A no contact inlaw thread

[Fakenametodayhey]

Fake name because it would be so obvious who it is.

Moved to a new area, haven't seen inlaws in a few years because they were horrible and 'borrowed' money and bits and bobs. Never paid back or gave stuff back. They tried to break us up and used to say weird things to my children about me.
Dh didnt see it. Didnt believe it and it caused problems.

Anyway last straw was when i confronted mil for actively stealing from us. We were checkong our bank statememts and discovered that she had made a note of our bank details when visiting (from bank statements left in drawers not on the side) and she tried to hit me and my poor dh had to literally drag her out of the house kicking and screaming. All of this infront of our 2 dcs.

We have had no contact since then. The cost to us was in the thousands and we never got any of the money back. This was over a few months.
We had no idea why we seemed to be losing money but just thought we were overspending.

I have seen her and the family a few times and the first time she came over to me and the kids (2yo and baby in sling) and said 'uh sorry' and i said 'what' (i was terified and on a bus so she was leaning over my 2yo and blocking our exit. She is very big and im petit and had lost loads of weight due to being ill during pregnancy aswell so i was scared as fuck! And holding baby) and she started screaming at me - in 2yo face and my face. And babies face! I was shaking and so were my poor babies.

The next time i saw sils and mil (withthe baby in a pram this time and 2yo holding on to my hand they followed me and the kids about 2 streets down before racing infront and blocking my pram and threatening to beat me up. In broad daylight. Again shouting in all of our faces.
Luckily it was only shouting for about 15 mins (i know because my bus went past that was 10 mins to wait for) and then they walked off throwing theor fingers around. I was obviously stuck. Couldnt get the pram away from all of them blocking me. The kids were crying scared and confused and i didnt go shopping on my own or anywhere really for a while after because i genuinely feared for our safety.

Now its been a few years and my dh (who didnt witness any of this and thinks i was exagerating- 2yo obviously couldnt back me up) wants to engage with them again.
He said be doesnt care about the money anymore (but it was my money aswell so i think i get a say) and he basically misses his family. Which is fair enough.

All of the problems were with me. I was the one they threatened and tried to assult. I was the one to scpur through all of our receipts and try to match up all of our spending with our bank statements and call the banks and companies involved (ebay/amaxon etc) and try to get some refunds. I think we got 2 or 3 vouchers for our loss. Thanks ebay.

He lost his family but they betrayed him. It is in a way my fault- he didnt want to co front the theft and just pretend it didnt happen. I wanted our money back.

He doesnt blame me outloud, and our relationship has soared without the inlaws i volvement . Noone is trying to split us up anymore so magically all of our marital problems disappeared with his family.

I am in 2 minds.
On one hand I never want theives coming into my home again. Especially theives who threaten me and try to hurt me.
On the other hand i can see how lonely he is at christmas and birthdays. He has noone but my family to share these times with and when he gets drunk he opens up about missing them. This lead to a phone call and a promise of seeong them soon.

I dont know what to do.

There is a 3rd dimension. My dad has recently been diagnosed with early onset dementia and the last 2 years have been like having an evil demon for a dad. His behaviour was disgusting and even though i did lower contact with the children and myself and dh obviously, i never completely cut contact.
He has thrown a few fits before we could get him some help and could have hurt us by throwung glasses or lamps amd he has threatemed me.
Because of his age we didnt even consider dementia and now he has been diagnosed and has medical help he is alot easier to deal with.

Dh uses the fact i didnt cut contact completely with him before we knew it was a medical issue as a reason to dismiss my feelings towards his family. 'But you still see your dad so i should see my mum' kind of thing.
But my younger sibling lives with my dad- if she didnt i probably would have cut contact but i didnt want to abondon her with his abusive behaviour.

Its all very confusing and sorry that its so long but i need help. What do i do? How do i handle inlaws.
We also have another baby that mil hasnt even met. And eldest (2yo last time she saw him in the street) remembers 'nanny hurting mummy and shouting at us'

We have asked him if he would like to see her again and he said no. Daddy asked what if she said sorry and he said 'yes but only to tell her to give us our money back'
He knew about the money from their threats and shouting not from me brainwashing him against her. Which is what some members of the family have insinuated.

I dont know what to do.
They might have changed. In the last year i have seen them and extemded family about 5 or 6 times and they just ignore us now.

Bloody hell this is long. Just wanted to add he called at our engaement - wants to see them again and definietly wants them at the wedding.

I dont want them to cause a scene - notorious scene causers.

My take on it; You dont have to see anyone you dont want to see. If your DH wants to see his mother, then fine, he can go to her house or meet on neutral ground.

With regard to the money - did you go to the police ?
With regard to the screaming in the street - did you go to the police?
With regard to the assaults - did you go to the police?
If not, I have little sympathy I'm afraid.

I would suggest that it starts very slow - he can see them on his own if he wants, but not in your home and you certainly do not have to see them. I would also keep your kids away from them. If your husband wants to have a relationship with them himself it’s his choice, but he is absolutely not entitled to pressure you into doing the same, and he has to protect your children by not forcing them to see her. If he isn’t absolutely respectful of your boundaries on this, he is part of the problem.

Your dh has a bloody family!! You and the dc!! Tell him he is welcome to see them but your dc aren't safe around her and he can't be trusted to protect them can he? I hope the police were involved. Fraud is a serious thing...
Your dh needs therapy imo....

I think I got lost at the end - engagement, wedding? You said DH - Dear Husband

But, reagrdless of my confusion - tell him he can do as hw wishes.

He can see his family whenever he wants, but you will ot be going with him. Ask him if he thinks it is right to take your DC to see someone that one of them appears to be scared of.

Tell him that he can make a choice between his famiies... any time he chooses. But you will not be marying him if they are invited, you have no intention of allowing them into any part of your liofe. They have harrassed you, stolen from you, threatened you and scared yur choild. What the fucj else does he need you to say before he accepts that his mum and sister do not like, respect or care for you?

And if he feels that way abou his mum he shoudl be able to see whay you didn't cut your dad off...

I would not let people who had stolen from me and then threatened me with violence in front of my children, anywhere near my family. I would also expect my DH to protect me from his violent family. These people do not deserve a second chance. Your DH needs to sort out his priorities.

If he wants to see them then it's his choice - he can either go to them or meet them somewhere, but don't go with him. I wouldn't be allowing the DC to go either. It's been years so they are nothing to the DC. Your DH/DP can go and maybe in time he'll get to see for himself what horrible people they are. I think I'd be putting off the wedding until I was sure he was supporting me and the DC.

@MyOpinionIsValid DH said he couldn't handle the stress of losing money, losing his family and dealing with the police. I did contact action fraud about the money but they just gave us a crime reference number and logged it on the system. I did make anonymous reports on the website regarding the bus and street incident. But i didnt leave my name and havent heard anything fro. Their side. I wouldnt know if the police contacted them.

He agreed that je should see them alone but he said she will want to see the kids.
And he wants us all to go together and basically act like nothing happened. He told ds1 that if he mentions the money then it will make her sad so dont say that.

I asked him if they said anything out of sorts that im leaving. He said he wont leave and i shouldnt make a scene out of a big deal (if you ever!)
And he also said i have to learn to stamd up for myself because he wont be making a scene himself.
It feels like he is putting their needs of not being embarrassed before my needs of not being insulted.

@Whathappenedtooursummer he would never go for therapy.
And he has been really great but now we are talkimg about his parents and family and boundries he has started acting like he used to- dismissing my feelings as unreasonable and saying that the kids arent safe with my dad so we need to cut contact to make it fair.

Its becoming obvious that he has been blaming me silently for not allowing him to sweep the problems under the rug. And now its all coming out.

It is understandable and hes not being a complete dick. But he wants to go all in and try and i want to be wary.

I dont know what wpuld happen if it was my dad- i think i wpuld want to sweep it under the rug too. But id demand he paid us back and apologise before- which he wont do.

I'm sorry but I think you need to put your foot down. If he wants to see them fine. But and your children do not. They sound unstable and dangerous. Also they sound like the sort to say bad things about you to your children. And your DH sounds like a spineless twat. He shouldn't be telling your ds1 what not what to say.

@CuriousaboutSamphire oh i did write df for dear fiance but realised that people might confuse it for dear father so changed it to dh for less confusion.

Yes but his argument is that i accepted my dads bad behaviour so why cant he accept his mums.

I know i dont have to make the effort but i also sort of want to for his sake. They could have changed. I dont know what a few years without seeing your son or grandchildren does to you.

HIBU!
He can see them alone, he doesn’t get to serve you and the DC up to them after the way they have behaved.
If he thinks that won’t be enough for them, he to really think about what that says. They have no real relationship with your children, they dislike you, he is their son. Why is it not enough for them?
It suggests it is about control for them, not love, not missing him. Is he the family scapegoat by any chance? It sounds like he wants something he can’t have, a relationship with nice loving parents.
Well if he’s prepared to settle for what they offer, he doesn’t get to drag the rest of you in as tribute/ meat shield.
How dare he warn you not to “make a scene” given the way they have behaved. I would stand firm on this.

In all fairness you cannot stop him having a relationship with his family and in turn you have every right not to engage with them in any form.

I would not marry him to be honest .. I would instead be making an exit plan 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ah! Then, like others, I woud probably tell hm that you can't do that as he is simply throwiing you under a bus. He MUST open his eyes to their behaviour and not expect you to speak out and then be accused of wrecking his family.

And no, I wouldn't be marrying him either!

It s possible that the wedding is making him nostalgic for 'family' but that does not excuse him not being supportive of you. They are his family... he has to deal with them!

I kow how hard that is, my DH is still a bit shaky when it comes to his, more so now with th recent death of his DF. But is great when I have my own wobbles. We are both very much the black sheep of our respective families!

He is a wonderful father and partner. I wont be leaving him for this. We really are meant to be but his need to please his parents seems to be trumping his need to please me.

He was the scapegoat. He used to borrow the whole lot of them money every week. It was ridiculous. They hated me because i said no ( my money aswell) but he told me that he did used to borrow her money behind my back.
Well shed ask him to not tell me because of financial embarrassment and he believed that.

I just feel so sad for him. Obviously it wasnt all bad and i used to really like them. But when i was pregnant mil had a massive shout at me (on my way to a hospital for extra scans as baby was tiny and i was ill) i was trying to include her by asking her to come to the scan and she embarrassed me at the hospital infront of loads of people. I was crying and panicking.
She then haf the gall to ask to borrow my phone to tell fil what had happened. And i let her. She certainly asserted her dominance that day.

Thats how its been the whole time since. She shouts at me and i just took it. I felt bad for rocking the boat. And upsetting her. I probably sjpuld have stepped back but dh was so imterested in big happy families.

He thinks i should give them another chance. They have done their time to be fair. I dont want to say no. He wants support from me. Not for his first meeting but after that. And i think that is a fair request. I would wamt him with me if the roles were reversed. But the history would make it too scary. I think hes making too many allowances for their behaviour. Before anything has even happened.

I dont want to let him down in that way

I dont want to postpone the wedding as my dads illness could get worse and i want him taking me down the aisle while he still remembers me.

And he also said i have to learn to stamd up for myself because he wont be making a scene himself
He's never really suported you has he?
He didn't even believe you regards the incidents
He didn't even care that his children were getting caught in the crossfire.
He's never going to support you.

Of course he's going to use your family against you to try and 'even' things up - as though this is some sort of fucking competition!
His family have treated you like shit from the beginning - your dad didn't.
He developed the symptoms, and even though you didn't have a diagnosis, i bet he still wasn't anywhere near as bad as the in laws?
Now that you DO have a diagnosis, his past actions make sense and you can move forward knowing it wasn't personal.
Whereas with his family they've always been like this, it's not a health related issue and they CHOOSE to behave like that.

He can go back for more shit from them if he likes, but you need to keep your dc safe from all that toxicity.
I'd also secure your accounts and keep an eagle eye on everything because they will interfere in your life the first opportunity they get.

He used to borrow the whole lot of them money every week. It was ridiculous.

Why did he borrow money from them?

in future, anymore aggressive behaviour/threats from them you go report it to the police.
Fuck what your DP feels!

MyOpinion
She means 'lend'

@MyOpinionIsValid no he borrowed to momey to them. Regional thing. He lent the mother and extended family money through her. They wouldnt even ask themselves

Yes he lent them money

They are bullies. Do not let them near your children. Your partner is unreasonable to even suggest that you have them at your wedding. If I were you, I would be rethinking my relationship.

I'm sorry to be blunt but he is neither a wonderful father or partner if he dismisses the assault you and your children suffered at the hands of his family. How the hell can an adult compare accepting your father's behavior due to dementia and his family's horrible and violent behavior?
Your future MIL stole thousands of pounds from you and assaulted you multiple times but he's angry at you for not participating in his denial and cuckoo land thought process?
You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of relationship issues with him if he cannot accept their behaviors are wrong.