I’m getting confused. I do not know anymore how to ensure that our plans with my DP will come true, without me being the only one keeping these on track. Maybe I'm being unreasonable and expecting too much.. I do not actually know how to explain it. But recently I get this weird feeling that whenever we discuss the issue, it doesn’t get resolved and I’m out of ideas.
The issues occurs regarding any bigger plans. Like deciding to rent a new apartment, renovating a room, planning vacation, building a shelf, taking up a course – you name it.
To be honest, usually I am the one who suggests any bigger goals or plans. Sometimes we generate an idea together. So I talk about something or we come up with an idea and the overall conclusion is – let’s do it. And then everything falls apart if I do not keep it on track.
When I talk about the plan – hey, let’s do this or that or I thought we should proceed like this. He is discussing the topic with me and says yes; or he says that he has not thought about it; or he says he needs more time to think about it; or he just bluntly says it’s not a good time currently let’s do it later (e.g. renting a new apartment, he told me in spring that as he has new job and needs to settle first, then we should think about new apartment in the summer)
Then – nothing happens on his part. He never brings the topic up, never says whether he has thought about it. When I ask again, then he either says what he has thought (sometimes things he has thought about days or even weeks before I asked) or says he has not thought about it and just listens to my proposals again.
I have told him previously that I would like him to show more interest regarding these things, because it is exhausting for me to carry the emotional load all the time and it makes me wonder whether he is interested in these things at all (although at first he says he is) and if I constantly have to ask him then it feels to me as if I’m “nagging”. Also, he has said that I am rather impatient, and it takes him longer to think about things, so I try to control my impatience and wait for him to think things through. All I’m asking is that if he has though about it, then just “check in” and tell me about his thoughts without waiting until I ask. (I would actually like that he would also say “OK, I’ll take care of that part” and then he follows through without me asking again).
So, a few days ago I tried a new tactic and instead of talking, I wrote a few questions down generally about the topic. He thought it was a great idea and answered also by writing. In his answers he said he is very interested in any plans/goals, he is 100% on board every time, he is 100% willing and wants to contribute and also be in charge of things. So I asked him whether he agrees that the answers and the reality that I am experiencing do not really match up. He admitted that in some aspects yes, he agrees. We discussed it again, I again said what I have said previously.
But his answers left a strange feeling inside me… He said that
- when he thinks about the plans then usually I’m not around at the moment and he cannot tell me about his thoughts (I’ve heard it before and suggested he could write it in messenger to me, and we have also developed a synced notebook for us both to use for such occasions which he could use)
- and later when I am around, we have other more important things to talk about (we usually talk about our days at work, so I actually do not see how “my colleague said a funny thing” or “I ate broccoli today” could be more important than our joint plans)
- and so he either forgets (I have suggested to write his thoughts down like he writes everything down at his job)
- or he cannot find a good moment to talk about the thing (???).
He also said that if I do not ask then it makes him feel like I am not interested (which I heard the first time from his side and it actually feels like he has learned the sentence from me).
So it’s like a vicious circle… and it makes me so confused about what should I do. Is my only option really to become “nagging” partner, always reminding him what do to, always asking hat has he thought about this or that?
Sometimes it feels that it would be easier to do some things alone. But when I do, without involving him, then he basically accuses me of not consulting with him and that I’m impatient and inconsiderate as it is not fair that I decide things on my own and he feels left out.
What am I doing wrong? Am I expecting too much?
For example regarding the apartment that I mentioned in the beginning - is it right that I think that he should bring it up somewhere during the summer because he has set a time limit/condition to it and it depends on his "settling in his new job"? I guess in his books, I should again ask about it, because he forgets to talk about it or doesn't find a right moment or thinks I'm not interested if I do not ask?