AIBU to block depressing friend

[LittleMermaidRose]

Only for a couple of days or so!

We live about 5 hours away from each other but are in contact through email every day.

Her constant negativity really brings me down. Every email is just her complaining, there is no actual conversation anymore. I basically get shut down if I try to talk about anything other than her problems.
Even if we somehow manage to change topics or shock talk about me for a change, she always finds a way to put a damper on anything I say and turns the focus back on to her.

Atm it seems like a very one sided friendship and it's making me feel resentful towards her. I want to be her friend, not her therapist.

I do feel terrible, we've been friends since childhood and I know she does suffer with anxiety and depression, but it's now starting to make me feel depressed too.

I dread opening up an email from her. If I don't reply, she'll send at least another 2 more.

WIBU just to block her for a couple of days? I'm dealing with some family issues atm (which I've told her about yet she's never asked how I'm doing) and I really don't need any more negativity right now.

Am I a terrible friend?
Any tips on how I can deal with this?
I don't want to lose our friendship.

You sound like a good friend. Don’t cut her off. Maybe you are her diary and she needs to get her feelings down. Just block her when you need to and don’t feel bad about it but don’t reject her.

I have a friend who can go on and on about her problems with any sort of encouragement. I have had to set in boundaries for myself otherwise it would just be endless. So when she messages me, even if it is 20 messages in a row, I don't answer until I am ready to answer. And then the answer can be something like "Sorry to hear that", or "Oh dear, that sounds difficult!". Something fairly non-committal and vaguely sympathetic. These tactics seem to have reduced the endless complaining to manageable amounts.

Thanks for all your replies.

She has sent me 7 messages since this morning... I haven't opened any of them yet. I don't intend to until at least tomorrow evening (but I'm trying my best to hold off until the weekend!)

I feel terrible, but I suppose it has to be done. I don't feel like I could bring myself to tell her the truth, I think it would hurt her and I don't want to do that.

I'd combine the advice on being sympathetic with slowly increasing the gaps

You say you have been friends for many years, be honest with her, or whats this friendship if youre not even honest with each other.

Do you think its somehow kinder to just ignore her. Text her you need to talk next week and give yourself and her space without ignoring her.

I feel so guilty ignoring her, although it will only be for a day or so more. I want her to realise that I have a life too, and I'm not always available to answer her constant emails.

I just feel it would hurt her if I told her the truth. At least if I make out that I'm just really busy she won't take it personally.

I'm trying to be the best friend I can to her but it's really starting to wear me out

It is lovely that you want to be the best friend you can be, but is she thinking the same about you? Maybe you need to readjust your investment in this friendship?

You feel guikty ignoring her for a reason, stop being dishonest with her and yourself.

If you dont want to support her then dont, but you are behaving quite pa, shes an adult and i thinj probably also considers you a lifelong friend. Get you big girl knickers on and tell her, but not by text.

If she has an inkling of whats going on its fairer and kinder to put her out of any misery she might be in because of the worry you might be causing her in suddenly ignoring without explanation.

Grow up and be honest, its you that scared, thats not helping her.

I don't know about any of you posters but I haven't had any professional training in mh.
Whilst trying to support mutual friend I had someone remind me that I wasn't equipped to deal with it as he could see it was dragging me down. The friend was becoming more and more needy and relying on me more than I could cope with.
If you can't do it properly, be kind and don't give your friends the impression they can lean on you. That's for qualified people.
Being a friend is totally different.

Do not tell your friend you can't cope with her always being down if she's genuinely depressed and not just feeling a bit down and being a moaner. If she's genuinely depressed then it's INCREDIBLY hurtful and will damage your relationship. It's an illness and you'd be a complete shit to say to someone who had lost the use of their leg "I don't want to go walking with you any more because you're making me slow down."

I would definitely explain that you're really busy, going through some things yourself, even if this is a white lie, and you'll try and reply but probably won't be able to do often for a little while. Also (if she's whatsapping and can see message is read or not) say that because you want to reply properly you'll read the messages at the weekend or when you have time to reply.

Then when you reply to her messages, IF there's one that sounds pretty dire, say you wish you'd had time to read and answer earlier and you feel bad that you couldn't but if she ever is alone like that and you're not able to be there, has she heard of jo@samaritans... Bring it in that way if it's relevant.

All the responses here so far more or less seem to reflect being pissed off at the depressed person. I've been on both sides of this situation and I ended up responding a bit like some of these suggestions which are fair enough when you're mentally healthy but if you're the depressed person, they're very painful and HARSH. You need to take space for sure, but be gentle about it. If she gets angry, insulting etc I'd be more direct but as a first line, I'd try to be gentle. Nobody would actively choose to be in her position - and she's TRULY not there because she's not been following your advice!!

I had a friend like this. I'm afraid that we have drifted apart. I tried my beat to be supportive and be there. I tried to listen and engage and be someone that could support her. She was (and still clearly is) depressed.

But it was too much. I became her crutch and a surrogate family member for the ones who lived a bit further away. It took over my time. Every visit, message, email, conversation would be a huge long discussion of everything wrong in her life and zero interest in mine. As my children came into the mix and my life changed she took no account of this.

I tried to make changes. Still see her but at a coffee place for example so time was naturally limited. She just complained she couldn't spend all day at mine anymore.

Thing is. She never ever did anything proactive to try improve her situation. She wouldn't see the doctor. Wouldn't change her job when that was going wrong. Wouldn't look at changing her house when she couldn't afford it. She just moaned constantly.

It petered out naturally. And I'm afraid I don't feel all that bad about it.

I just feel it would hurt her if I told her the truth. At least if I make out that I'm just really busy she won't take it personally.

It will hurt her a lot more if you ignore her.

7 emails is excessive.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we all had the guts to be honest with each other. Liberating really. I know it’s hard but what do you have to lose?

I just feel it would hurt her if I told her the truth. At least if I make out that I'm just really busy she won't take it personally

Thats infantilising her. Shes an adult, treat her properly. Its your fear here.

I actually think this is a no-win situation. If you tell her the truth, you’ll look like an awful friend who isn’t supportive towards someone who is depressed. If you gradually withdraw or cut her off, you’ll seem harsh. Like ‘Why is she suddenly distant when she was available before?’. Sometimes depression does make people quite....self-centred. You can’t pull yourself round to think about someone else. But it makes for one-way friendships and can be draining for friends. I would suggest her getting formal counselling. As I said above, I’ve pulled away from my friend (yes I’m know it’s harsh) because not only is she like this but she’s adamant she won’t get any help.

Christ! Let us know what her emails say when you open them.

I do feel that you can't win either way with this. Probably best you suggest she do something rather than moaning in a nice way.

I'm sure i had this with an ex-friend a while ago - I tend to be on the pessimistic side - yes I know. I'm sure friend tried to get me to look on the bright side but I just couldn't see it.

But it isn't good for her to offload her problems onto you every time and not treat you as a friend.

Agree with the pushback, asking complainers what they are going to do about it will often cause them to change the subject IME.

You could drop her a message saying 'I can see that you've messaged me but as I said, I've got X going on at the moment and won't be free until the weekend, speak to you again then' but this may well bring on a torrent of messages attempting to put the attention back on the complainer.

Long-term, you have to be brave enough to say that the messages make you feel uncomfortable and you don't have time to respond as often as she would like. As a pp has done, set a time once or twice a week to respond.

Yes I definitely feel like I can't win either way! I'm having to pick between her feelings and mine, which I don't think is fair.

This isn't an all of a sudden thing either, it's been going for about 4 years. I suggest possible solutions to her all the time but she won't even try. She used to go to counselling, but she stopped the appointments after a few weeks. There are support groups close by to her (they even have a telephone service) but she makes excuses not to use them.

It's hard to know a friend is feeling so down, but it's also extremely frustrating that she won't do anything to help herself.

I miss the friendship we used to have.

Last month a family member of mine had a serious health scare, we thought we were going to lose them. I think we spoke about it in 2 emails.
She know how upset and terrified I was, yet she's never asked how things have been since.

This is has so far been a very tough year for me, but I don't even tell her a lot of what's been going on anymore because she just doesn't seem to care if it's not about her.

Sorry for the rant, I suppose I'm feeling a bit resentful

Does she repeat herself by moaning about the same stuff?

Yes, always the same problems. I would say she has around 4-5 problems so she goes back and forth between them all. Again, never willing to do anything about them

Just sympathise don't offer solutions. It'll be easier to reply

I think you should make a suggestion to each problem (if you haven't done so already! Which I'm guessing you have!)

Then when she brings up said problem again just say well you know my opinion on that and then dismissive it and change the subject.

Try to not offer her solutions any more in your replies. I imagine that's the most draining part of it all. A couple of stock phrases to acknowledge her problems and then write whatever you want to if you want to.

As a previous poster said try stating that she already knows your opinion on whatever the problem of the hour is and move onto something else.

Please just be honest with her, I think it's clear from everything that you've said that she's really suffering enough.

Let her know that you cannot cope with it. What you have said here, that you find it so difficult to keep offering solutions that she refuses to take up (by the way, there's absolutely no reason she should).

Let her know that you are sad to see her suffering so much (if you are that is)