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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU social media

24 replies

Pomo81 · 04/07/2019 19:52

I posted a thread a while back, tried to find it but couldn't.

My DH had a potential EA with a woman at work which he doesn't think of as that. We got married and everything has been fine. He'll let me access his phone so I can see whatever he's looked at. As far as I'm aware they have no contact at work but the last few weeks she's been on holiday and posting a lottt of bikini pictures... He's looked at every single one. AIBU even taking history aside, if you know your subordinate /colleague posts nearly naked photos, you don't keep looking as a married man?

OP posts:

MyOpinionIsValid · 04/07/2019 19:55

Am I being a bit thick here (possibly!!) how do you know what he's viewed - coz I cant tell what Ive looked at across any of the SM platforms? how do you access this tool?

Original poster

Pomo81 · 04/07/2019 19:59

Instagram stories logs it rather than pictures, no idea what he's looked at there

OP posts:

MolyHolyGuacamole · 04/07/2019 20:03

If he follows her on Instagram then he'll see her stories. If he clicks on someone's story, they go through them all automatically. It's not like he knows she's going to be in a bikini.

'People often see what they look for and hear what they listen for'.

I'm afraid no good has ever come from a partner looking through their other half's phone.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 04/07/2019 20:18

Oh do you mean tje circles around the profile picture has gone gray rather than the multicolours that indicate that theres a new story?

Because i was struggling to work out how it indicates what you've viewed. The person who posts the story can see who has viewed the story, but other than the circle changing colour i'm not sure how it indicates his viewing history.if that's what you mean then i agree with guacamole

I often miss stories because they'vr gone through them automatically. Also if theres a number of people witb stories if you press one when its gone through that persons it will automatically gone on to the next person with a story. So he could have been looking at say your story not realising she's also posted a story when its got the end of ypur story its gone tp hers and tje circle around hers will still have gone gray even though he didnt mean to look at it.

Original poster

Pomo81 · 04/07/2019 21:09

Yes, it's gone grey but he also admits it. She's posted on a daily basis pretty much naked shots

I think if you'd read my first thread, it'd make more sense

OP posts:

familycourtq · 04/07/2019 21:24

If you feel you have to continually vet his phone use, the relationship isn’t worth having - for either of you.

gamerchick · 04/07/2019 21:30

Sounds like your relationship is in real trouble OP. If you're at the point of going through his phone because you want to make sure you can trust him and then grilling him on stuff you think you've found. It's just a matter of time before you split up.

The whys, what's and maybes don't matter. The analysing isn't important. What matter is, this isn't working right now. Look at the whole picture.

WorraLiberty · 04/07/2019 21:35

I'm not sure why you would marry someone whose phone you feel you need to check. Surely you knew on your wedding day it was a bit odd to marry him if you don't trust him?

On the other hand if the potential EA caused so much bother between you, I'm surprised he's following her on Instagram? I mean it's pretty unnecessary isn't it?

But since he is following her, it's not unreasonable to look at her photos.

cheesydoesit · 04/07/2019 21:38

Aw, OP I remember your thread. So you married him and he's still obsessing over her. What a shit he is. YANBU, you knew in your gut something was wrong.

JugsAndSoap · 04/07/2019 21:38

I'm sorry OP but this is really unhealthy and not normal behaviour on your part, not his.
Your relationship is in trouble but not for the reasons you think. trust him or leave him.

Original poster

Pomo81 · 04/07/2019 21:53

Cheesydoesit, I'm glad you read the other one, I think you need that as context to understand

Photos are one thing but it's the knowing she's likely/has posted numerous bikini and beach shots and still watches the video. I don't think that's appropriate, even just as a subordinate

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/07/2019 22:26

I think the EA and the mistrust has clouded your view on the bikini pics to be fair.

They're neither here nor there. I mean she went on holiday so her pics are bound to include bikini shots, that's no big deal.

The questions for me are

Why is he following her on Instagram, knowing the trouble his potential EA caused between you and him?

Why are you married to someone you don't trust and haven't trusted since before you married him?

15YemenRoad · 04/07/2019 22:27

For those interested, this is OP's previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3538551-AIBU-Boundaries

OP, honestly you do continuously come across as controlling. It should not be like this still. I would encourage others to also read the above thread to understand OP's mindset.

This level of control and checking in is unhealthy.

Lemoneeza · 04/07/2019 22:30

he's had an ea that he doesn't acknowledge and is still following her on social media.

Please for your own sanity and self respect take control and end the relationship.

cheesydoesit · 04/07/2019 22:33

His behaviour is contributing to that though, he's been married a matter of months and he's mooning over someone he was at least on the cusp of having an emotional affair with. He admitted to holding her hands at his instigation. He's not squeaky clean, there's definite intent there. The question is OP, can you continue like this? It will come to a head and you're probably better off making your own decisions about it before the insecurity eats away at you and drives you to madness.

Ginger1982 · 04/07/2019 22:36

Doesn't sound like much of a marriage if you feel the need to monitor his phone.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 04/07/2019 23:14

Having looked at original thread I'd say

a) Pomo81 does frankly sound controlling and insecure.

b) That's by-the by really. Whether she's controlling or he's massively lying, I'm not sure it really matters who's at fault. You can't carry on with a relationship where one party feels the need to manage the other's interactions with other people, especially where that needs an ongoing programme of surveillance.

Itellpeopletogoogleit · 04/07/2019 23:22

This isn't a healthy relationship.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 04/07/2019 23:28

Just gone through the other thread quickly, which has changed my opinion on this.

Sorry OP, I do think you're being too controlling. This isn't healthy at all for either of you.

They automatically run through, I've had it plenty of times when looking at someones and then goes straight onto the next persons.

AlexaAmbidextra · 07/07/2019 13:15

So you married him then? And he’s still interested in his OW? Why are you surprised? What do you want people to say? So many posters gave you wise advice on your other thread but you were determined to hear none of it. You were obviously going to go ahead with the wedding and now you have. So what’s the point of posting now?

Alloftit · 07/07/2019 13:22

Am I right in thinking you’re the poster who thought him sharing a bit of cake was clear evidence of an affair? If you are, I don’t think I agreed with you at the time BUT you were so sure, and you clearly didn’t trust him at all so why in fucks name did you marry him?!

Original poster

Pomo81 · 09/07/2019 17:23

It's not about hearing none of it, it's about making real life decisions that effect my family. I was very grateful for the posters that were trying to be helpful to me on my last thread. I'm not entirely sure why you sound angry for not listening to posters on mn dictating my actual life with massive ramifications. I believe it didn't go further than what I know... I'm also still allowed to feel and ask questions

OP posts:

AlexaAmbidextra · 09/07/2019 18:09

I’m not angry OP. It’s no skin off my nose. Just don’t see the point of you asking question after question because you’re never going to get the answers you want. He’s the one you should be questioning. Not strangers on the internet.

Original poster

Pomo81 · 09/07/2019 18:35

Nobody is forcing you to read or reply if you 'don't see the point'. If people want to reply to me to be helpful /non hostile then they can

OP posts:

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