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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is harsh for a shy child

59 replies

Intravenousbitch · 04/07/2019 19:09

I am ready to be flamed here but go easy please. My young ds came home upset from school saying that he had been in an X factor audition and been buzzed out. He is the only child in the group who has been told he cannot go now through to the competition and he is gutted. By his own admission he didn't dance amazingly as he felt scared and anxious. We are really trying to build up his confidence after a similar experience outside school where he was afraid to perform. Previous to this he was fine.

He's been looking forward to this for weeks and weeks and now he feels upset and angry. I know that's life and I've told him that gently but this feels a harsh way to deal with a shy 6 year old who tried to audition. Aibu to say to school that I am disappointed that this will affect his confidence?

OP posts:
MeganBacon · 04/07/2019 19:47

I agree with you that this would be absolutely crushing for some children and the school should have more sense.

LannieDuck · 04/07/2019 19:49

Wow, for a 6 year old, that's awful.

I agree with the others - ask the teachers' version of events, and if it matches what you've reported here I would be raising a right old stink.

AJPTaylor · 04/07/2019 19:52

My see previous school did a talent show.
Everyone could perform in front of their class. Teacher then picked 3 to go through. The 30 then performed in front of the judges.Then 10were invited to do an evening show, a long with e.g. the choir, the recorder group and parents came. No overall winners. Just a well done and a housepoint.

Nonnymum · 04/07/2019 19:57

That sounds awful. I can't understand why a school would think that is an acceptable format for 6 year olds. Why does everything have to turn into a competition these days. I don't understand why young children can't just be praised for taking part. You are not being unreasonable

mathanxiety · 04/07/2019 20:12

Is dance something he himself is genuinely interested in or is it something you picked as a means to overcome his self consciousness?

Because if it's the latter I would have opted for martial arts or swimming or chess, not something that involves judging and putting yourself out there under the lights in front of an audience.

The dance world, if he keeps at it, is about cuts.

Al that being said, I have never encountered anything like the competition your DS's school put on, and to me the reasons for my DCs' school making all performances all-class ensemble events are really obvious. There were no talent shows and even no Nativity play (this was a RC school mind you).

I find the idea of the event your school put on appalling.

Doobydoo · 04/07/2019 20:16

Agree with anyfucker

MedalMedalMedal · 04/07/2019 20:20

As if the concept of relentless reality tv and the baying crowd isn’t bad enough, schools have actually decided there’s some inexplicable merit to it and bring it into an educational environment??

I do remember this when Dd was at school some years ago and I thought it was ghastly back then. I can’t believe it’s still going on. It’s a lazy and cruel default to take something off the tv merely because it’s popular and bring it into a school environment to be acted out. It certainly worked wonders on Dd (not) who being reserved at school anyway completely retreated.

I agree, why has everything got to be so competitive in such a nasty way nowadays? I bet the school make all the ‘right’ noises about bullying, but then follow it up with that. Hmm I also hate the fact that quieter kids at school get lumbered with the shy label. Not everyone wants to make a great noise and be in the spotlight. There’s nothing wrong with that and yet schools so often make it sound as though there is.

mathanxiety · 04/07/2019 20:21

THIS^^

BlueMerchant · 04/07/2019 20:22

Does he really enjoy all this performing or does he deep down feel he has to do these things to please you?. Is he more upset about the fact he didn't get in to the final or that he's let you down?
Just a thought.

MitziK · 04/07/2019 20:23

Fucking hell.

X Factor shit is appalling when it's on TV (which is why I refuse to watch it or any of its ilk). I'd describe as fucking unprofessional to introduce it into a school environment - as does my boss when I told her about an NQT from another school who had described doing something similar to justify her getting the Music allowance (choir auditions for infants, telling them 'no, you can't sing/you're not good enough', her only criticism of me was that I 'hadn't knocked her fucking head off' when I had the chance.

There's not many things where I'd support going in all guns blazing, but as somebody who deals with nervous kids performing, whether they're talented or not - and fairly talentless kids not being nervous because they don't realise quite how crap they are, there is no way on earth a bunch of children should ever be put up in front of everybody and told 'no, you're shit'. Which is what the X factor is all about - telling people that they aren't good enough, whether by insults or by Xs or buzzers.

Hell, I'd volunteer to go in and rip them a new arsehole for that myself.

Massively unprofessional. Completely inappropriate. A million miles away from actual auditions.

In other news, I'd suggest that you keep him in outside classes. At least they're run by professionals instead of somebody who probably wanted to claim the TLR2a allowance for this sort of bullshit but doesn't know the first thing about performing. And well away from anything run by this particular member of school staff.

mathanxiety · 04/07/2019 20:25

The concept is not that far removed from obvious setting in classrooms.

DontFundHate · 04/07/2019 20:26

That is absolutely shocking. I would be arranging a meeting with the head tomorrow and requesting that these auditions stop immediately. They should not be putting children through that

Ps I don't think I've ever written anything so "all guns blazing" before but that has made me so cross on your behalf, your poor son

dontatme · 04/07/2019 20:27

This is horrible behaviour from the school! Surely at 6 years old they should be encouraging them to pursie their talents, not ‘buzzing them out’ when they’re not good enough?!

dontatme · 04/07/2019 20:27

Sorry that was meant to say pursue not pursie!

starzig · 04/07/2019 20:28

I don't like the fact competition is being drained away so no child ever learns they can't get everything. Good on the school for honest competition. There will be other things he will win at. You cant bring a child up to be upset every time they don't get something they want or don't do as well as others. (And yes I know he is 6, but a lot of competitive sports begin at 5)

IncrediblySadToo · 04/07/2019 20:30

I think you should go and talk to the relevant person st school snd find out what actually happened and obviously let them know how upset DS is, hopefully they’ll handle it differently in future. Because despite what might have happened this is how DS has perceived it and that’s not good

However I think for now, what’s done is done and there’s not much the school can do about it unless they can find some other way of letting DS shine?!

O idea why people are saying ‘these days’ - I’m late 40’s and ‘takent shiws’ We’re ‘a thing’ at school way back, on the ark!

Queenoftheashes · 04/07/2019 20:34

That is not ok and if it had happened to me at six I would still be traumatised

mathanxiety · 04/07/2019 20:43

There are much better ways of engaging children in competition, Starzig.

As an example, my DCs all played T-ball (in the US) and all loved it though one of them sucked. In T-ball each child gets three attempts to hit a ball off a tee, then play is according to simplified rules of baseball, with fielders trying to get runners out.
4/5 went on to play in leagues (softball and baseball) up to about age 14.

School should be about helping all the children feel valued, about celebrating each individual, and about meeting each child's individual educational needs. It should be about encouraging each child's gift to be appreciated. This can't be done if certain children and certain talents are celebrated above all the others.

Parents who want a more cutthroat environment in which to hone individual talent should seek it in their own time, outside of school. The other children in school do not owe their children the role of failures that enables the 'talent' to shine.

Original poster
Intravenousbitch · 04/07/2019 20:43

Mathanxiety he chose dance himself as he loves it. We tried martial arts and no way would he join in. We tried three times to take him. We haven't tried chess. The talent show had nothing to do with us. The school arranged it and ds asked us to put his dance clothes in the bag. We never say anything to him if he doesn't want to dance or perform so we don't show disappointment. He doesn't even like us watching!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 04/07/2019 20:47

Fair enough if he chose it himself.

I wonder why he chose something that is obviously causing him some angst though.

Does he tend to be a perfectionist?

MedalMedalMedal · 04/07/2019 20:52

There’s a big difference between sporting good natured competition and dismissing an already nervous 6 year old with a blimmin buzzer.

Does that teach him all about being competitive? Nope. It teaches him to give the next ‘opportunity’ a very wide swerve. I doubt he’ll step forward to go through that again ever. And the school will be bleating about how he’s not a joiner.

And the op’s little lad is the only one with nothing at the end of this.? At 6! Sad Way to go school! That’s definitely not bringing out the best in everyone.

My younger Dd (18) studies musical theatre. Auditions for that can be absolutely brutal. But..she’s worked up towards it. She knows the deal, she’s cultivated a professional thick skin over the years , but even so it’s still very tough. But.. she’s not 6.

Benjispruce · 04/07/2019 20:52

I work in a primary and that would never happen. Far too young. Bad enough for secondary school.

ragged · 04/07/2019 20:54

How old is OP's young DS?

Benjispruce · 04/07/2019 20:57

eels a harsh way to deal with a shy 6 year old who tried to audition

Original poster
Intravenousbitch · 04/07/2019 20:58

Ragged, he's 6.

OP posts: