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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice/opinions on boundaries

35 replies

MrsPatrickDempsey · 03/07/2019 02:20

DD is 17 (18 in autumn) in year 12 studying A levels. She lives at home and has unlimited access to our 2nd family car on the understanding that there is a discussion about using it rather than an entitlement. She drives to college and her part time job. She is now in her first relationship and things are quite serious and full on.

My Aibu relates to what boundaries we should put in place for her now. Yesterday she texted and asked if she could spend the evening with bf at his house (2 miles away). No problem; I asked if she would be staying over as she has a school trip today with early start. She said not. But here I am now wide awake - she is still at his (iPhone tracker!) but not responding. Head in knots about her missing school trip etc. But am I too lenient as I effectively let her come and go as she pleases? I understand she is growing up and an adult soon but still feel some responsibility, particularly when it comes down to attending college etc.
I accept that choosing to distance herself from family life is part of this but how much do you put up with?

OP posts:
IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 03/07/2019 02:26

If my mum had had an iphone tracker on my phone at that age, I would have left the house and never come back.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 03/07/2019 02:28

And at that age, she should be responsible for herself getting on school trips etc.

You're the opposite of too lenient. You are babying her. There is nothing wrong with checking in with her, still guiding her etc, but if she hasn't learnt responsibility by near-18, she's not going to suddenly pick it up now.

Original poster
MrsPatrickDempsey · 03/07/2019 02:39

Thank you. It's interesting that you think I am babying her. What do you mean exactly? I actually 'control' or question very little of what she does but I wonder whether while she is living here I need some boundaries.

OP posts:
IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 03/07/2019 02:43

Worrying about her making it to the school trip. Having a tracker on her phone. She still asks permission to go out.

For a 17 year old I think all those are way too much.

Missangrypants · 03/07/2019 02:47

@IAmAlwaysLikeThis

How do you know that the DD does not know about the IPhone tracker? Maybe it was agreed between them if for example DD had lost an expensive phone previously.

OP, you have reminded her about the trip, so hopefully she will return in time in the morning. If she doesn't who will miss out? Her, not you so don't fret anymore and try to get some sleep, which is what I should be doing myself!

If your DD is old to drive, she is old enough to be responsible. It will be your DD's loss if she misses the school trip. If you paid for it, make her pay the money back to you.

Missangrypants · 03/07/2019 02:48

Old enough to drive, that is.

RainbowMum11 · 03/07/2019 02:52

Wow, when I was 17, and all the time I was living with my parents, with a slight exception when I had finished school & was paying board, I still answered to my Mum!
This was 20 years ago but the respect is still valid - no car, had to use & pay for public transport to get to my part time jobs/visit friends.
Have you had to pay towards her school trip? It is not babying her, but she really does need to learn.

jameswong · 03/07/2019 03:05

If she misses the school trip, who misses out? Her. Do you think the best way to make sure she never misses important appointments as she ages, is to micromanage her so she never misses one as a teenager? IMO, she'll learn more by making mistakes than she will by being constantly reminded.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 03/07/2019 03:17

miss where did I say she didn't know? Very confused by your comment.

HellYeah90s · 03/07/2019 03:20

At nearly 18 she could have well left home, be married etc.

You need to let her make her own decision, and she can learn from the consequences. By all means remind her but don't treat her like a year 7 who has just started secondary.

I had a friend who's mum babied her, micromanaged and did everything for her etc. When she left home she never had any time management skills (constantly missing lectures, doing assignments the day before etc) and had poor organisation skills. She ended up dropping out in 2nd year because she couldn't manage herself.

Might be a bit an extreme case, but the point still stands.

Iliterallycantthinkofanythingq · 03/07/2019 03:57

The phone tracker is inappropriate unless she knows about it. If she still has to ask permission to go out then I'd say you're not a lenient parent? So I wouldn't worry about it. Any more boundaries would be excessive.

user1480880826 · 03/07/2019 05:58

You sound like a really nice mum. You appear to give your daughter a lot of freedom (people have accused you of making your daughter ask permission to go out - obviously that’s more about her asking to use the family car though!). I’m surprised people think your micromanaging and babysitting her. That’s not how I read your comment at all.

I think the phone tracker thing is actually very sensible. If she went missing it would be invaluable. I assume she is ok with it since she would have to enable it from her phone.

Missing the school trip is her problem. She’s old enough to take responsibility for that.

Monty27 · 03/07/2019 06:04

It's a learning curve for you both.

dottycat123 · 03/07/2019 06:10

The only rule I had/have at 17 is that they respond to texts to let me know what their plans are. I don't object if the plans change but in this situation I would just be reminding that they need to be up for school trip.

arabicabeans · 03/07/2019 06:21

I’m surprised by the responses on here to be honest. We have a DS who is about to start A-levels in Sept and I can’t imagine this time next year he’ll be out at 2am midweek! A-levels and school attendance are important. If we’re paying god knows how much in school fees, there is no way we’d allow this. Plus, I can’t imagine him having a girlfriend here at that hour and her mother doesn’t know if she’s staying over or not. This all sounds crazy to me. I guess when they go to uni, it’s a different story, but no way, not while they’re still in school!

arabicabeans · 03/07/2019 06:23

Plus we have 2 girls and I can safely predict now that there’s no way my husband would allow them to be at a boyfriends past 2am at 17. That just will not happen.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 03/07/2019 06:25

"there’s no way my husband would allow them to be at a boyfriends past 2am at 17"

Why just your husband? That sounds so creepy to me, like he's the protector of their precious virtue or some shit.

Blondebakingmumma · 03/07/2019 06:28

Wow! I was living alone by 17. You sound suffocating to me

arabicabeans · 03/07/2019 06:31

It’s not creepy IAm. I just know he wouldn’t allow it.

Surfskatefamily · 03/07/2019 06:34

She's most likely just fell asleep. I'd moved out of my mum's house by then so wouldn't have responsed to much checking in.

However as she lives at home it's not unreasonable to ask that she texts you if her plans change. To ensure your not worrying and you know she's safe really.

Ounce · 03/07/2019 06:36

Lol at creepy sexually possessive dad. Good luck with that!

KTara · 03/07/2019 06:37

I think it is important that DD lets you know where she is whilst she is living with you - this is for her own safety rather than as a means of control and as a matter of courtesy.

The likelihood is that she changed her mind about staying over as she was tired but forgot to update you. I do think as she said she would be home, a quick text to say she would be back in the morning would be a courtesy. She is not yet staying in her own place.

So I would frame it as courtesy rather than boundaries and because you obviously would be worried about her. She is still only 17 and at school.

herculepoirot2 · 03/07/2019 06:38

17 is a tricky age, and it sounds like some lines are blurred here. She has many of the trappings of adulthood (a car, a serious boyfriend, ability to come and go pretty much as she pleases) but is still at school, going on school trips, presumably not paying her way etc.

I would expect at the very least contact from her to say she was staying over.

arabicabeans · 03/07/2019 06:41

What will the school do if she doesn’t show up? Presumably the trip is compulsory?

My DH is not creepy at all, by the way! What a strange thing to say. He would just want to know where is 17 year old, school-attending daughter is in the middle of the night.

Opossooom · 03/07/2019 07:01

She’s at school under your roof you’ve contacted her out of respect the message should be replied to within an hour. After that she’s just ignoring you. She has YOUR car might I add. Highly doubt something bad has happened whilst I say this. It’s a matter of respect.

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