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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect her to have moved on by now?

34 replies

thatstheone · 03/07/2019 14:47

A colleague at work - we'll call her Sarah - divorced I'd say maybe 17 (give or take) years ago from her ex husband after he was unfaithful numerous times.

When they sold their family home, she moved into a nice home with her 2 young DDs and he paid the mortgage on the home up until this past month when it was handed over to her. According to her he also paid a decent amount of child support over the years. I'm assuming he still does but not sure how it works with children and when it stops etc.

Sarah has only had part time work until recently (her DDs are around the age of 18/19 now) and has no savings. Anything which has needed replacing or fixing etc in her home has been done so by her ex husband, at no expense to her. She talks about this situation almost daily, saying how he has ruined their lives and is responsible for the house not being up to scratch etc etc and that she hates her life and wonders if he lies awake at night feeling responsible for it.

I understand divorce is devastating but nearly 20 years later I do kind of think it's up to her to make something of her life now. She has had a fair few years of no mortgage and a decent whack in child support which she could've been saving some of in preparation for him no longer paying the mortgage.

I understand she could still have feelings there which could make her resentment more intense etc and am lucky enough to still be happily married but I feel as though her life will always be miserable if she does not start taking responsibility for her life and stop expecting her ex husband to make up for it.

Does anybody know anyone in a similar circumstance? I want to be there for Sarah and offer support but don't want to enable it. I feel she needs a bit of tough love to steer her in the right direction but I'm not sure how to approach it without sounding insensitive to her feelings.

OP posts:

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 03/07/2019 15:02

I don’t think you can quantify how long someone should get over something. It’s sad more than anything that she couldn’t let go. I doubt she ever will and tough love is unlikely to work in her situation.

Maybe say looks like you had a lucky escape or something similar.

snowone · 03/07/2019 15:21

My grandparents were divorced for nearly 40 years before they both died. My gran never got over him leaving her, she never met anyone else, still wore her wedding rings and still addressed herself as Mrs. Ex husbands name.

Some people never move on - there isn't much that you can do.

sneakypinky · 03/07/2019 15:23

Why has she only been working part time until recently? Her kids are both over 18.

PookieDo · 03/07/2019 15:27

My mum will never get over my dad leaving her and it’s grotesque listening to how bitter she is
I tend to ignore most of it and do not join in with sympathy

Badwifey · 03/07/2019 15:30

Maybe she doesn't want to move on. I know I am finished with relationships if myself and Dh ever split. I just don't want the commitment again or to live with a man again!

MyOpinionIsValid · 03/07/2019 15:31

Trouble is , when you get older, you always know people with a similar set of circumstances. In fact, exactly the same circumstances. What you aren’t factoring is all the benefits "Sarah" will also have accumulated by working PT. My friend got over £700pcm child support, also another £750per month in tax credits, a further DLA award (mainstream school, no mobility issues, Asperger’s) for her eldest son, plus her PT TA salary which equated to 15k per annum. Her ex also paid for extras like, the dogs insurance, the children’s cars, car tax, insurance and servicing, holidays. She was getting close to 40K per annum, a large proportion was tax free, which doesnt sound a lot, but it is.

(I'll point out this was 8 odd years ago, before the welfare reforms)

She had him twisted round her little finger, I always felt sorry for the 2nd wife TBH. But back to my friend, no, she didn’t pay the mortgage off, she had an utter melt down when all the maint and tax credits stopped. Yes she could have paid off the mortgage, it was quite small. Instead she has to sell and move out, which upset two of the boys (both Asperger’s) to the point one had a complete MH breakdown. She was a very self-indulgent creature.

mummmy2017 · 03/07/2019 15:32

If you try to support her she will get worse..
She likes moaning about him.
She decided long ago to not move on .
Just change the subject or tell her you need to get on with work.
Do not be her go to moan buddy.

Pinkmalinky · 03/07/2019 15:33

Some people choose not to move on. Has she ever met anyone else out of interest? She may still be clinging onto the notion of him returning one day which is obviously not going to happen.

Hithere12 · 03/07/2019 15:35

Why has she only been working part time until recently? Her kids are both over 18

Because maybe she’d rather work part time? Jealous? 😂

Hithere12 · 03/07/2019 15:36

Has she not dated in 17 years OP?

Maybe it’s more than him leaving her, but being repeatedly cheated on has given her trust issues making it very difficult to meet someone else.

tympanic · 03/07/2019 15:45

My parents separated almost 30 years ago and still despise each other. Unless something truly dreadful happened in their marriage (don't think so) the way they act is appalling. It's pathetic in fact. I find it exceptionally sad when people carry that around with them for so long. And strange too because once you're out of a toxic relationship shouldn't you feel free and excited about the new possibilities?

AcrossthePond55 · 03/07/2019 17:53

Honestly, I think infidelity makes it much harder to 'move on' as far as resentment goes than any other reason for the breakdown of a marriage, especially if the OW/OM becomes a permanent 'addition' to the equation. My cousin carried deep resentment and showed it for close to 15 years after her ex left her for the OW and then married her. She still feels the resentment more than 20 years later, but to a lesser degree and hides it better. But she still managed to move on with her life in a fashion during that first 15 years. It's a choice. You can feel resentment, even deep resentment, and not let it stagnate you, not let it become the motivation for everything you do and your only topic of conversation.

That being said, each person has to deal with it (or not) in their own fashion and it's not down to us to judge how they do it. As long as she's not asking you for money nor involving young children in adult matters, just leave her be. It's not your job to offer 'tough love' or try to chivvy her along. If you don't like hearing her go on about it, just absent yourself from the conversation or change the subject. It's usually not too hard with a coworker just move away, have lunch at a different time, stick in a pair of earbuds and (pretend to) listen to music.

dudsville · 03/07/2019 17:55

Just another on here to say you can expect all you want. Doesn't change things for her.

gamerwidow · 03/07/2019 17:59

It’s sad when people can’t move on and build a new life for themselves. All that resentment festering for 20 cant be good for her mental health. It’s probably frightening going from having that financial support to being solely in control of her finances. People often lash out in anger when they’re scared.

Mumberjack · 03/07/2019 18:13

There’s a difference between not getting over someone in an emotional sense and not wanting to take ownership for their own life and expenses.

bridgetreilly · 03/07/2019 18:17

How she feels about him is one thing, and that may never change. Letting that stop her from taking responsibility for her own present and future life is quite another. Blaming him for her own house maintenance issues or job situation is ridiculous.

IrmaFayLear · 03/07/2019 18:31

Yep, dsis still has only one topic of conversation after being divorced 20 years. She is obsessed with the injustice and thoroughly bitter.

Friend of mine had counselling following her acrimonious divorce as she said being bitter for years was only eating up her - her ex didn't give two hoots.

KatherineJaneway · 03/07/2019 18:33

I know a few people like this. My view is they felt they had a perfect situation for them, just how they'd imagined their lives would be but eventually the man left. To them, he destroyed the life / dream they always wanted (and had for a while) and they can't get over it.

AuntieMarys · 03/07/2019 18:36

My dh's ex is like this. Divorced 7 years, ( because of her infidelity)....she is a bitter woman. Her adult daughter has nothing to do with her as she moans all the time about her situation.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/07/2019 18:37

I know a couple of women who have clung on to their bitterness like grim death for decades after their divorce. What a pathetic waste of life.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/07/2019 18:45

You’re a colleague, you don’t have to be a friend and it’s not your job to sympathise is dole out any tough love. Just mmmhmmm at her and look away, walk away, get on with your work. I’d stop entertaining it all, you must be bored to bloody tears and the workplace isn’t the right place to offload this type of emotional bullshit.

Her finances are her problem, she’s an adult and it’s her look out. I feel sorry for her kids but that’s also on her.

SagAloojah · 03/07/2019 18:51

I agree. Why do you want to 'offer support'? Let her enjoy playing the victim, she sounds a bore.

Mintychoc1 · 03/07/2019 19:00

My Mum hates my Dad as much as she did 49 years ago, when he left her for another woman. OW has long since died, and he’s been married 3 times since then, but she still hates him as much as ever. When my brother died she wouldn’t let him come to the funeral.

stuffedpeppers · 03/07/2019 19:04

i am 7 yrs on and have moved on - new partner etc etc.

However, interactions with the EX always bring a tinge of sadness now. Sadness that someone who I cared for deeply and one of my so called friends could treat me so appallingly. It left a feeling of worthlessness and self doubt that at the time was overwhelming - it has faded with time but their is still a tinge in my psyche.

I am not bitter, do not hate him, just have never understood why how or what made two people treat another human being as badly as they did

historysock · 03/07/2019 19:11

Stuffedpeppers-I think your situation sounds Similar to mine although you have a few years on me in terms of the amount of time that has passed
It's changed me dramatically-and I do feel bitter about it. But I'm trying very hard not to let it define me.
I feel sorry for your colleague OP. It's very easy to get trapped in a cycle of negative thoughts and bitterness and quite hard to get out of it. And twenty years ago without the help being as easily available and the societal norm of Talking things through etc I can imagine it might have been even harder.

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