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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL issues as usual

45 replies

ejs26 · 03/07/2019 12:41

My baby is 9 weeks old and I’m finding it hard to cope with my mother in law who seems to be going out of her way to ignore what I say. Every time our son is around her she immediately wants to wrap him in blankets regardless of how hot it is and what he’s already wearing. I later find him in too many layers and sweating. Recently he was left in a vest, baby grow, jacket zipped up with a hood, and wrapped in a blanket in front of a bloody open fire!!! Its summer, 24 degrees & far too hot to be in so many layers. I took his clothes off to change him as he’d soaked them through with sweat and she argues with me that he is not overheating, sweating isn’t bad for him, and that she knows better than me since she’s raised four kids herself. I’ve tried explaining my concerns and the dangers of overheating/link to SIDS but she just responds with “my kids were fine”. I have noticed when he is so hot he is very sleepy and hard to wake, which terrifies me. Now the other day the same thing happened, I leave the room for 30 mins to find he was wrapped in a fleece blanket and I can see his hair dripping with sweat so I straight away unwrapped him. MIL laughs at me and says how she knows I don’t like him being wrapped up but she does it anyway because she did it with her kids!!! Deliberately going out of her way to prove she knows better than me as soon as my back is turned. My partner tells her that we always welcome her advice, but we do get the final say and she will have to do what we ask. This has since turned in to a big argument with MIL saying she wont see our baby if we don’t trust her alone with him, and that she is hurt that her son is no longer taking his mum's side (he's a grown man for Christ's sake!!!) and is upset that he's agreeing with me over her. It’s not only manipulative to make him feel like he has to pick between us, it will eventually drive him away from her and I feel awful for him that she's being so unreasonable with him. I’m now too scared to leave my son with her, but thankfully my partner agrees with me 100%. I am not an argumentative person but felt like I had to stand my ground on this one as the safety of my son is a thousand times more important than her pride. I feel like being a new mother is hard enough without being completely disrespected and laughed at. Cant tell if I'm being too dramatic about not wanting to leave him with her, I feel like I'm right but she's got this weird way of making you feel guilty when you've done nothing wrong. Help 😂

OP posts:
MammaMia19 · 03/07/2019 12:44

My mil did this a couple of times with my first it was stressful! I think it was because it obviously made her sleepy.
But it wasn’t something she kept doing once it was pointed out how sweaty/bad it is for the baby to overheat.
I wouldn’t leave her alone with the baby for a while or move all blanket and clothing out of her reach

IsAStormApporaching · 03/07/2019 12:48

Overheating in a baby is so dangerous in a newborn.
YANBU. And it's great your dp supports you.
Would it be possible to get some sids leaflets to pass on to mil so show how real and genuine your concern is.
You are doing everything right by putting your baby's need first. Stand firm.

MyOpinionIsValid · 03/07/2019 12:49

MIL laughs at me and says how she knows I don’t like him being wrapped up but she does it anyway because she did it with her kids!!! Deliberately going out of her way to prove she knows better than me as soon as my back is turned

Simply say "Maud, out of your own mouth, this is why I dont trust you with my child"

MIL saying she wont see our baby if we don’t trust her alone with him

"Maud it is your choice not to see him"

she is hurt that her son is no longer taking his mum's side

"Maud, No good will come of you meddling in out marriage"

BillywigSting · 03/07/2019 12:53

My mil did this too.

Dp showed her the literature showing the link to overheating and sids and was very firm in basically telling her off if she carried on.

She tried on the whole guilt trip thing but dp said to her basically sorry mum by my son's safety is more important than your feelings and advice changes for a reason.

She backed down eventually when she realised she wasn't going to win but it is bloody stressful you have my sympathy op.

TomHagenMakesMyBosomTremble · 03/07/2019 12:53

You need a sling! Once she inevitably complains about it, "well MiL, I can't leave you alone with the baby, I can't trust you- so this is how it has to be to keep him safe".

froot · 03/07/2019 12:55

That is really dangerous, please don't leave your baby alone with her

We cant leave ours with mil either, it was really hard at first but we stood our ground and now she accepts it. Ultimately your baby's welfare is way more important

BillywigSting · 03/07/2019 12:56

X post with astorm the sids leaflets did help massively in this one.

We also went with the whole 'we didn't know either as that's what our mums did but now we do know, we know how important it is to keep them from overheating.' type of line.

Putting up your boundaries can be a tricky businesses!

Whathappenedtooursummer · 03/07/2019 12:59

My dh threw fil out on more than one occasion for exactly this!
Caught him in ds's room taking all the cot bedding off to put a fleece blanket under the sheet! And wrapping him in another one - ds was a June baby! Over and over he was told.
Seeing a grown man flounce was a sight ime!

suzy2b · 03/07/2019 13:09

Mine was a june baby many years ago i have photo's of him out in his pram in just a vest at 6 weeks never wrap him up when it was warm

Comtesse · 03/07/2019 13:12

Stand your ground - yanbu. She is being DEEPLY unreasonable.

Iliterallycantthinkofanythingq · 03/07/2019 13:48

This could kill a newborn. Your MIL is an uneducated fool. You need to keep your baby away from her!!!!

Aquamarine1029 · 03/07/2019 13:58

I wouldn't allow her in my home anymore. Problem solved.

FirstWorld · 03/07/2019 14:02

Who on earth lights a fire in June??
Your MIL is batshit. Don’t leave her alone with your baby again. Not even for a minute. If she flounces, so much the better.

ohfourfoxache · 03/07/2019 14:08

Bloody hell fire Shock

Don’t leave your dc with her ever again, no wonder you can’t trust her

Youwanapizzame · 03/07/2019 14:09

Next time she says this "she wont see our baby if we don’t trust her alone with him," reply "what a fucking shame Maud - off you pop then!"

WhatchaMaCalllit · 03/07/2019 14:13

This is the paragraph that jumped out at me @ejs26:
Now the other day the same thing happened, I leave the room for 30 mins to find he was wrapped in a fleece blanket and I can see his hair dripping with sweat so I straight away unwrapped him. MIL laughs at me and says how she knows I don’t like him being wrapped up but she does it anyway because she did it with her kids!!! Deliberately going out of her way to prove she knows better than me as soon as my back is turned. My partner tells her that we always welcome her advice, but we do get the final say and she will have to do what we ask. This has since turned in to a big argument with MIL saying she wont see our baby if we don’t trust her alone with him, and that she is hurt that her son is no longer taking his mum's side (he's a grown man for Christ's sake!!!) and is upset that he's agreeing with me over her.

You reply (if she comes out with the nonsense about you or your DH not taking her side) "No Maud, we're not taking anyone's side. We're listening to and following the advice of trained medical professionals that have learned from the past to improve the future. I mean we've progressed a lot since we used to put babies in wire cages outside the windows of multistory apartment buildings. We wouldn't do that nowadays so we don't do this either. If you can't see that, then you're a danger to your own grandchild and I'll have to ask or tell you to leave"

SavingSpaces2019 · 03/07/2019 14:31

How about a very blunt "HE IS NOT YOUR FUCKING CHILD - HE'S OURS AND WE CALL THE SHOTS?"

brainfrying · 03/07/2019 14:38

This is so dangerous. Could you arrange for her to be there when the health visitor to come and get them to explain this to her (or if you have a friend who is a nurse or doctor).
I feel so sorry for you, being a new mother is so hard and adding any extra stress on top of this is so unfair of her. Your DP needs to be really firm with her.

EsmeeMerlin · 03/07/2019 14:43

You just need to make sure baby is not alone with her at all times.

BuddleiasEverywhere · 03/07/2019 14:43

Why would you have to leave the room for 30 minutes? Do you live with her?

Cookit · 03/07/2019 15:25

Don’t leave the baby alone with her.

TheHopefulTraveller · 03/07/2019 15:40

This has since turned in to a big argument with MIL saying she wont see our baby if we don’t trust her alone with him

Just say fine. She'll back down faster than you can peel away that baby blanket. Then this can be your first and last power struggle with her instead of just the first instalment in a multi-volume family saga.

YANBU of course.

Deelish75 · 03/07/2019 15:41

I don’t think giving SIDS leaflets to her will work, she’ll probably just chuck them straight out as she believes she knows best unfortunately. Possibly a stern talk from the HV might work but it might not. She’s had chances so I wouldn’t leave her unsupervised anymore - you reap what you sow!

I don’t know the answer to this but as she is deliberately adding extra layers unnecessary and causing him to overheat would that not be classed as assault? (Hopefully someone else might be able to answer that)

CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/07/2019 15:44

This has since turned in to a big argument with MIL saying she wont see our baby if we don’t trust her alone with him Then tell her that you will have to abide by her wishes... and never leave your child with her, ever!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/07/2019 15:45

Oh.. and if anyone, flying monkeys, ask have a simple sentence ready

"Because she has some very old fashioned ideas about raising a child and was putting him at risk"

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