AIBU to ask for help to see the benefits of full time work

[Whitewinespritzer]

After being really lucky and a stay at home parent for 8 years I now have to go back to full time work. I keep trying to think of all the positives and not what I’ll be missing out on with my children but I’m struggling. The thought of not dropping off and picking them up from school makes me feel so sad and missing out on school holidays. I know there are lots of benefits of work but I can only think of money, please can you lovely lot give me some positives to full time work?

@cyclingwith3, thank you, I keep trying to think of it as a new phase, it feels less daunting, I have absolutely loved being a stay at home mum. I do understand why pp have put self respect but I think maybe I’ll be more confident knowing that I’m helping to contribute financially to help my OH.

Pension. Pension. Pension. I was at home/ part time for over 10 years. Now full time & over paying into my pension like mad - I want to be able to retire comfortably at 60. Hopefully to enjoy any future grandchildren

There could be 101 reasons why working has its benefits, but unless they outweigh your desire to pick DC up from school and spend holidays with them they aren't going to be good enough reasons for you.

Presumably you don't need to financially work (apologies if this is incorrect) so you can give it a go and if it doesn't work out then you can go back to being SAHM. Have you considered going part time to start with so you get a mix of working and being at home?

Positive role model to children
Mental stimulation
CPD - I love continuing to learn and develop
Sense of achievement
Time to read on a commute/lunchtime
Enjoying spare time more
Difficult to explain but the busier I am, the more I get done - at work and at home
Dressing up more frequently for work events and having a separate working wardrobe
Definitely having a decent pension and hopefully soon adding to savings as childcare costs reduce.

Definitely agree upfront with partner and children the sharing of housework. My kids have set jobs - emptying the dishwasher and tumble dryer, feeding the cat etc and I aim to split other chores as much as possible to avoid resentment. This includes school admin etc which can start to feel stressful if not shared. Good luck!

@jarofheart we do need to the money, part time won’t help enough. Oh no, I was starting to feel much more positive but I am worried you’re right.

@Whitewinespritzer in that case, if you need to work financially then you may not have a choice. I have to work for financial reasons and would love to be SAHM. So if I were you I would ignore my previous post and carry on looking at the positives. Embrace the change - once you are working you might even enjoy the new working mum role.

There are lots of reasons

Financial independence
Pension
Work ethic
Role model for children
Covering the costs of children and yourself
Being able to buy gifts for a partner they haven’t actually paid for themselves
Adult company

@jarofheart 😂 I am trying to ignore you previous post! Thank you to everyone who has said that i need to make sure that my husband understands he will be sharing housework and washing. I will also get my children to do more jobs. I am feeling more positive again, thank you you lovely people!

Just having a different identity. You are more than a mother.

Slightly different angle. . . Although being involved in the school run is great, my DC have actually really benefitted from after school club. They have very close friends there (not friends they would have made anyway as from different year groups etc) and find it a lot of fun to hang out with the other kids for a couple of hours before coming home. So what I thought of as a necessary evil of going to work has actually turned out to be a positive for them, as well as for me.

I think it depends on the job you're going to take. If it's just something for money but you're not really interested in it the positives are different to if it's a role you're going to enjoy.

Personally I find full time work a bit of a struggle as I'm a single parent but I need to do it for money. I enjoy my job but I'd enjoy it even more if I could do it about 20hrs and then have the rest of the time at home.

The main positives however are : a lovely bunch of colleagues, a good boss who is letting me learn and progress and a job that allows me to be creative and have fun. I'd miss the interaction with my colleagues if I didn't work but wish I didn't have to do 'everything'!

Some of the companies I've worked for have provided

Free qualifications
Volunteer days
Charity fund raising days
Entry into competitions to win various
Pension
Share save
Sickness benefit
Life insurance
Paid holidays
Opportunity to learn new skills
Meet new people & make friends
Social clubs
Bonus
Free food
Birthday celebrations
Etc

Learning new skills
Making new friends
Role modelling for your kids
Nice holidays
Real sense of achievement and pride in ‘paying your way’
Being an equal
Having more to talk about than the kids
Being able, within reason, to buy what you want

I think some of these benefits only really apply if in a "good job."

Returning to work after 10years out to something entry level often wont get half those benefits! (But be a necessity.)

Those that say, "oh I couldn't not work," and/or put down those that dont, but are fortunate enough to have a well paid job/perhaps able to do pick ups and not use lots of childcare/ have lots of holiday/a good pension etc are in a v different position to those working hours and hours in a job with defined hours, little pay/pension.

For me, being a positive role model for my children and others is important.

Independence. I didn't work for six months and I HATED relying on my husband for money. It wasn't an issue for him but it made me feel beholden.

More family money which you can use to save or go on nice holidays with.

The social side or the actual work, I don't care about at all, but I would never not work again.

There is a post in another section where a couple are retired & the lady has zero access to any money. She didn't work & stayed at home. It's heart breaking to read

If you go out to work
There is the money & the social aspect

When younger I worked in restaurants. Free food every shift I worked

In retail, subsidised canteen. Also able to purchase food at reduced price

But the welcome and time with the children just moves. You don’t pick them up (unless they go to after school and then tbh it’s kust the same without the hell of the other parents in the playground) but you come home to them and you hear about their day and you see their homework and you eat and play and love and learn abd spend time together.

I don’t get this obsession with school pick up. Masses of overtired children usually. Much easier to spend quality time with them when they’ve had a snack and a rest and a play.

There is a reason men don’t spend time hand wringing about school pick ups. However many fathers still manage to have excellent relationships with their children as do many women who work full time.

I firmly believe it’s also very good for your children to have space and development independence outwith the structured setting of school and I say that as the child of a sahm and a full time wohm of two. My relationship with my children is much better than with my mother.

Also the benefits of finance, independence , pension, adult company are not to be sneezed at.

Oh and get a housework rota in place before you start. Remember to include age appropriate tasks for your children.

Pension, pension, pension.

Money,
Friends.
Job satisfaction.
Paying your NI contributions/pension.

Comparing working FT vs PT, the main advantage I found besides the obvious is that you feel much more integrated and it makes it easier to feel part of an other family and build closer bonds. When you work PT, even if people don't treat you differently, you miss out on discussions that took place at otherr times, opportunities that came up whilst on your days off, important meetings etc... It's a lot easier to feel fully integrated when working FT.

I will add to the people shouting PENSION!!!!

Meeting new friends.

Having something else to do which doesn't include tidying up other peoples mess (in the literal sense)

You need to make it clear to your husband that you are going back to work because you need the money and you will not be available to be his maid anymore and that he will have to pull his finger out.

There are lots of benefits to hawing a paid job, all of which have mentioned many times. With regards to you asking specifically about the benefits of full time working then I'm not sure there are any

People generally work full time because they need the money, which is the reason you have identified for you going back to work so there is no choice in the matter.

I'm sure many people would choose to work full time even if they didn't need to but I can't imagine many would choose to work full time if they didn't have to and had young children at home.

But - do go and enjoy the perks: being out the house, making friends,
being involved in social activities, learning new skills, contributing to society in some way, earning your own money, having child-free lunch breaks, setting a good example to your children, being able to contribute to the household expenses, pension, finding a new sense of identity etc etc

There are lots of benefits to working so embrace them and make the best of your new situation. Yes you will find it hard being away from your children but going back into the workforce can be a very exciting step for you and who knows what doors may open for you and where they made lead..::

You pass on to your DC a good work ethic. They become independent and resilient. It's important for them to realise that Mummy is not at their beck and call. They meet new friends in after school clubs.
It's all good OP.

Change your mindset. You said you were lucky to be a stay at home parent, I think I am luckier because I have a career I absolutely love as well as being a positive role model to my children.