To ask for help with my four year old?

[AndBreatheJustBreathe]

Because I feel like a shitty, shitty parent tonight and I don’t know what to do.

She starts school in August. There is a lot of change afoot. I get that. She’s also (I suspect) jealous of her little sister (she’s two) and I get that too. I need to watch toddler DD like a hawk. She is one of those toddlers for whom you need eyes on the back of your head. And yeah that means when I have them on my own that the four year old can perhaps be left to her own devices more than I would like. I am trying hard to remedy this. Spend some time just me and her etc.

It’s hard though. She’s very moody just now. Does not listen to a word I say. Just does her own thing. I try consequences but I don’t really know what I am doing and the guilt is awful.

Example: She is generally allowed up to half an hour of tv after dinner before bath/bed routine. She flat out disobeyed me at tea time. Deliberately threw food she didn’t want onto the floor. I warned her if she continued to do this, she wouldn’t be able to watch her programme. She looked at me defiantly and did it anyway. So she lost her tv rights for the evening.

She howled. Sobbed. “I’m so sorry mummy I’m so sorry I won’t do it again” etc. I felt like a monster. I didn’t cave (because I really couldn’t) but it was just awful.

She’s also a dreadful, dreadful faff. It causes me no end of stress. I end up snapping at her. I need to be more patient but god it’s so hard trying to get out in the morning and she dithers for 45 mins over a bowl of rice crispies. And then I feel horrific for getting in at her.

Today sucked. I feel like I was on her case all day, culminating in her going to bed howling because I wouldn’t let her watch tv. I feel awful. I feel like she must hate me. I feel like I’m trying to do the right thing by her and getting nothing right.

I'm sure you're doing loads of things right. We always feel miserable when we follow through on consequences, but it has to be done.

Your DD will have learned that throwing her food on the floor is not tolerated. She needs boundaries and you're giving them to her.

Re - the 45 mins to eat cereal - that would (and has) driven me mad.

Time her. Tell her that when the alarm goes off, you'll take her bowl away.

Maybe you actually need to be a little more strict for a while, but don't get into a discussion with her, or show anger.

Just smile, take away her bowl and tell her she's had long enough. If she starts complaining don't discuss it. Tell her you're not interested - but do it with a smile. Don't let her see you're upset, too.

It's so hard sometimes. I bet you're doing a great job, really. You're at the end of your tether this evening. Your DD does not hate you. Losing half an hour of telly isn't the end of the world.

You do need to show her who's boss.

Does it have to be cereal in the morning. A peanut butter sandwich and some milk might go down faster. A playpan you can put toddler in for safety reasons would be helpful. You can then spend more time with your DD. You were right to ban tv. It does feel mean but you need to stick to your guns. Try not to snap at her. Reward good behaviour and ignore her when she gets in a mood.

…….and not feel guilty for showing her who's boss.

I think you did fine to be honest. Children do like boundaries on the whole; it would be worse if you'd caved and then made her feel as though she didn't know where she stood.

You could try telling her that you understand she may be feeling xyz about school and you having to watch her sister and not spend so much time with her. Reaffirm things like how glad you are she can keep herself happy when you aren't able to play, but reassure her of a time when you will play soon. Ask her if she is worrying about anything.

Many children faff. My children responded well to me counting 1 or 2 minutes and seeing if they could dress for bed in that time. I still haven't really cracked this one TBH... I tend to shout out time updates as I'm walking around, but it often fails to stimulate them much.

I hope it improves

Oh OP. My DD is a faffer too. Very little awareness of her own body - own little world (compounded by glue ear when she was the same age as your DD.) It’s part of her. She’s very cerebral and bright but she struggles with executive functioning so needs longer to process instructions for physical tasks. Four is a particularly tricky age I think if you have a little one the same. I did plenty of losing my shit.

for you.. we've all had days like these.. it's so hard, you go to bed only thinking of the negatives from that day and feeling like a shit mum, but you're not, shit mums wouldn't be feeling any type of sad. Tomorrow starts afresh, take a breathe and know you're not alone..

Sounds pretty standard to me, my 5 nearly 6 year old is exactly the same, sorry to say. Sounds like you handled it just fine.

Only you know if you are truly spending more time with the 2 yo. If it is true then the only way to fix this is to leave the 2 yo with dad / another relative regularly so you can spend quality time alone with the 4 yo. Discipline without 1-2-1 affection will just shore up problems for the future

Did she get her bedtime story? And cosy cuddles in bed?
And tomorrow is a new day so put today behind you

Thank you for the responses. Some really useful stuff here. I would say however that the two year old would go absolutely fucking bananas if I put her in a play pen or travel cot. I don’t think that’s an option. I am however going to invest in a stair gate for downstairs to keep her more contained.

Yes she got her stories and I lay beside her till she fell asleep. I lie with her every single night until she falls asleep. That’s our time (although again it becomes fraught often because she will carry on and play up and it’s suddenly 9pm and I haven’t eaten yet).

She’s very clever but she’s a thinker and a worrier. Scared of a lot of things.

To be honest she’s always been pretty well behaved so I haven’t had to really use consequences before. Her behaviour has taken a bit of a dip. She’s also cheeky (which I think is normal) and I’ve caught her telling wee fibs as well which upset me a little bit.

Also thank you everyone for your kind words and solidarity. It really helps.

OP-A four year old telling fibs is a normal developmental stage, don't start imagining that you have failed or she will grow up to be a pathological liar. Little things seem a lot bigger when life is tough, but it sounds like you are doing a good job.

My DD also starts in Sept. She’s been dreadful recently. Not listening, running off, wanting to do ridiculous things, faffing (never offer choices lol!!!), non stop bugging me, constant demands, shouting. Worse than that also getting quite violent and it came to a head where she threw an object at her cousin narrowly missing her and then bit me!
I’m into craft so I have introduced a reward jar (Pom-poms-10 Pom poms gets a reward) and I also made a poster of house rules. She’s really into it!
I felt like all I was doing was having a go at her, criticism, shouting, don’t do X etc and honestly this has really helped. And resenting her demands, eventually resenting any interaction at all because it was incessant
Noticing good behaviour has made a HUGE difference. She has been trying so hard and being really loving because I’m noticing things a lot more because of the reward jar. Maybe this could help you?
They crave attention don’t they? Good or bad.

Siameasy I LOVE these ideas! This might be a project for the weekend!

Yeah I just feel like it’s all so fraught just now and a change in mindset is definitely required.

She’s really small I think your expectations of her may be too high.

Get ye self on Pinterest
I take Pom poms away for bad behaviour and put them in the sad jar and she can earn them back. On the first day she started on negative Pom poms😂but soon realised she didn’t like it.

My DS starts in september and I am going through a similar phase with him to,the constant not listening, doing things anyway etc etc. He's a really good little boy, but its like having a mini teenager lately

Hang in there OP! Definitely the making a fuss over good behaviour

:)

You have the female version of my eldest! He was a lovely toddler who didn’t need much in the way of boundaries or discipline. It was at 4/5 that he started to really push at the boundaries, rudeness, all sorts. A lot of the time just not very nice to be around. We had to be really strict about boundaries and discipline despite strops, tantrums, the works.

He’s a fairly lovely 7 year old now. I think kids who are easy when they’re tiny can be much harder when they’re 4 and 5 and it comes as a total shock.

It’s normal as far as my limited experience is with my 4.5 DS. He’s testing boundaries and is prone to anything from defiance to full on tantrums on the pavement or bus or tube ad nauseam. Consistency has helped as has a more empathetic soft approach (eg) trying to ask him why he’s so angry and upset, getting him to use his words and so on. I found myself getting so so stressed in the mornings or at bath and bedtime, but it’s counterproductive.

Basically it’s bloody trying and tiring but I feel like gradually we are getting there and the lovely funny engaging little boy is outweighing the tantrummy demanding little boy.

for you OP it’s tough as hell but you sound like a lovely mum

Also I have been making sure I praise him a lot and boost his confidence as much as possible, as he does tend towards being self deprecating which worries me, and it’s starting to have a positive effect.

I am not alone! My four year old has been a tornado of late. Last Friday we were an hour late for nursery. She refused to put clothes on. Tantrummed for 90 minutes, and then just snapped out of it like nothing had happened and said let's go to school now.
In the meantime my nerves were shattered and it took me hours to recover. The nursery said quite a few kids were struggling, end of term and starting school in September.

I found the book how to talk to little kids listen really helpful in stopping getting into a spiral of using bigger and bigger threats. But this shit ain't easy.

*She’s very clever but she’s a thinker and a worrier. Scared of a lot of things.

To be honest she’s always been pretty well behaved so I haven’t had to really use consequences before.*

This is my DD too. She’s 5 but also starting school after summer (we are in Scotland) and I am finding this the hardest stage so far. Age 2 and 3 were a doddle in comparison! Luckily (?) I am seeing the same behaviour in her friends so I know it’s normal... doesn’t really make it easier though.

Anyway - a poster above mentioned the empathetic approach - I can’t recommend it enough. When I really empathise with her (and I mean really, rather than just pay it lip service) she ‘melts’ and is so much calmer and kinder and more helpful. So you’re still setting the boundary and following through but showing them you’re still on their side as it were. “You feel so sad about not being allowed TV. I know, it’s so disappointing when you’re looking forward to something and it doesn’t happen. This evening it was too hard for you to listen but I’m sure tomorrow evening you’ll manage.” That sort of thing. It does feel a bit cheesy but it honestly works. Aha parenting website is brilliant for this.

I also find one on one time so important but not just at bedtime when you’re fed up and don’t want hours and hours of chatting. On that note - also having very late bedtimes here but I eat with the kids early so at least I’ve got dinner in me, and my new rule is cuddles until 8pm but after that I’ll get up and start doing jobs but will pop back in to see her between each one. I actually love cuddling her to sleep but some nights I also need a bit of space by that point.

I'm not as experienced as you OP (oldest child is still not quite 3) but I have a "challenging" youngster (preschool's word ) who I often feel run ragged by. I would say I am a calmer parent than most of the parents to toddlers that I know, but I still end up huffing or shouting by the end of most days because she can be relentlessly silly and defiant, and I also have a (walking) baby who I need to look for!

I have found though that a reward chart works! We are using it in a very focused way because of her age - if she comes to the table without a fuss and makes a reasonable effort to eat then she gets a (Velcro-backed) plastic star that she can stick onto her star chart. Five stars and she gets a coin that she can put in one of those rides at the shopping centre that she is OBSESSED with. I never take stars away but I am rigid with what I expect her to do for one.

I imagine doing it in a more generalised way would be helpful over the course of the day but her understanding at 2.9 isn't there yet.

I do know of a family who do a "ladder" - there is a picture of a ladder on which there are 5 rungs - they start the day on rung 3 and can go up or down depending on behaviour. If they end their day at the very top of the ladder, they get a special treat. At the bottom, they get a sanction (no TV time, etc) If they are on rung 2 or 3 (ie not at the very top, but still in the "good" zone), they get a sticker and so many stickers get a treat. So they still have some way of working towards a reward.

Oh and I'd echo what PP say about giving her some 1:1 time. It really does make a difference to them seeing you as a person rather than a fun sponge.

My slow eating faffer who never went to sleep is now an organised and independent 12 year old and is just wonderful and fabulous.

It does get easier OP!