to expect her to have moved on by now?

[thatstheone]

A colleague at work - we'll call her Sarah - divorced I'd say maybe 17 (give or take) years ago from her ex husband after he was unfaithful numerous times.

When they sold their family home, she moved into a nice home with her 2 young DDs and he paid the mortgage on the home up until this past month when it was handed over to her. According to her he also paid a decent amount of child support over the years. I'm assuming he still does but not sure how it works with children and when it stops etc.

Sarah has only had part time work until recently (her DDs are around the age of 18/19 now) and has no savings. Anything which has needed replacing or fixing etc in her home has been done so by her ex husband, at no expense to her. She talks about this situation almost daily, saying how he has ruined their lives and is responsible for the house not being up to scratch etc etc and that she hates her life and wonders if he lies awake at night feeling responsible for it.

I understand divorce is devastating but nearly 20 years later I do kind of think it's up to her to make something of her life now. She has had a fair few years of no mortgage and a decent whack in child support which she could've been saving some of in preparation for him no longer paying the mortgage.

I understand she could still have feelings there which could make her resentment more intense etc and am lucky enough to still be happily married but I feel as though her life will always be miserable if she does not start taking responsibility for her life and stop expecting her ex husband to make up for it.

Does anybody know anyone in a similar circumstance? I want to be there for Sarah and offer support but don't want to enable it. I feel she needs a bit of tough love to steer her in the right direction but I'm not sure how to approach it without sounding insensitive to her feelings.

My Mum hates my Dad as much as she did 49 years ago, when he left her for another woman. OW has long since died, and he’s been married 3 times since then, but she still hates him as much as ever. When my brother died she wouldn’t let him come to the funeral.

WTAF??? Unless your dad wasn't in your lives much, I think this is by far the worst thing a parent can do to another.

What a despicable person to deny someone the chance to say goodbye. Did your dad not fight to come??

Fuck me, some things that people do out of bitterness truly shock me. Sorry that you were no doubt in the middle of it...

Does seem a waste of a life to never have moved on in 17 years! What a sad life, but if she’s not helping herself nothing is going to be different. It happened it wasn’t nice, but 17 years have passed. At some point you need to let go

With people like this the more you support the more they walllow......

My sister is the same. 23 years, but you'd think he left yesterday. I just have to switch off when she starts the inevitable hate- filled monologue about him. Don't get involved with this woman - you'll never be able to get away. Just do your work and ignore her gripes.

My mil is just now, after 32 years, getting counselling. She’s been remarried for over 25 years, but hasn’t got over the shock and humiliation of being left. She will text her ex-h with random memories of their life together and then be disappointed that he doesn’t respond.... and then tell everyone that it’s indicative of his dreadful nature that he chooses not to engage.
It’s very difficult to watch and it’s taken a complete newcomer to her life to point out that her mind is not in a healthy place

I don’t think it’s your place to offer tough love or support. I’d just leave her as she is.

a decent whack in child support which she could've been saving some of in preparation for him no longer paying the mortgage. that’s not how child support works. It isn’t designed as a long term savings benefit for once the children have left home.

sneakypinky
Why has she only been working part time until recently? Her kids are both over 18

Why is it anyone else's business? How do you think she'd feel if she knew people were judging her on a public forum?

Allfourofthem There are no rules for what you spend maintenance on, it just goes into the household pot, some people have money they can save each month others don't, same as every other family.

I work in a sector that interacts with families on benefits. It's always hard for them when their children have grown and benefits stop. It's a day everyone knows is coming but no one seems to plan for.

Well if he left her with a 1-year-old and a 2-year-old you can see that she may have felt a bit trapped at least in the beginning. If she has had a mortgage for 17 years she must have some equity in her place.