To wonder how DH will cope with his new baby *Thread title edited at OP's request*

[user87382294757]

At 50. We have two already and he really wants another one. Ours are late primary / early secondary age. I can't have another myself (nor would I choose to have another now, mid 40s) due to previous medical issues. So, as the mortgage is due to be paid off etc I have suggested he either could look at adoption or fostering, perhaps, and it will fall to him to sort childcare / feeding / nappy changing due to having two children already.

I’m with you op. Maybe tell the parents of your young visitors that your DP is really keen to do all the hands on with their little ones this weekend. Including the night shift and all nappies and feeding/ any meal prep plus entertainment.
Maybe tell them why so they really do step back and wake him for the night disturbance and prompt him to collect and carry the equipment, change, comfort and clean up after as they watch smiling and just do the snuggles and hyperactive play bit , returning them to him for the calm down 🤣

Yes, it is quite funny. He was all soppy on the phone inviting them to stay, then they said we will take you up on the offer, and come for a week! I have already asked what he will be doing with them etc (thinking he might try going into work- is self employed so can be flexible). I have suggested he could take them all to the local petting zoo, swimming and the soft play as feel he missed those experiences the first time around, or has maybe forgotten those joys. and suggested the mum and I might go to the gym / shopping to give her a break.

Absolutely make sure you do that! He gets what he wants, and mum gets time away to rest and relax.

You are both unreasonable to consider bringing another child into your family when you are not both 100% committed to it. Even if your remark about him having to do all the childcare was light hearted, it made my blood run cold. A child is not a pet whose care can be divvied up like that, particularly not a fostered or adopted child who will already have experienced some level of loss or trauma.

I wish I knew how to attach videos but he needs to watch Nile Cranes baby on Frasier. He is caring 24/7 for a bag of flour ‘baby’. It’s wonderful.

Tbh I would start by leavig dal with the two he already has for a week or more. On his own.
It seems he has no idea what parenting means at all.

Oh and once back, I would very happily delegate some of that parenting to him as he is so keen to be close to his dcs and have plenty of children. I would suppose he would jump at the opportunity to send more time and do with them too.

Your op is unreasonable as it is in bad taste to joke about fostering / adoption. Yanbu to tell your dh to do this as a fuck off. He has fathered more than his fair share of children and presumably not looked after any of them. Time to wait for grandchildren. Those are bundles of joy, which can be handed back.

Yes, totally to your last post. Get him to take a week off work and look after the kids single-handed, bonus if it's over the summer holidays. He needs to be reminded (or shown in the first place?) how much work they are.

He already has two older DC who he has a good relationship and he's very lucky so I don't feel too sorry for him.

So he has four children in total and wants a fifth?

Even if your remark about him having to do all the childcare was light hearted, it made my blood run cold. A child is not a pet whose care can be divvied up like that

Lots of men have children without doing any of the childcare as described (we have politicians boasting about never having changed a nappy etc). No one is up in arms about it, or thinks their children are damaged.

But it was clear that the op saying he has to do all the work was to prove he couldn't do it, not a serious suggestion.

No child really wants a 70 yr old father when they are barely 20.

I'll tell my 15 year old his 72 year old Dad is no use then shall I? I don't think he'd swap for a younger model.

OP, our baby is 11 months old now. DH was 49 when she was born. DH has been doing the night shift since I went back to work at 6 months. DBaby was up 3 times between 2am and 5.20am this morning. How about you set random alarms around your bedroom and leave him to find them at 2am, 2.27am, 3.08am etc. when they go off?

Older dads are brilliant if they're fully engaged with how much work is involved with small people. Your's just needs a reality check.

Be kind to him?

Often this is about getting old. Once he come to terms with that, the baby urge goes.

I think your DH really needs to think about your older kids. It's very easy to think at certain points that parenthood is plain sailing. I have DC's 16 and 18, both quiet nerdy types. If you'd have asked me a few months back about parenthood, I'd have told you it was just fine. Then the shit hit the fan! We've had depression, alcohol misuse, self harm, exam stress, broken relationships....the whole teen shbang to contend with. It has drained both me and DH. This all came in the aftermath of a death. It is very easy to assess your capacity and think "oh yeah, it's fine" but our experience has taught me that you're never many steps away from a tough time and it's good to not take on more than you are able to and leave some spare capacity.

Yes. To be honest, having come out the other side now with both of mine, I would emphatically stress that whilst in many ways they’re independent and don’t need you all that much in practical terms, for many, many people the late teenage/early adulthood phase is the most demanding. Your children are quite likely to need a great deal of help, guidance and support in the years to come. It’s not easy to be a fledgling grown-up these days. I feel strongly that you and he should be available for them, not starting out on doing the whole thing again (I know you’re on the same page anyway, but it might be a good thing to stress to him).

Really wise words Tinkobell, hope things are improving now for you and your family

Adult kids sound way harder to me in some ways, you can stop them from making bad decisions in the same way you can stop an impulsive toddler

Yes I see where you are coming from with the needs of older children / teens. My eldest has just chosen their GCSE options and is 14. They can seem so independent, catching the bus to school...but yet can also be so young at times and inexperienced as well, and you never know what is around the corner. With our health issues, also we need to focus on them, totally agree.

Honestly you do have a long road ahead with your existing older kids. Parents can look at a 14 YO and assume that it's a sort of predictable route ahead..... GCSE, A Level/6thForm, Uni....fly nest. But it's often not like that. Along the way there are challenges that mentally push you to the limit as a parent. The impact of substances (even in naice homes and areas), sex, respect for the house, car ....choosing a career.....so much going on I can't begin to tell you. As a parent you have to make a seismic shift quite rapidly from parenting a child to parenting/mentoring a young adult (in legal terms post 18) with a load of issues. It's bloody hard. I know if I'd had a baby or toddler on my hip, I'd have missed half of the serious problems going on with my teens....and they've been serious issues which we are still working through for a good while yet to come including self harm (endemic) and even a tough one point suidical ideation. My teens are nothing out of the ordinary....not wild not party animals.

Very good point. I went a bit off the rails myself as a teen when my parents were preoccupied not with another baby, but with having an affair and a divorce. i almost did it to make them notice me! - and due to lack of any support or attention, so yes I do know that as well. All of which is why I am being so serious about this! My aim is to keep things as stable as possible for the DCs in their teen years, not that that in itself can prevent stuff happening but so we can cope as best we can with anything that does go wrong. DH maybe doesn't see it like I do as he has a different upbringing (no divorce and drama) however he too had little guidance, ended up failing his exams and leaving school early (his dad worked a lot and was never home) so yes really these are some of the most important years aren't they.

to those dealing with teen struggles above. I also had MH issues in university (repeated a year) starting in my teens so know what you mean.

Hire one of those mechanical babies for a couple of weeks that mimic a real babies needs that he has to look after completely. Even take it to work.

He sounds like a childish prick to me

Has he always been selfish?

Childish? Give it a rest.

I think he sounds lovely. He knows he isn't going to have anymore children and is obviously feeling quite sad about that.