Expecting too much from my DP?

[M33r1ts2]

I’m getting confused. I do not know anymore how to ensure that our plans with my DP will come true, without me being the only one keeping these on track. Maybe I'm being unreasonable and expecting too much.. I do not actually know how to explain it. But recently I get this weird feeling that whenever we discuss the issue, it doesn’t get resolved and I’m out of ideas.

The issues occurs regarding any bigger plans. Like deciding to rent a new apartment, renovating a room, planning vacation, building a shelf, taking up a course – you name it.
To be honest, usually I am the one who suggests any bigger goals or plans. Sometimes we generate an idea together. So I talk about something or we come up with an idea and the overall conclusion is – let’s do it. And then everything falls apart if I do not keep it on track.
When I talk about the plan – hey, let’s do this or that or I thought we should proceed like this. He is discussing the topic with me and says yes; or he says that he has not thought about it; or he says he needs more time to think about it; or he just bluntly says it’s not a good time currently let’s do it later (e.g. renting a new apartment, he told me in spring that as he has new job and needs to settle first, then we should think about new apartment in the summer)
Then – nothing happens on his part. He never brings the topic up, never says whether he has thought about it. When I ask again, then he either says what he has thought (sometimes things he has thought about days or even weeks before I asked) or says he has not thought about it and just listens to my proposals again.

I have told him previously that I would like him to show more interest regarding these things, because it is exhausting for me to carry the emotional load all the time and it makes me wonder whether he is interested in these things at all (although at first he says he is) and if I constantly have to ask him then it feels to me as if I’m “nagging”. Also, he has said that I am rather impatient, and it takes him longer to think about things, so I try to control my impatience and wait for him to think things through. All I’m asking is that if he has though about it, then just “check in” and tell me about his thoughts without waiting until I ask. (I would actually like that he would also say “OK, I’ll take care of that part” and then he follows through without me asking again).

So, a few days ago I tried a new tactic and instead of talking, I wrote a few questions down generally about the topic. He thought it was a great idea and answered also by writing. In his answers he said he is very interested in any plans/goals, he is 100% on board every time, he is 100% willing and wants to contribute and also be in charge of things. So I asked him whether he agrees that the answers and the reality that I am experiencing do not really match up. He admitted that in some aspects yes, he agrees. We discussed it again, I again said what I have said previously.

But his answers left a strange feeling inside me… He said that

• when he thinks about the plans then usually I’m not around at the moment and he cannot tell me about his thoughts (I’ve heard it before and suggested he could write it in messenger to me, and we have also developed a synced notebook for us both to use for such occasions which he could use)
• and later when I am around, we have other more important things to talk about (we usually talk about our days at work, so I actually do not see how “my colleague said a funny thing” or “I ate broccoli today” could be more important than our joint plans)
• and so he either forgets (I have suggested to write his thoughts down like he writes everything down at his job)
• or he cannot find a good moment to talk about the thing (???).

He also said that if I do not ask then it makes him feel like I am not interested (which I heard the first time from his side and it actually feels like he has learned the sentence from me).

So it’s like a vicious circle… and it makes me so confused about what should I do. Is my only option really to become “nagging” partner, always reminding him what do to, always asking hat has he thought about this or that?

Sometimes it feels that it would be easier to do some things alone. But when I do, without involving him, then he basically accuses me of not consulting with him and that I’m impatient and inconsiderate as it is not fair that I decide things on my own and he feels left out.

What am I doing wrong? Am I expecting too much?

For example regarding the apartment that I mentioned in the beginning - is it right that I think that he should bring it up somewhere during the summer because he has set a time limit/condition to it and it depends on his "settling in his new job"? I guess in his books, I should again ask about it, because he forgets to talk about it or doesn't find a right moment or thinks I'm not interested if I do not ask?

What do you do to advance these projects? It reads like you're giving him a list of projects you want done then wait for him to take the initiative. For example, have you looked for apartments yourself, or can't you sit down to do it together?

Wow, so many replies. Thank you. I haven't read all of the replies yet, because I'm thinking about the first half.

Well yes I am kind of person who wants change, new things, generates ideas and wants to put these in action. But it's not like I'm constantly doing it. I am not good at expressing my thoughts shortly and sharply, sorry for the long post. And in real life I feel as exhausted as you reading this post, because I cannot get my head around the fact how difficult it is to make things happen with him. I would do anything alone and quickly, but then he says I am not considering him; if I want to include him, then he drags his feet basically. So the result really is that I'm overanalysing everything.

Anyway, could it really be that he actually doesn't want to? Why on earth would someone say yes and smile and be happy about a plan and then secretly actually doesn't want to do it? It's not like I want to force him. I just want that if he says yes and his on board then play his part. And if he does not want to, then just say he is not interested in it and I will do it on my own.

I do not give him a list of projects.

For example, we were watching TV and eating, nowhere to put our plates because we do not have a table in front of the couch. He says - I have been thinking that perhaps I should make two little benches for us, you know the same I made to my parents when I was young as a school project. We could then use these for eating etc. I said "that is a wonderful idea, I really like it". Then I said jokingly "should we put a deadline for it?" He laughed and said that is also a good idea, so he put it in his calendar, giving him 5 weeks. Yes, I did not ask about it anymore - because I do not want to nag, to not want to force him etc. So 5 weeks pass, he says nothing and there are no benches. 2 more weeks pass- nothing. So I asked what is going on with the benches. Then it turns out he has thought about million issues why it is difficult to do these. When we thought these issues through, every issue has an solution. But he never said a word to me (I wasn't availbale, he forgot, he did not find a right time to talk about etc). We could have figured the solutions out a lot sooner and we would have our benches. Now, he decided he will not do these anymore.

I do not think that we should plan everything percicely through. I do not know how to explain it. The point is that like a previous poster said "we do not plan, things just happen". In our relationship - things do not just happen. That's the issue. With his behaviour I have come to the conclusion that everything should be planned through because otherwise these things just won't happen.

I just do not know how to proceed. We have talked about renovating, we have made plans yes what should be done. But he never takes the initiative to suggest something or plan time for it in the week. He plans all other activities and seems to forget that we were supposed to be dealing with the renovating as well. When I say we should be dealing with renovating during weekend also, he is like "ok, of course, let's do it". And then we are on it and he gets tired and annoyed doing it really quickly. And then I feel like I'm forcing him doing something he does not want to do. But then says to me how he really likes these things, how he could renovate throughout the weekend and it would make him happy!!!

Regarding the apartment, we talked what we need and what can we live without etc and I showed him several apartments. He always found some faults or said nothing specific. Then I asked when will we be looking for a bigger one? Then he said that let's wait until everything settles down at work and perhaps during summer. Everything has settled down as I understand, but I cannot see in him so cannot be sure. And I actually do not want to start "forcing" him again by asking.

He probably says yes and smiles because it stops you going on about it for a wee while

Actually, I thought it through. I guess you actually made me realise that I am too full-on perhaps. At least for him. But I actually cannot change myself. And of course I cannot change him. So I'll try to relax more. And perhaps stop expecting him to show so much initiative. And do the things I want to be done my own.
But this actually puts me in the position where I do not want to be - why would I have a partner if I must do big things on my own. God, I'm getting confused again.

But hey, thank you. Your replies still helped me. Firstly I must relax and secondly I must understand that it probably is a massive incompatibility and I have to decide whether I can live with it.

I think you're just very different people. And some of what you've written rang a bell with me - I think my DH and I are a milder version of you and your DP!

I'm very much the planner/organiser, and he tends to expect things to all magically work out by themselves. It drives me nuts, but we both try to compromise - I try not to always drive things according to my agenda/timeline and he listens/acts when I make it clear something is really important to me . . . well, sometimes he does, that's a little hit and miss 😁

I don't think your DP is going to change so you might need to make a decision as to whether this is something you can accept or whether it's a dealbreaker. I have to admit, it can be exhausting and lonely to feel like you're the one pushing things along and sorting everything out, but in my case, DH does some things and has some other characteristics that I love and admire so I'm prepared to take the rough with the smooth.

I think it's just about personalities - maybe you just don't suit each other.

As I said, he's lazy. Those benches, when he suggested it, he probably did think it was a good idea, but then when he thought about it, he realised it would take time and effort to make them. Go to the store to buy wood and screws etc, find all the tools, then all the time measuring, cutting, assembling, finishing. It sounds like too much hard work, and it would be easier to just carry on as you have been, or buy a coffee table or a couple of those TV tables.
So, he didn't mention it anymore, in the hope you'd forget it was mentioned, and when you did bring it up, he started coming out with "reasons" (excuses) why they would be difficult to make it, before finally saying he's not going to make them after all.

He'd much rather spend all that time, doing something fun, even if that's just watching TV or playing video games.

All these things that are suggested (looking for a new apartment, renovating, etc) take time and effort, and he just can't be bothered with it, but if he actually said that, he'd look lazy, so that's why he makes all the right noises at the beginning.

He may just be a yes man. That is says yes to please you with no intention of doing it.
To be honest if he wanted to move to a new place he would actively be looking. He’s not because he is happy where he is

Oh dear. My first boyfriend was like this. I ended up feeling like I was dragging him through life. It was exhausting. He'd have held me back massively had we stayed together. He was a lovely man, but lacked creativity and 'get up and go'. There's compromise and then there's holding yourself back to keep the relationship comfortable (the end of that story is you end up losing yourself). You may need to let this one go OP.

Thank. It is starting to make sense now thanks to your explanations. Resolves some of the confusion in my head.

Do you plan on having children with him OP? If so, how do you see that working out with him, given how much more supportive he'd need to be?

Somebody like him needs to be with either another drifter or somebody who enjoys the organisational stuff. If you don't enjoy being the driver in the relationship, you are not really compatible.
And when you have DC this just becomes a million times worse as you will then have the responsibility for several people, not just one.

I haven't yet thought about children. But now thinking about I got rather frightened.

I'll see. I have a more clear understanding now and I reckognise our difference, I mean that I really am an "do it now" type and he is not. At least I understand now and understand that I cannot change him and I can perhaps see if I can handle it. But I guess in the long run I cannot.

Now thinking he is rather lazy indeed, he puts off even the smallest things. Like writing a question and sending out an email. It would take a few minute, but instead of doing it right away, he says he'll do it tomorrow and then he forgets or find another excuse why he has not done it.

Sounds exhausting
I’d bin him.

Either he isn’t interested...
Or he is one of life’s passengers

You need to decide if you are prepared to always carry the load, always sort the bills/plan the trip/do everything and never have a partner who will be there for you and never do the hard yards with you.

I couldn’t do it personally.

If you want kids either make sure you have $$$$ for live in help and that you are prepared to essentially be a single parent.
This man will not be a good husband to you or father to your children

That relationship sounds exhausting. I’d have been out long ago.

Hmmm, I have a similar situation with my partner. I think one of the issues is that I have a thought or idea, I'll mull it over myself, and I'll say it when I actually think it's an idea we can work with, so at that point I would be happy to actually proceed with an idea. DP will discuss something when it pops into his head, but at that point it's a fleeting thought that may or may not have legs, and he might have a think about it, but to be honest he's quite busy at work, so he'll probably forget about it.

So for example:

I say:I think we should move house. This means, I have become annoyed that our house is too small, I've had a think about figures, I've had a look on Rightmove and seen that we can afford bigger within our budget, so lets discuss and make a decision, and book in some viewings.

He says: I think we should move house. This means, I have drove past a house I like the look of with a sign up today. I haven't looked at how much it is, if the location is suitable longterm, what the mortgage would be, if it would have enough potential room for the future. I've got a busy time at work, so I'll just mention it, and then forget about it until the next time it pops into my head.

Ultimately, I've learnt that if I really want, follow up myself. If I'm not fussed, then let him think about it!

"I would do anything alone and quickly, but then he says I am not considering him; if I want to include him, then he drags his feet basically. So the result really is that I'm overanalysing everything."
I think you have made a very important point here without realising it @M33r1ts2. If you get on and do stuff "he says I am not considering him". So not only is he not doing anything, he tries to guilt you into not doing anything. THIS IS ABOUT CONTROL. (If I could make that flash in neon, I would!)

He wants to be the boss of you. If he does anything, you'll approve, because you are a do-er. And since you'd approve, he is not in control. But if he doesn't do anything, and stops you from doing anything, you don't want to live like that but HE IS MAKING IT SO THAT YOU DO, then that means (in his twisted little way) that he is in charge because you are having to live according to his wishes.

This is more than just laziness. Laziness, he'd just sit back and reap the benefits of your energy. This is about control.

Seriously, just bin him. This is how it is going to be with him, it will not change, you'll just get more and more ground down by him. You think you're exhausted now? Give it a few more years, you'll be in torpor.

And as for "I haven't yet thought about children. But now thinking about I got rather frightened."
That is a gut reaction. At some level you recognise that having children with him would be a huge mistake. Listen to your gut, NEVER consider having children with him.

Just bin him. For your health and sanity, the sooner the better.