07/2019 19:45

They're not strangers that25. It's the DH cousin.

cousin or not, they are still stranger.
it's ludicrous to think someone should send a kid to a sleepover when they are not comfortable with it.

Go on a camping trip all together, go visit as a family, no need for a sleepover!

cccameron · 05/07/2019 20:01

*that2" I didn't realise the DH had never met his cousin. Puts a different slant on it definitely

whywhywhy6 · 05/07/2019 20:32

Nope, I wouldn’t do it. And people saying they would wave their kid off and insinuating you’re weird for hesitating are naive.

There’s no need. Say no.

SinkGirl · 05/07/2019 20:51

What do you do though sinkgirl? Just never let them go anywhere or do anything without you? When all their friends are having a birthday sleepover do you take yours home? Genuinely would like to know. At what age would you allow them to stay with a friend or family member overnight?

That would really depend on the child and the situation. Mine are too young for this to be an issue so far but I wouldn’t be comfortable with this at all.

dreichuplands · 05/07/2019 20:58

I'm guessing it is the adults you think might pose a risk to your dd not the dc so why don't you invite the dc over to your house.
You could always say that dc doesn't always get through sleep overs at other people's.

malloo · 05/07/2019 21:02

YANBU, I wouldn't. Bit strange for your DD, at least normally she would know the kid well if not the parents, in this case she doesn't know either . Mind you, I'm not a big fan of sleepovers at the best of times!

Chamomileteaplease · 09/07/2019 19:47

Also, I wouldn't want my child spending the night with people who think it is normal to ask a little girl they don't know to spend the night with them. I would worry we would have very different values and behaviours.

And that's without anything abusive going on.

Not worth the risk.

user1471449295 · 09/07/2019 19:51

I wouldn’t send my daughter either

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