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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask for help to see the benefits of full time work

75 replies

Whitewinespritzer · 03/07/2019 19:46

After being really lucky and a stay at home parent for 8 years I now have to go back to full time work. I keep trying to think of all the positives and not what I’ll be missing out on with my children but I’m struggling. The thought of not dropping off and picking them up from school makes me feel so sad and missing out on school holidays. I know there are lots of benefits of work but I can only think of money, please can you lovely lot give me some positives to full time work?

OP posts:

Brefugee · 05/07/2019 06:44

Everything but especially: pension and independence (if the worst happens)

whiteroseredrose · 05/07/2019 06:53

Foolishboat you are indeed lucky to have a career you love. I've had lots of jobs, some very well paid and seen as desirable, but I've not yet found something I wouldn't drop like a hot brick if I could!

I loved being a SAHM, best years of my life....

The positives are definitely financial and pension related.

OhTheRoses · 05/07/2019 06:57

Everything that has already been said.
I went back after 7 years at home similar to op. First year part-time was the most demanding of my life. Full time easier as much wife work justifiably sub contracted. Entry level but my prpf quals were funded after two years. Now a Director.

May I just add pne more thing. Role modelling to your children. Best thing dd ever said to me was "it's really helped me to have a working mum and to be more independent - it's great you don't just talk about us". The DC in their 20s now say quite genuinely they are glad I work and DH and I have talked about it and concluded it was a good move for our relationship.

There were times when I thought I was missing out but you would be surprised how many of the dc's friends' parents split up when the eldest was 16/17ish. Leaving downsized mothers in their early 50s who hadn't worked for 20 years, and had become unemployable, and whose only topic of conversation was their dc, their holidays and their houses. It's really sad to see.

happymum12345 · 05/07/2019 07:14

Money is the main reason. Will you be able to do more things like a nice holiday? Keep that in your mind.

crispysausagerolls · 05/07/2019 10:30

I really don’t understand the idea that you can’t also be a positive role model to your children at home. I don’t get it at all. Surely there are many things you can do or be to be a role model (assuming you aren’t just sitting on your arse all day!)

CoconutMango · 05/07/2019 11:24

I'm concerned too that some people think only working outside the home provides a role model. Says something about peoples judgements and views on those working in other ways/not currently in employed work!

clary · 05/07/2019 13:32

I think people mean " role modelling a mum who works", I know I do.

Rainatnight · 05/07/2019 13:38

You need to sort out the DP/housework thing ASAP. It sounds as though you think you’re ‘helping’ him financially by working so he should ‘help’ you with housework. Is that right? If so, you both need to get yourself in a different mindset of both working in partnership towards common goals.

And get a cleaner with the extra money

LakieLady · 05/07/2019 14:27

Pension, financial independence, mental stimulation, learning new skills, having a sense of being "useful" other than as a caregiver, meeting people who will help broaden your horizons, a real sense of purpose, recognition of your talents ... work has so much going for it, and full-time work will maximise all of the above. FT staff always get more opportunities for secondments/training/promotion etc.

I'm very lucky, I have a job I love that is socially useful and mentally stimulating, in an organisation that has a supportive ethos and values its staff. I also have a wonderful manage and colleagues who are nice people, we get along as a team and have a great laugh. I'm part-time for health reasons but if my arthritis was to spontaneously cure itself, and the funding was available I'd go full time like a shot.

Sp1nningAr0und58 · 05/07/2019 14:34

I understand the value of volunteering & raising money for charity. I have done both. However, these opportunities don't pay the bills or pension. Which is why I have worked & done these at the same time.

Londonmummy66 · 05/07/2019 15:05

I second the sorting the housework out now - get a cleaner and then agree one of you does the cooking and the other the laundry/ironing and stick to it

InDubiousBattle · 05/07/2019 15:20

Following with interest op. I'll be returning to work when my youngest starts school in September and I'm very sad about not being a SAHM anymore. So far I'm focusing on the money tbh!

BettysLeftTentacle · 05/07/2019 17:04

Literally no one on this thread has said that @CoconutMango. You seem determined to conjure offence out of nothing. The OP asked what people feel they get out of working full time with children and she’s got exactly what she’s asked for. There’s more than one way to be a positive role model for your children, everyone recognises that but this thread is about people that work full time, not SAHMs, volunteers or anyone else.

Summergarden · 05/07/2019 21:05

As a SAHM (well, virtually) let me remind me of how lovely and clean and tidy your house will stay without kids being in it too much of the time!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 05/07/2019 21:43

People say thanks when you've done a good job at work. Or even when you've tried really hard and the outcome has been shit

Not what you asked OP but you can always try it. I'd say give it 6 months before reevaluating

Sorrywhat · 05/07/2019 21:50

Can I just ask, what is the problem with your children wanting to stay at home? As long as it is affordable is there a problem with wanting to be a SAHM?
My mum was a SAHM me and my siblings have always gone to work from 15/16+. We all have kids and still work, albeit part-time.
I just don’t understand why some people believe that being a SAHM is not having an identity or a bad example to their children. Surely a good parent just encourages their child to find a career they enjoy and if they then decide to be a SAHP then that is just as good as a paid job as long as it is affordable.

Sorrywhat · 05/07/2019 21:52

Sorry to momentarily hi-jack the thread...

Earlywalker · 05/07/2019 22:13

There’s nothing at all wrong with your kids deciding as an adult to be a SAHM! I’d be happy for my daughter if she was in a position to have that choice, I just wouldn’t want her to aspire to be a stay at home mum beforehand.

Lots of SAHM’s have previously had jobs and can discuss this with their daughters anyway. You can still be a positive role model and not work.

Barbie222 · 05/07/2019 22:24

I never notice the dust in my house at the end of the day when I am at work. That, and a million other things that really get into perspective once you are a bit busier and see how much time things can take when you let them! Remember Joey from Friends spreading out the jobs over the whole week? That's how I felt at home all the time!

QueenCoconut · 05/07/2019 22:52

Having your own Identity beyond being someone’s wife and mum
Having a purpose in life when your children leave home as adults
Having grown up and mentally stimulating conversations ( I’m sorry but school mums’ chat is my idea of hell)
Feeling proud of your own achievements when your career progresses
Increased self-confidence based on the above , as result becoming more attractive to husband/ partner
Improved relationship with other half who values your financial contribution
Allowing dad to become a fully involved parent who shares childcare and responsibilities equally and doesn’t feel like the wife ‘takes over’
Financial independence !!
Showing your children that women can become anything they want and breaking the old stereotypes of role split in marriage - it’s not 1950s anymore

Delatron · 05/07/2019 22:59

I say this as someone who works nearly full time. I think it’s disrespectful to say you can only have ‘self respect’ and be ‘a positive role model’ if you work full time.

TwistyTop · 05/07/2019 23:03

Being able to go to the toilet on your own.

Talking to grown ups all day.

Not being mum for a few hours.

Sorrywhat · 05/07/2019 23:07

@Earlywalker I agree with what you say and feel the same. It makes me a little bit peeved when people say that being at work gives you an identity as well as saying that it is a good example. Perhaps, people do not intend for it to come across so bolshy but it does. Happiness, whether that be in or out of work is what is really important and that is what should be focused on in my opinion.
@Delatron - I agree. It is disrespectful to assume that because somebody choose to look after children that they no longer respect themselves as human beings and cannot be a positive role model in any other way than to work. Plenty of things in the world where you can be a positive role model and a decent, respectful person towards others with a different opinion is one of them.

blueshoes · 05/07/2019 23:26

A lot has already been said.

For me, it is also not modelling strict division of labour and male/female roles within a household. It is hard to tell my daughter to work hard at school so she can have a responsible career if I was at home being financed by a man's labour.

As dh and I are working ft, the children have to pitch in with household chores. Both do it, not just my daughter or son. Again, no division of labour. My son darns socks and helps me to prepare food.

There is no safety net of someone waiting around at home for them. If they forget their keys, they have to wait in a cafe until dh or I get home. If they miss the school coach, hmmmm. No one will rush to drop off something they forgot to bring to school. Both learnt to take the public bus and tube/train from quite early on and are pretty independent.

I think they do enjoy the freedom and space. But also like the days dh or I work from home as we make them nice snacks.

Which reminds me. Ft does not have to mean ft outside the office. Working from home and agile working is common is my field.

clary · 06/07/2019 18:03

You can't be a positive role model for a mum who works if you don't work outside the home.

You can role model other positive things of course as SAHM or WOHM. The point is though that the majority of SAHP are mums, so some of us feel it's important to suggest other options to our daughters. And indeed to our sons, for their possible future partners.

Same with self respect. Working is not the only way to achieve it, but people valuing what you do, saying thanks and well done, appreciating your efforts and paying you for it are all things that can boost your sense of self esteem and self respect. There's no ffs about it.

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