EL888 quick question.
Do you feel guilty about not being able to make your mum see your worth? About not being able to meet her expectations of you as her daughter? About not being able to make her life better?
If you do then you need to tackle it, then you can have a confident conversation... where you restate the dynamic between you and her and let her realize how much power you have in it, just like she does.
And open channels of communication so that she can tell u directly what she feels instead of going to your brother.
If you don’t tackle your guilt she could be feeling safe in that dynamic because that’s one way to keep you under her wings and never dare question her... it Could be that she is stuck in victim hood mentality and needs people to feel sorry for her constantly and so to achieve that plays on your guilt and on your brothers guilt which brings her more attention. It’s an unhealthy way that some parents developed from childhood because they don’t know how to tune into their feelings of abandonment or whatever, and instead manipulate their way into negative attention.
Sorry I’m getting deep here.. but the point is, the solution to all this is tackling why you feel so “guilty” and whether this is the driving force behind how much you do for your mum.. and only then can you realise that you are stuck in FOG and enabling your life to be in someone else’s control which will soon burn you out.
The healthy dynamic is for you to do as much as you are able to do, communicate that lovingly to your mother, and let her know how much of her expectations don’t work for you so she can find ways to get them from elsewhere. You owe her clarify and you owe yourself to not go beyond your means...
As for your brother, he needs to be questioned on whether he is doing all he can for his mother.. and if not then he should get busy with himself. And if he has issues and can’t do more, then fair enough but let him know you are doing more than your fair share because of him and expect him to acknowledge that.
Furthermore.. as far as it hurts, I think even though it shouldn’t be coming from him... but there might be an element of truth.. if there is lots of resentment and anger in the tone you speak to your mum, then it’s better to tackle that. It is best that you do less for your mum but limit your resentment than do more while sounding resentful. He needs to know he is part of the solution for that if your mum has needs to be met, as if he shares responsibilities then you would feel less exploited and less resentful.
Use this opportunity to open a conversation on your mums needs, and how you all need to discuss how they should be met without one person being exploited beyond their means.
Perhaps he could pay for some services for her? Perhaps he can visit her more? Is he having emotional issues that he needs to deal with which is why he is shutting everyone out?