Advice/opinions on boundaries

[MrsPatrickDempsey]

DD is 17 (18 in autumn) in year 12 studying A levels. She lives at home and has unlimited access to our 2nd family car on the understanding that there is a discussion about using it rather than an entitlement. She drives to college and her part time job. She is now in her first relationship and things are quite serious and full on.

My Aibu relates to what boundaries we should put in place for her now. Yesterday she texted and asked if she could spend the evening with bf at his house (2 miles away). No problem; I asked if she would be staying over as she has a school trip today with early start. She said not. But here I am now wide awake - she is still at his (iPhone tracker!) but not responding. Head in knots about her missing school trip etc. But am I too lenient as I effectively let her come and go as she pleases? I understand she is growing up and an adult soon but still feel some responsibility, particularly when it comes down to attending college etc.
I accept that choosing to distance herself from family life is part of this but how much do you put up with?

Anyway, did she come back or make it in to school OP?

The phone tracker is inappropriate even if she knows, there's too much power imbalance, it's not two fully agreed adults using a tracker as a safety net for a lost phone or to find out when to put the dinner on when the other is driving.

It's one adult, using it to find information to control another.

I think its reasonable she makes you aware of her plans and any changes. For practical reasons so you know whether to cook etc and for safety reasons so you know whether she's had an accident for example if she is meant to be somewhere and didn't turn up

My parents also didn't want to be disturbed late at night as they had work the next day. They used to say it was fine for me to stay out on a week night or come home but if I came home it had to be by 10.30 or something which i think was fair enough - obviously there were times when I wanted to be later so agreed this with them

Thank you for the responses. The range of views are interesting and points I will consider.

To clarify the phone tracker is 'find my iPhone' that we all have as part of the family share thing. Tbh we don't use it to stalk each other; it is a safety thing for the children. I used it last night when I woke and was worried that she wasn't home as I expected her to be.

The school trip is a compulsory thing part of their studies which I have paid for.

She came home at about 6.

Thinking of what I was like at 17, I think you should probably be grateful that she was actually at her boyfriends for the whole night and Not else where! Talk to her about letting you know as it's respectful and then I guess let it go.
At 17 you think you're so grown up, first loves etc. And as others said, schools now her responsibility, as uni and job will be!
Good luck!

At 17, my DD was living 50 miles away at university, and using fake ID to get into nightclubs, OP!
Kids in Scotland used to go to uni at 16, after Highers - there were several 16 year olds having to dissect corpses in my first year at medical school.
I think it’s time to regard your DD as a young adult, and step back a little. Be available for advice or comfort if needed, but don’t micromanage.

I don't understand why people have such an issue with FindMyiPhone, especially when they use it for teens. It seems it is inappropriate for teens but not for adults . I'm not a parent, but was 17 once and got up to all sorts of stupidness. I think if I had a 17 year old, I think it would be reassuring to know she's at her boyfriends/college/nightclub as planned rather than in an alley or something. It's a grey area....they're almost adults but still lacking in adult skills.

My husband uses it when im cycling to work as I travel some busy roads and he worries about accidents, he finds it reassuring to know im safely at work. He's not jealous, I'm aware of it, I can always turn it off my end if im not happy with it.

It seems it is inappropriate for teens but not for adults confused.

It's okay if both individuals are 100% fully happy for it to be used for the purposes it's put to, in situations where one of the individuals is in power over the other (e.g. teens, domestic abuse etc.) then it's not okay.

If your DH was jealous, then what would he do if you turned it off? that's where the risk comes from - because teenagers are generally not independent enough of their parents (when you see the difficulty adults have getting out of domestic abuse due to financial and other pressures, imagine how hard it is for 16/17 year olds) the power imbalance is such that I do not think they can really freely agree to it.

I think you should thank your lucky stars (and your good parenting) that you have a sensible daughter who is studying, working part-time, driving herself around and in a stable relationship. It could be SO much worse!

To answer your question, I’d say she could’ve just popped you a text to let you know her change of plans (because it’s overnight we’re talking about) but that’s as far as I’d go.

Find Friends always gets people frothing on here. I don’t know anyone in real life who has an issue with it.