To ask for your help to rise above EXW

[AWOL2019]

my DP and I have been together for 5 years, we are getting married this year.

DP and EXW were divorced over 7 years ago - i was not the OW

DP and EXW are still financially tied - she lives in their marital home but wants to move so court order states she has to give DP half when the house sells.

Because of this reason DP has always kept EXW "sweet" by this i mean he hasn't had challenged her rediculous demands.

She has had a hard time coming to term with the divorce, she has never moved on and regrets how it ended (she cheated and started the divorce as she wanted to start a new life with the other man, who ran off as soon as they were divorced)

DP met me a year and a half after the divorce and EXW has hated me ever since although has never really spoken to me and only met me twice.

their DD and I get on famously, I don't "take over" but I feed her, help her with homework and just generally there for her whenever I'm needed.

EXW does not like the relationship their DD and I have - an example of this was i'm not a bad cook - EXW used to be a chef - DD loves my spaghetti bolognese and had no problem going back and telling her mum. Her mum hit the roof, she is a better cook, she shouldn't be favouring my food over hers etc etc. Poor DD was very upset and came back and told me what happened.
This was never challenged by DP. DP just said ignore her.

There are several things that have happened since - too many to list them all but basically i feel like i am getting pushed out now that DD is getting older she is more influenced by her mum and keeps telling DD things like "once your dad and AWOL have a baby you will be out of the picture, they won't want to know you"

Again DD has come back upset about this but EXW denies it and says it was DD's school friend that has put the idea in her head..

DP has a conversation with EXW who said well she's worried you are going to have a new baby and then she will be pushed out - DP then says no we are not having a baby so DD doesn't need to worry. Why did he need to indulge her?! Why couldn't he have just said its OUR business no one elses?!

When EXW found out we were engaged she bombarded DP with texts, congratulatory at first and then turned into saying that DD was very upset that everything was going to get left to me if anything happened to DP - DP then reassures her that actually he is leaving everything to DD.

I got very upset over this - I said it feels like you are telling her what she wants to hear, she wants to know I mean nothing to you and you have just reassured her that I don't! It also spoilt our engagement day - every time i think back to that day i just think about how EXW made it about her, and how she was feeling about it and basically reminding DP that he still had another family to consider in all this.

DP tells me to stop being so stupid - so what if she thinks that, we know differently etc.

DD kept coming back for days afterwards with some reason to be upset and always something her mum had said to her. One night I had to leave the house as she was inconsolable and DP wanted to be alone with her - she was told by EXW that if I was not around then her mum and dad would be back together. DP would not ring EXW and challenge this - just let it go over his head!

Back last summer EXW was told by DD that DP and I were going on holiday (we weren't, so no idea where DD got that idea from!) - EXW rang DP and asked when we were going away and DP said we weren't. EXW said something along the lines of good, because it's not fair on DD to which DP replied and said i know, and that's why we aren't going away..

More recently she has said about selling the house they own together, again she used DD and said DD is upset that you are going to use the sale money and buy a house with AWOL and own it together - she is very concerned that again if anything happens the house will go to AWOL.

Again DP says no we wont be buying a house together, I am buying a house and it will be in my name only.

Again giving her what she wants to hear!

DP thinks I should just rise above it, but in my eyes he's keeping her happy and assuring her that our relationship means nothing.
What;s going to happen after we are married is he going to avoid telling her about that too??

Do i need to get a grip and just roll my eyes and rise above this or should he be saying something to her?
I feel like i am some invisible house maid that helps out but isn't actually a serious part of DP's life.

DP and I had a big row about this last night he says so what if it's what she wants to hear, as soon as the sale goes through he will be free from her, so I said good and this shit stops and that if something happens that she isn't happy with then tough because we WILL be buying a house together whether she likes it or not! He said I'm being petty and should just rise above it all and let her think what she wants to think. I said I don't want her to think I'm some poor sod whose fiance doesn't think very much of me thanks! If she thought differently perhaps she would try to move on with her life!

It just feels like if she gets wind of something she kicks off and gets reassurance from DP that it won't happen - I would like DP to ask her to mind her own bloody business and that it's no longer her concern but he won't and sees no point in winding her up for the sake of it but in my eyes he's more concerned about her feelings than mine.
Other random things she does - she will ring DP to have a conversation when she knows we are together alone when DD isn't there. For example a cousin of EXW that DP met once in the 10 years they were married recently had a baby. EXW rang DP to tell him all about it! Was on the phone for over 15 minutes. DP laughed and congratulated in all the right places rather than asking why on earth she felt the need to ring him with this news!

DP loves to play golf - recently EXW met up with an old school friend who happened to be married to a keen golfer. EXW then gave friends husband DP's number, told him all about how good a golfer he was and then rang DP to tell him she had arranged a golfing afternoon with her friends husband! DP said ok yeah great rather than challenging why she did this.
her friends husband never actually rang, i'm guessing he thought it was a bit odd too.

How far away is their joint house from being sold? If it’s soon I’d grit my teeth and try to just smile and nod for a bit.
If it was a long way down the line I’d kick off and tell DP he needed to some me some respect and stand up for me as I couldn’t put up with that long term.

I’m honestly aghast that you seem very caught up in what SHE thinks.

My partner has a very difficult ex-wife who has tried various devious “plans” aimed at trying to get a rise out of us (particularly me despite the fact we’ve never met and I’m not the OW either) and we laugh about it and move on with our lives. I couldn’t give a damn if she thought I was a crazed cat lady that lived under a bridge.

I think this situation points to self doubt on your part. Ideally you should feel assured that your partner is just stringing her along and wants to be with YOU.

Forget about her and her ridiculous comments. Focus on your partner and your step daughters happiness. It won’t be long before your step daughter latches in to the reality of the situation and it will backfire in her mum. Don’t do anything to give the mum ammunition.

I would be wary of the 13 yo DD. Not singling her out, I have daughters of my own but lets be realistic here; girls particularly teenage girls have the potential to be incredibly manipulative, trouble-making little people. This could all be a case of the DD telling you one thing, telling her mum another and playing everyone off against each other. I could be wrong, but I would be watching what was said around her, and what reactions I was giving to the things she is telling me.

She could like you very much at face value, but still be hoping to create a situation where she creates enough aggro between you and her dad that maybe in her head she thinks her parents could reconcile.

Like I say, could be 100% wrong but when I first read your post I queried how old the daughter was and with you confirming she is a teenager it sets alarms off or me

You should absolutely not be shuffled out of the room - say no to this!

But, if he won’t tell her to stop sticking her nose in where it’s not wanted, then what can you do?

It’s really, really easy to focus on the ex and everything they do wrong. But actually, if there’s a ‘villain’ in your life story, it’s currently your DP who tells you to just put up with him not prioritising you.

The ExW May be doing all kinds of terrible things, but she is only able to because he lets her.

What exactly does his consent order say about the house? If he agreed she could stay in it until his DD was 18 or it was sold, then you are both going to have to accept that you won’t be buying a house for 5 years. He’s giving her the power to mess with your plans and pretending that ‘keeping her sweet’ will make s difference. It won’t. If she does sell before their DD is 18, then it’ll be a bonus. But he (and you) should be acting in the assumption it’s not going to happen.

That’s just how it goes when you have a relationship with a divorced man with ongoing financial ties to his ex.

I think he is mostly handling a difficult situation well.

They seem to have a good relationship if they can be on the phone and chatting/laughing for 15minutes. That is really positive for their daughter.i also think he is right to say, rise above it as whatever he says isn't really going to change her mind. The ex & daughter are worried that his daughter will be pushed out (blame a legacy of wicked step mum tales!!) and at each commitment stage, selling house, getting engaged there will be tension and anxiety.
Only time and your dp's actions will reassure their daughter.

I think that you might have been a little unreasonable to get upset over the engagement as your dp has to factor in his daughter for big events. That is something you have to adjust to because he has obligations (a child) that will be impacted by your life decisions.
Think ahead to your wedding or new house. It will be naive of you assume it's just you & dp, you have to factor in his child like you would if you had a child. If you start everything knowing the dd will be insecure then plan for how you involve her. Sure it's a pain but he is a parent first so can't be like your friends childless partners.

I get that you want your Dp to put you first but are his actions showing that? Focus on the actions, not the words.
You are engaged, you are buying a house together, I assume you have discussed wills?

How old is the Dd? Once she is at Uni life will be easier and your dp will feel grateful that you helped him to parent her.

Btw, I think step parenting is the toughest role in life and if you don't have your own children it involves sacrifice at nearly ever turn.

If he places a charge on the property as per the agreement in their divorce, the money has to be released to him by solicitors whenever the house sells.

@lifebegins50 Sure it's a pain but he is a parent first so can't be like your friends childless partners

My friends childless partners?? All my friends have children with their husbands

Not once have i not factored DD into our future. it wasn't DD that upset me at our engagement, it was the bombardment of texts from EXW!

He needs to grow a pair and tell them both what's what. He is treating you with no respect.

I don't actually agree that he is handling this well and I certainly don't agree that it's in his daughters best interests to essentially lie.

It sounds from your post like him saying to his exW you won't be having a baby or buying a house together are not necessarily true facts at all.

That will not help his daughter, him saying one thing when he knows its not actually true.

What would help is to be honest but speak to his daughter about why these things are worrying her and reassure her that she will still be loved and be a part of his family whether or not you have a baby or buy a house together. He can speak to his daughter about this directly, he does not need to discuss your personal business with his exW.

Surely it will cause far more problems telling her a lie and then expecting her to deal with it when she discovers it wasn't the truth?

If she asks anything like that again your DP should say that it isn't really any of her business what you two are doing with your futures however, he will speak to DD about it if it's causing her concern.

I suspect that the daughter is playing both ends against the middle.
There are things that she has passed on to her mum, that she has heard or misheard at your house.
Don't underestimate the sneakiness of kids who have gone through divorce. She may well get on with you, and even like you very much. But when she is upset, mum and dad make an extra special fuss of her. And she may well like that more.
ExW may be a possessive of her exh but she may just be trying to protect her daughter.
Or a bit of both.
Perhaps reassure the child that she will always be important in your family regardless of any potential future children, weddings or house moves. And keep on reassuring at regular intervals