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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to be a sahm anymore

54 replies

catoney · 05/07/2019 07:09

I feel like I'm in a huge hole.
I'm a stay at home mum to twin toddlers and I just want to get back to work. I had been feeling fine up until now and really enjoyed it but all of a sudden, I feel depressed and lonely.
I've applied for a few jobs so I'm waiting to hear back from them. I feel like there is something wrong with me for not wanting to be with my babies everyday anymore. My mum was shocked when I told her I wanted to work - so was my grandmother. Even though my mum won't give up her work to help me...I don't expect her to but people in glass houses.
People I go to mother and toddler told me to enjoy them and make the most because they'll be going to school soon but I seriously can't wait. I love them to pieces but I just feel like I'm stagnant now.

OP posts:
Original poster
catoney · 05/07/2019 08:27

Yeah we are struggling for money. We're not poor but I can't just buy something I want. I don't feel the kids gain anything they wouldn't out of someone else. I mean, they won't be with their mummy at school. In answer to kids need their mummies.

OP posts:
Youwanapizzame · 05/07/2019 08:33

Crikey a practically skipped back to work after my mat leave when my twins were a year old... its keeps me sane

NewAccount270219 · 05/07/2019 08:35

People I go to mother and toddler told me to enjoy them and make the most because they'll be going to school soon

They'll be going to school in September 2022, that's not exactly right round the corner. I thought you were going to say they were 3.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all, but I've been back at work since my one year old was six months. All the antenatal group mums are going back around now, but for me I just can't imagine having been away from work for so long. It does also massively depend on your job, though - mine gives me a lot of satisfaction and enjoyment.

Dontcallmeprecious · 05/07/2019 08:40

Op do you think you might have PND or similar? Have you seen a doctor?

Of course your children need you, you are their mother, and the centre of their world. A nursery worker can't replace you, no one can. Why do you feel you bring nothing more to their lives than a stranger? I am worried why you would ever think this.

Gatoadigrado · 05/07/2019 08:40

Another one here who was back at work part time when my children were much younger than yours are. Stop feeling guilty and get on with job hunting. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting more than being at home. Don’t get me wrong: i loved my days off and found being with my babies a joy, but I think I enjoyed it more because it wasn’t every day - I had the stimulation of work too.

The only bit that’s unreasonable is implying that your mum ought to be making sacrifices to help you out.

FilthyforFirth · 05/07/2019 08:50

I intended to take a year off, but we were moving and I got an amazing new job in our new location. So I went back whem DS was 10.5 months. He was with family and nursery 1 day a week.

I couldnt be a sahm and I think after 16 months you've done a great job. Dont feel guilty about returning to work.

TheWernethWife · 05/07/2019 08:56

FFS, there is none of this angst when dads work full time, they are as much a parent as the mum. Bloody double standards imo.

dottiedodah · 05/07/2019 08:57

I appreciate you feeling tired and overwhelmed .However I do feel you maybe shouldnt push yourself too hard into a job ,and feel it will solve all your problems.Many toddlers while enjoying Nursery ,can fall ill quite often and you have logistics of pick up /drop offs when you are working .Are you looking for something new?or going back to old job or similar? .Have a look for a job by all means ,but also see if there are any mother /toddler groups you could attend .Or if possible a evening class ,just to get you out and about.

Ylvamoon · 05/07/2019 09:21

I know how you feel. I have had the opportunity to be a SAHM twice (due to Redundancies), and 6 months down the line I was looking at job pages... because I felt bored and also wanted a break from all the kids talk. My DC are a lot older now and I wor FT. It's hard at times, as anyone can tell you. But my job is fun and rewarding. I also know I wouldn't be in my current job without working (PT) through the toddler and early primary school school years. You need to do what is best for you. If it's its going to work, do it. Happy mum = happy children.

user1480880826 · 05/07/2019 09:23

It’s totally normal to want to go back to work. I went back at 15 months and it wasn’t great. I felt like myself again.

user1480880826 · 05/07/2019 09:23

*was great! Not “wasn’t” great

thecompanyplonker · 05/07/2019 09:28

I'm 5m in to mat leave and can't wait to get back to work to be honest.

StressToy · 05/07/2019 09:28

I’ve never seen why anyone would want to be a SAHP of either sex for ten minutes, far less several years, so of course YANBU.

I adore my son, but I also have a professional life entirely independent of him.

thecompanyplonker · 05/07/2019 09:28

@TheWernethWife completely agree

Napqueen1234 · 05/07/2019 09:40

Its completely normal to want/need some time apart from your children. I adore my 2 year old dd but couldn't do it 24/7! I work part time and after DC arrives I plan on having 9 months mat leave and returning 3 days a week. It works so well- I have enough time with the kids to be involved but also my own career and life outside of the home. I would really struggle with the lack of independence and personal development that being a SAHM has.

Pinkmalinky · 05/07/2019 09:43

It’s not really any of your Mum or Grandma’s business tbh. You’re not happy or satisfied as a SAHM and that’s absolutely fine, many women feel this way. It doesn’t mean you’re a shit Mum, quite the contrary.

Being a SAHM is hard, I don’t think I could do it. I’ve technically been on mat leave for a year now (I teach in a college so the six week holidays kinda blended into my Mat leave) and it has been fairly monotonous day in, day out. Very little stimulation, finding my marriage is struggling because I’m very bitter about DH being out at work etc. I’m looking forward to September, as much as I really will miss my baby. I’m just crying out for some mental stimulation beyond baby books and rhyme time class Grin.

fernandoanddenise · 05/07/2019 09:44

I’ve been a SAHM for seven years. I’m totally lost and I’d say unemployable. Go to work - your kids will be fine.

noodlenosefraggle · 05/07/2019 09:52

Kids do need their mums, and they have one! You aren't sending them to boarding school. You've been home with them for nearly a year and a half and you can go back to work and still have tons of time with them. They will be fine at nursery or a childminder They will have a mum that's not bored out of her skull too. Sahm isn't for everyone. Mine are older now and I couldn't tell you who in their class had a Sahm and who didn't

Pineapplefish · 05/07/2019 09:57

YANBU at all! Good luck with the job hunting.

Original poster
catoney · 05/07/2019 12:09

Noodle - yeah thats what i needed thanks. Its like the breastfeeding pressure. I dont feel like i can stay at home without my friends staying home - as in there is a support network of us. Its just so isolating and i feel so alone in all of this.
Ive applied for 3 jobs so far and im really ready to kick ass and get an excellent job for my babies. I do love them to bits. I just thought you had to be with them all the time to be a good mum. I'm just keeping myself happy.

OP posts:
DustOffYourHighestHopes · 05/07/2019 12:18

Go for it. It’a Good for them and good for you.

BUT
Advice - make sure your partner is prepared that he’s now going to have to shoulder more work. I found going to back to work so good for confidence and mental health, but the house is messier, things don’t get done etc etc. Try to identify from the outset what jobs you divide between you, and whether you can hollow out a couple of hours by yourself during the day or weekend to be not working AND not looking after the children.

YouJustDoYou · 05/07/2019 12:21

The toddler years were just horrifically mind numbing. I don't blame you for wanting to go back to work again.

YouJustDoYou · 05/07/2019 12:23

I just thought you had to be with them all the time to be a good mum

And herein lies the problem. Everyone has such different ideas of what a "good" mum entails - working/Not working etc. Don't want to rehash this as it's been done and argued viciously about on mn over and over and over. I personally think you can't second guess how a child will feel in the future in regards to heir mother working or being at home with them - but a depressed, lonely mother is surely going to negatively affect them more than one who is happy.

noodlenosefraggle · 05/07/2019 12:57

Yes as a mother you never k ow what to do for the best because you can never have the same child again. All my pre mum friends went back to work full time, I we t back part time, some of my school mum friends never went back. Who knows what would have happened to our kids had we made different decisions? They are all, however, fine. None are feral and they are all rou da outs the same level at school. None are feral or in counselling! The difference is in the mums financially and career wise.

Original poster
catoney · 05/07/2019 12:59

Dust - my husband is really supportive and supports me with the housework. I am very lucky. Thank you all this thread has really helped me
Feel better. It's personal isn't it , being a mum.

OP posts:
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