Not wanting to be a sahm anymore

[catoney]

I feel like I'm in a huge hole.
I'm a stay at home mum to twin toddlers and I just want to get back to work. I had been feeling fine up until now and really enjoyed it but all of a sudden, I feel depressed and lonely.
I've applied for a few jobs so I'm waiting to hear back from them. I feel like there is something wrong with me for not wanting to be with my babies everyday anymore. My mum was shocked when I told her I wanted to work - so was my grandmother. Even though my mum won't give up her work to help me...I don't expect her to but people in glass houses.
People I go to mother and toddler told me to enjoy them and make the most because they'll be going to school soon but I seriously can't wait. I love them to pieces but I just feel like I'm stagnant now.

Firstly you are amazing to have done 16mths with twins. I'd say around this age is the hardest bit that age group.

The fact that you are even worrying about this means you are a great mum and ignore shocked relatives. They really don't help matters.

Agree with the previous poster who said work out what is feasible such that you don't create a harder situation for yourself. Juggling job and schedules and travel etc is hard. Then also think about contingency plans for sick children.

Also it's worth having a think a bit longer term about what you might do when they go to school and childcare gets more complicated especially in infants years. Maybe find something that would fit with that too although it's a while away now for you.

I am not trying to be Debbie downer but giving you things to think about from my experiences.

Take care OP

Actually yes that's a good point. I had a childminder for mine so she had them from 10 months, then did nursery and school pickups so they had a lot of consistency. Plenty of schools have breakfast and after school clubs and nurseries attached though so it could be the same thing. My kids just preferred a childminder. And your sahm friends aren't you and they don't have your children. They are people who gave birth at the same time as you. Some will remain your friends, some not.

I went back to work full time when my DS was 18 months and I was SO ready to do it! He has half a day at nursery which he really enjoys, and half a day with childminder. His dad or I are home by 5pm. Honestly I think he has the best of both worlds. At nursery he mixes with a dozen other kids his own age, has learned to make friends and share, to trust other adults outside his family - he's a really happy, confident little boy. His father and I are still the constants in his life and primary carers. We do all the evening playtime, bathtime, bedtime stories, night wakeups, morning routine, breakfast etc; we have great fun together every weekend. We have no money worries and can save because we have two salaries. It's possible to be a good mother and work!

I understand OP fellow SAHM of twin toddlers (20mo now!) who have developmental delays due to extreme prematurity. I find the day to day so taxing, I can get the basics sorted and I take care of the majority of housework etc. But I’m always thinking I should do more, more time to play with them, teach them, engage with them. My DH says I do plenty and it’s evident in how happy and loving they both are, but I can’t get away from my “mum guilt”. We’re in a position where my going back to work would actually leave us worse off financially so I’m stuck.

I love my twins wholeheartedly but if I had the option, I’d happily go back to work!

I’ve decided that until they reach school age it’s unlikely I’ll be able to - so instead I’m doing some Open University courses to keep my brain engaged. I only get a few hours each week to do it, but it’s helping my mental state a lot :)

My friends often say “oh just join x y and z groups for social interaction, that will help” but I’d have to travel quite far by public transport to get to them, plus bundling the twins up to go out is exhausting :’)

DH has suggested I find a hobby group just for myself (I like art and creative writing) to go to and he’ll sort out the twins on the necessary evenings. I might do so but I’m usually so exhausted that the thought of trying to interact with other adults is somewhat daunting 😂

Good luck with your applications OP. Happy Mum makes for happy children IMO 😄