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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To text DS dad and tell him I can’t feed him this month?

66 replies

Iamnotagoddess · 04/07/2019 18:48

I can, obviously, feed him but that’s what he does to me.

“I can only afford X this month rather than the agreed amount as I have no money”

This is after he agreed to go halves on DS train pass for college.

I would rather he had said no at the outset and DS could have gone to the closer college.

I am left paying what he doesn’t and it really pisses me off Angry

OP posts:
mamaofboyzz · 04/07/2019 19:37

Totally understand where your coming from it's very annoying and so selfish

Amberwarning · 04/07/2019 19:38

My ex would do this. Infuriating and irresponsible. He agreed for DC's to go to uni, then stopped paying after the first month. I could have done the same but then DC would have had to leave.

The worst thing he did was agree with DC that he could go on a £1100 school skiing trip, then left me to pay.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 04/07/2019 19:44

I only have another year 🙏

OP posts:
AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 04/07/2019 19:45

What would he say if you did text him that?

It's fucking awful that these deadbeats are allowed to get away with it.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 04/07/2019 19:47

@AnAC12UCOinanOCG

I dunno maybe I’ll try it at the beginning of next month Grin

OP posts:
MoobaaMoobaa · 04/07/2019 19:55

You have my sympathy Flowers

My friends ex has opted in and out of paying for years. they have 2 DC she is constantly up shit street. if he's paid more than 6 months of each year I'd be surprised. Yet he still has holidays or buys a new car so can't afford it, is 'ill' so hasn't been working or is made reduntant again. Yet she hears whispers he is working. He turns over a new leaf every now again lasts a couple of months.

Spanglyprincess1 · 04/07/2019 19:55

It isn't fair but you know it works the other way too right? Nrp often get told they have to pay even if circus change eg made redudent or exs stop them seeing children as punishment.
Your not wrong though Cms are utterly useless! dp has a private arenagkent with exw where he pays vastly over the Cms calculation but they won't close the case as she won't tell them to. Every year we send eveidnece of the agreement and payments and every year they tell him he overpaying and not to, then say calculation is x (less than paid) Total waste of everyone's time. They would be better spending time of peoples case who have issues around fathers or mothers not paying!

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 04/07/2019 19:58

NRP do not have to continue paying the same amount if their circumstances change, they can ask for a review any time they want (I know this as DH pays his ex £600 a month).

OP posts:
Spanglyprincess1 · 04/07/2019 20:04

I know. But exw refuses contact if that happens then its mediation and court again.
So just easier not to and stick to an amount regardless. Its madness.
Cms aren't great really and need to be more efficient

ThighsRelief · 04/07/2019 20:06

You know what makes me sad. The day after DS's 18th birthday X stopped paying. Fine, whatever.

But I know him, I know he will have been rubbing his hands at not having to pay the pittance he sometimes did rather than thinking "wow, my boy is 18!"

I hate him for just not caring about my son and for consistently putting himself first each and every time.

peaceand · 04/07/2019 20:07

@ThighsRelief wow that's so sad! And I never thought of it like that.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 04/07/2019 20:10

@ThighsRelief

Yeah my other ex (who I have two DC with) did that too, halved his maintenance the day after and I knew him and his wife would have been thrilled 🙄

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 04/07/2019 20:10

So if you text back "Do you realize you shaft our child and leave me covering YOUR debt once AGAIN you asshole?!!!!" What will happen?

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 04/07/2019 20:13

@EKGEMS

I just wouldn’t lower myself to do that tbh, I can’t be bothered to argue the toss with him anymore.

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 04/07/2019 20:15

My ex hasn’t fed our Dc since November. If I matched his contribution to our DC Id be in prison for the death of two children due to neglect.

I’ve stopped trying to work out how he justifies it to himself.

ThighsRelief · 04/07/2019 20:16

It just becomes not even about the money in the end. You end up thinking, "fine, stick it up your arse".

EKGEMS · 04/07/2019 20:16

Ugh why,why are some parents so awful?

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 04/07/2019 20:18

I don’t discuss it with my DS either as he worries about his dad then, because he’s been brought up to care about other people.

He will see one day.

From when he was little (his dad started shagging his now stepmother while I was pregnant) his dad has told him how much he pays me, has never allowed him to bring gifts home and bought DS cards are gifts for his stepmother on Mother’s Day nd nothing for me.

OP posts:
chamenanged · 04/07/2019 20:18

Nrp often get told they have to pay even if circus change eg made redudent

Like all bills then, except child maintenance is more important.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 04/07/2019 20:19

@ThighsRelief

Exactly 🙄

OP posts:
swisscheeseplant · 04/07/2019 20:22

These men think they are being clever and shafting their ex partners, but actually the are shafting their own children

ThighsRelief · 04/07/2019 20:29

It all becomes twisted, they think they're supporting us. The money I received didn't touch the sides.

I once said "do you care if he has a coat?" He said "no, I know you will sort it".

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/07/2019 20:31

What would happen if you messaged your DS gps and told then their DS wasn't providing for their gs

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 04/07/2019 20:32

I wouldn’t do that.

OP posts:
pickledparsnip · 04/07/2019 20:34

Completely understand. My ex pays
maintenance sporadically. Often promises me I'll have it by the end of the month, and it never materialises. I always get a sob story. It is fucking frustrating, disrespectful and shows complete lack of care. It should be illegal. He also fucks off regularly and doesn't see DS.

His work and his life trumps anything that DS needs/wants. I work my fucking arse off, and he gets away with all of it. Quite incredible really.