To ask for your help to rise above EXW

[AWOL2019]

my DP and I have been together for 5 years, we are getting married this year.

DP and EXW were divorced over 7 years ago - i was not the OW

DP and EXW are still financially tied - she lives in their marital home but wants to move so court order states she has to give DP half when the house sells.

Because of this reason DP has always kept EXW "sweet" by this i mean he hasn't had challenged her rediculous demands.

She has had a hard time coming to term with the divorce, she has never moved on and regrets how it ended (she cheated and started the divorce as she wanted to start a new life with the other man, who ran off as soon as they were divorced)

DP met me a year and a half after the divorce and EXW has hated me ever since although has never really spoken to me and only met me twice.

their DD and I get on famously, I don't "take over" but I feed her, help her with homework and just generally there for her whenever I'm needed.

EXW does not like the relationship their DD and I have - an example of this was i'm not a bad cook - EXW used to be a chef - DD loves my spaghetti bolognese and had no problem going back and telling her mum. Her mum hit the roof, she is a better cook, she shouldn't be favouring my food over hers etc etc. Poor DD was very upset and came back and told me what happened.
This was never challenged by DP. DP just said ignore her.

There are several things that have happened since - too many to list them all but basically i feel like i am getting pushed out now that DD is getting older she is more influenced by her mum and keeps telling DD things like "once your dad and AWOL have a baby you will be out of the picture, they won't want to know you"

Again DD has come back upset about this but EXW denies it and says it was DD's school friend that has put the idea in her head..

DP has a conversation with EXW who said well she's worried you are going to have a new baby and then she will be pushed out - DP then says no we are not having a baby so DD doesn't need to worry. Why did he need to indulge her?! Why couldn't he have just said its OUR business no one elses?!

When EXW found out we were engaged she bombarded DP with texts, congratulatory at first and then turned into saying that DD was very upset that everything was going to get left to me if anything happened to DP - DP then reassures her that actually he is leaving everything to DD.

I got very upset over this - I said it feels like you are telling her what she wants to hear, she wants to know I mean nothing to you and you have just reassured her that I don't! It also spoilt our engagement day - every time i think back to that day i just think about how EXW made it about her, and how she was feeling about it and basically reminding DP that he still had another family to consider in all this.

DP tells me to stop being so stupid - so what if she thinks that, we know differently etc.

DD kept coming back for days afterwards with some reason to be upset and always something her mum had said to her. One night I had to leave the house as she was inconsolable and DP wanted to be alone with her - she was told by EXW that if I was not around then her mum and dad would be back together. DP would not ring EXW and challenge this - just let it go over his head!

Back last summer EXW was told by DD that DP and I were going on holiday (we weren't, so no idea where DD got that idea from!) - EXW rang DP and asked when we were going away and DP said we weren't. EXW said something along the lines of good, because it's not fair on DD to which DP replied and said i know, and that's why we aren't going away..

More recently she has said about selling the house they own together, again she used DD and said DD is upset that you are going to use the sale money and buy a house with AWOL and own it together - she is very concerned that again if anything happens the house will go to AWOL.

Again DP says no we wont be buying a house together, I am buying a house and it will be in my name only.

Again giving her what she wants to hear!

DP thinks I should just rise above it, but in my eyes he's keeping her happy and assuring her that our relationship means nothing.
What;s going to happen after we are married is he going to avoid telling her about that too??

Do i need to get a grip and just roll my eyes and rise above this or should he be saying something to her?
I feel like i am some invisible house maid that helps out but isn't actually a serious part of DP's life.

DP and I had a big row about this last night he says so what if it's what she wants to hear, as soon as the sale goes through he will be free from her, so I said good and this shit stops and that if something happens that she isn't happy with then tough because we WILL be buying a house together whether she likes it or not! He said I'm being petty and should just rise above it all and let her think what she wants to think. I said I don't want her to think I'm some poor sod whose fiance doesn't think very much of me thanks! If she thought differently perhaps she would try to move on with her life!

It just feels like if she gets wind of something she kicks off and gets reassurance from DP that it won't happen - I would like DP to ask her to mind her own bloody business and that it's no longer her concern but he won't and sees no point in winding her up for the sake of it but in my eyes he's more concerned about her feelings than mine.
Other random things she does - she will ring DP to have a conversation when she knows we are together alone when DD isn't there. For example a cousin of EXW that DP met once in the 10 years they were married recently had a baby. EXW rang DP to tell him all about it! Was on the phone for over 15 minutes. DP laughed and congratulated in all the right places rather than asking why on earth she felt the need to ring him with this news!

DP loves to play golf - recently EXW met up with an old school friend who happened to be married to a keen golfer. EXW then gave friends husband DP's number, told him all about how good a golfer he was and then rang DP to tell him she had arranged a golfing afternoon with her friends husband! DP said ok yeah great rather than challenging why she did this.
her friends husband never actually rang, i'm guessing he thought it was a bit odd too.

Are you sure you want to marry him? He will always have links to his ex through his daughter.

it's not the links to his ex that bothers me - it's her behaviour and how he responds to it that get to me.

If IABU I will learn to rise above it. If he IBU I need to have more of a conversation to state that its wrong what he's doing but at the moment i just keep getting YABU from him.

It sounds to me like he's trying to not rock the boat, which while hard for you is the best for his daughter. He could kick off and stick up for you but ultimately, it's likely his kid will suffer because of it. I'd say you are being unreasonable and need to learn to not let it bother you.

Any man, worth his salt, will place his partner first and foremost. Not pander to ex's. He doesnt make you feel important or cherished. I'd be reviewing my future.

I think you need to grit your teeth here.

I get that it’s infuriating, but what would be the point of telling her something she will use as ammunition against you?

@MyOpinionIsValid but he’s doing it so his ex doesn’t upset his daughter with a load of shite?

What age is the DD? I think she sounds rather manipulative actually, but I can't be certain until I knew her age. I think DP needs to have a discussion with EXW and say that a child should not be privy to a lot of the info she is being provided. She does not need to know about babies/ house sales/inheritance concerns. EXW certainly does not need to know.

Is this apparent house sale just the carrot she dangles to keep him sweet? Is it ever actually going to come to anything? If it was 6 months away I would say, hold on in there and see how things settle once he no longer needs to pander. However, if it is this eternal "soon to be" thing I would be cutting my losses and give him the ultimatum of either man up or sod off.

Although; if it is a legal order that she has to give him half the house sale profits, why does he need to be nice to her in the first place? He could treat her how he likes and one way or another once the daughter turns 18 and the EXW loses her right to retain residency in the marital home he will get his 50% anyway....

@ElizaPancakes - he's doing it because he's spineless.

Definitely try and rise above it. Hard though.

How does DP act with you? That's what matters.

Hello OP

Talk to him somewhere out of the house,explain how you are feeling and that you want his support.
If he is entitled to half of the house,why does he need to keep her sweet?he only needs to lodge his interest with the land registry.
If he continues to undermine you then perhaps the engagement should be prolonged or broken off.
Yanbu.

Are you sure the DD is always being honest about what she claims EXW has said?

Any man, worth his salt, will place his partner first and foremost.

Child

And he is placing his child first. As tashac said. She does sound difficult, I’d just do my best to ensure she doesn’t get to know anything about you and him, or minimum at best so that she can’t preempt it with a moan.

With the spaghetti sauce example, don’t say anything. Don’t make a big deal. Just say i’ll give your mum the recipe.

I couldn't marry a man like that. He shouldn't be indulging her stupid demands and allowing her to manipulate their daughter, just so she feels better about herself.

I would tell him you don't find his doormat side very sexy...
When my dp was being walked over (his dps) I found it hard to respect him and told him so!
If he hasn't got your back now is buying a house together wise?

Regardless, your problem is with him not her. He needs to prioritise you, and he isn't. He doesn't need to 'keep her sweet' at all - she will sell the house because of the court order, not because he's 'kept her sweet'.

Yikes. In keeping his daughter close to him, he’s willing to lose you - I would reconsider marrying someone like this - sorry x

To clarify, the mother is difficult. Not the DD, she is just in the middle. Make it your job that at your house, she isn’t in the middle or conflicted.

I've been here with an ex-w

I'm afraid to say from bitter experience that the ignore route is the only one that works

Oh dear OP. Think very hard about being with a man who tells you you’re being stupid and minimises your very reasonable objections to him being a spineless arse and throwing you under the bus to placate a woman who chucked him for another bloke she was already shagging. YANBU at all and the only way to handle someone like his ex is to maintain a united front. He’s not willing to do that so the future looks a bit shit.

How old is their dd?

I don’t think this is about the ExW at all. It’s your DP that’s the problem. (Isn’t this always the case?)

If we look at your examples:

About who is the best cook. That’s a ‘who cares?’ So what if his ex got upset that her DD likes your spaghetti bolognaise? The thing to do there is to ignore any ex tantrum and say to the DD that it’s good she likes what you cook.

The new baby example... the issue there is that your DP even discussed it with his ex. His role would be to reassure his DD that she’ll always be a fundamental part of your family (and, if necessary, tell his ex to stop interfering).

The holiday thing... Again, why didn’t he say that it’s none of her business. It would be perfectly reasonable for you and your DP to go away on holiday when you don’t have contact. The fact that he’s basically just agreed with her that you aren’t allowed to is not OK. But it’s him that’s the problem.

The making you leave the house because his DD was upset... why on earth did you go? And why did he want you to? He could console her without telling you to essentially get lost.

The engagement/inheritance thing... why didn’t he shut her down and say that his life choices and what’s in his will are none of her business? He put her concerns above you and outright told her that he’d make sure it all went to his DD. Now inheritance questions in stepfamilies are tricky - but it’s you he should be having them with, not her.

The house thing... again, why is he having the conversation. And, more importantly, why would he be buying a house in just his name? He’s supposed to be marrying you and sharing everything with you.

The constantly telling you to stop being silly and just let him go on prioritising his ex (not his DD, but his ex)... that’s really the issue.

Don’t marry someone who’ll give his ex more say in your living, holiday and financial decisions than you get. Or someone who’ll tell you to leave your house because you’re currently not convenient.

I've been in this situation, wasn't the OW either. The constant pressure of pacifying her and being manipulated by her caused me to have an emotional breakdown. Only then did my DP finally grow a pair and stand up to his exW. Which, to be fair, he has done unflinchingly from that day.

My advice is to find a way to communicate to your DP just how serious this is for you and request that he supports you. I would strongly advise you not to go ahead and marry him until you are certain that he will change his attitude and behavior. You are setting yourself up to be very unhappy if you don't.

Well said @Crustaceans. This is the reality of what's going on

If I was you id reconsider. He is not a man... don't have kids with him and don't bother staying about if I was you. Yea might have to wait for your engagement but youll be better off with another man.

Lets be honest here. You cant help him and if he is letting a kid call the shots then its far too much drama id say

Thanks for your replies.

So with regards to the house sale - he is keeping her sweet because she could decide not to sell and therefore DP and I could not buy our own home. We are renting and have been for a few years but we would like some security and would like to buy our own home but we can't as DP is still on the mortgage with EXW.
DD is only 13 so we would have to wait another 5 years if we wait until DD is 18.

EXW has insisted she hasn't brought up inheritance/babies etc and that its come from school friends - we know this is a lie but we can't prove it. She is purposely putting things into DD's head - the paranoid part of me says she is doing it so that DD will come to us upset and then I get ushered out as DD doesn't want to talk about things like the house infront of me and EXW keeps telling DD its none of my business.

I'm fine with her wanting to speak to her dad on her own. What I'm not fine with is EXW dictating to her that this is how it should be and that im not important enough to be involved.

I have never said a bad word to DD about her mum. Everytime she has said oh mum has said this i just smile and nod, we wait until DD is not here to talk about what's happened as I don't want exw to have any ammunition.

@Crustaceans exactly! this is my argument why did he have to even respond to any of it why couldn't he have told her to mind her own business!