AIBU to block depressing friend

[LittleMermaidRose]

Only for a couple of days or so!

We live about 5 hours away from each other but are in contact through email every day.

Her constant negativity really brings me down. Every email is just her complaining, there is no actual conversation anymore. I basically get shut down if I try to talk about anything other than her problems.
Even if we somehow manage to change topics or shock talk about me for a change, she always finds a way to put a damper on anything I say and turns the focus back on to her.

Atm it seems like a very one sided friendship and it's making me feel resentful towards her. I want to be her friend, not her therapist.

I do feel terrible, we've been friends since childhood and I know she does suffer with anxiety and depression, but it's now starting to make me feel depressed too.

I dread opening up an email from her. If I don't reply, she'll send at least another 2 more.

WIBU just to block her for a couple of days? I'm dealing with some family issues atm (which I've told her about yet she's never asked how I'm doing) and I really don't need any more negativity right now.

Am I a terrible friend?
Any tips on how I can deal with this?
I don't want to lose our friendship.

I’m going through the same kind of issues myself. I have a friend who has had a very difficult period. I was ill a while ago and she was very supportive but recently she is just so negative, it’s draining. She rang me frequently and the conversation wasn’t always the same, moaning about work (we’re in the same field but no longer work together), rehashing something that happened years ago that she’s still bitter about and can’t move on from. I suggested counselling but it doesn’t work. I tried gradual withdrawal which helped in that she doesn’t ring so often now but I talked to her again recently and it was the same again! I said to DH I just can’t do it any more.

Therapists are trained to deal with this stuff and to help people move forward, sounds like your friend is stuck like mine....sadly although she’s been a good friend in the past, I have to conclude mine is detrimental to my MH and I have to withdraw for good now.

I sympathise op i have this but with my sister-so its twice as hard i cant cut her off she guineinly is draining though-doesnt ask anything abou me or what ive even been up to just goes on baout her problems and how crap her life is

Putting a positive spin on her problems is belittling in its effect. No wonder the dynamics are off. It's better to show that you understand what she is saying and feel some empathy for her situation.

This is really true. Also once you start doing this it can turn in to an unfortunate feedback loop. The complainer feels they haven't been understood, so they double down on the complaints to try to get a little sympathy/understanding. The listener then gets more annoyed, and starts putting an even more ridiculously upbeat spin on events.

Not that I'm letting your friend off the hook here, she is obviously overdoing the complaining and isn't being a good friend to you.

She sounds like the bad friend!

I detached myself from a friend like that. I was really fond of her but I couldn't deal with the constant negativity.
I tried hard but eventually threw the towel in and phased myself out of her life.

After you’ve had a break, I’d think about being honest with her

I moved off from one friend after we had an honest chat, during which she said to me that all she wanted to do in our time was drink and moan about being single.

Honesty lets everyone make a choice, I guess.

I feel like I'm her diary sometimes since she has time to keep writing all these emails, maybe she sees you as her only outlet. Why not suggest she starts a blog about her life journey suffering with depression? Not only would this give her something to do with her time, it could help others with depression.

I am often told I am very positive and not in a good way! I try to find life's silver linings and it doesn't work for others (works for me).

As others have said maybe empathy is needed.

But also, I agree with TixieLix "Send her one message to say you have some personal issues going on and you will be coming off SM and not responding to emails for a few days while you deal with things."

But, I would also, if you can bear it, watch this short video

and then try and apply it with your friend.

You've tried looking for the positive with her, suggesting things and it has not worked.

Maybe, she just wants you to know how she feels, and you can empathize with her, and then protect yourself, from her negativity. Which I feel you must do.

If you do not want to lose the friendship it does need to get onto a more equal footing. Not all one way, which it is at the moment.

Totally agree with others, you are not her therapist and cannot be.

Good luck with the issues you are facing,.

Your friend is not a child but remember the old thing about travelling with a child by plane and the plane has problems; put your oxygene mask on first. Look after yourself.

Friend "things seem awful and I am in pain"
You "hey there, it's really not so bad"
Friend " I'm really in pain so of course things are awful"
You "have you thought of x? Could really help you and would be easy to do"
Friend "I'm trying to tell you how much pain I am in. Something else bad happened too so no wonder I am in pain, can't you see why I would be? X isn't the solution and in any case I don't need solutions from you - I need you to hear and witness that I am in pain."

Friend thinks " I need to give even more examples to help you understand that I AM IN PAIN" and feels frustrated, dismissed and not listened to.

You think "I'm tired of listening to endless problems when my intelligent and caring solutions are dismissed or ignored, I have no power to help"

Perhaps do not offer any solutions, just say "I hear you friend, it sounds really hard". Solving problems just isn't the role of a friend unless you have been specifically tasked to do it.

Friend "yes, it is hard. (Feels relief at being understood) Thank you for being my friend, I feel better for talking to you."

Friend now feels more connected and calmer and more able to deal with own problems. Friend may even crack a joke, start to immediately find own problems less onerous, start to generate own solutions or return friendship by showing interest and concern for you.

I've been through this with a friend OP. I remember coming home mentally exhausted and drained after what was supposed to have been an evening out. I never got a chance to talk because I was only her sounding board. I don't mind listening but it was the same topics over and over - her work colleagues and her on/off boyfriend. Sometimes she'd ring me at 3am to tell me about something she had just ';thought of'. in the end I had to say to her that I couldn't cope with it. She hung up on me and never contacted me again. Turned out we weren't such great friends after all :).

I have another old friend who I started drifting away from a couple of years ago. Where once we contacted each other weekly, it can now be four to six weeks without a call. We never fell out but I feel quite judged by her and she sighs audibly on the phone. I always hang up with the feeling she has done me a favour by taking the call. I know she is often tired (we all are) but she never has a spark or energy about her and we never share a laugh anymore. After every phone call I feel like crap so each call is longer and longer apart. It is sad but it is for the best.

Another poster suggested you give her the Samaritans email address. I can't imagine how you would do this tbh and I can't imagine how I would feel if somebody suggested this to me.

Maybe just tell her you can only check your mails at the weekend and will get back to her then. Make your mails shorter and shorter and increase the time between replies. Phase the mails out gradually and instead see if you can arrange an evening out every few months. I know losing an old friend is sad but ideally you could phase out the mails and focus instead on meeting her every few months at a half way location.

Why don't you want to lose her?

I have a friend who went through five years of depression and writing to me every day on skype chat. It was really too much and I ended up having to tell her. That did affect our friendship but at least we still are friends and she's bucked up since then.

You need to tell her OP

Let her know you are feeling overwhelmed atm because of your own situation.

That its making you feel like youre a bad friend because despite all offers of help and suggestions they're all batted back/ignored and you dont know how to help, or even if she hears it as help, that you're not coping well now tuat you habe your own very serious stuff going on and need to turn to supportive close relationships for help for yourself?

This friend really does need to find their own support mainstay, its too much to ask of a friend, yes be supportive and talk,but it sounds like its all directed at you and you're not best placed to help her resolve and improve her depression. She needs to see her gp

Does every single person in the UK suffer from "anxiety" now? Wasn't aware of this epidemic until I started posting on here.

btdt had to walk away after decades. still sad but had to

an interesting read.

thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2018/03/7-ways-emotional-vampires-drain-empaths-and-highly-sensitive-people/

((((((((Madd Hugs))) OP @LittleMermaidRose

Agree with Batqueen and Snog here.

‘That must be really tough, what are you planning to do about it?’

And 'I hear you, that sounds really sad/bad/grim...'

Try that for a while and if she doesn't seem to be improving then tell her you feel exhausted and need some space.

No more solutions and looking on the bright side.

Suggest they do journalling? It sounds exhausting OP

I tend to be very empathetic and validating to people because I grew up in a volatile home where my own feelings were considered 'bad'. However, if you are constantly complaining about your problems and life in general eventually I will try and get you to see the positives. There is nothing wrong with venting now and then but if that's all you are doing it's not healthy for you or the people around you.

Wow. I'd have cut her loose a long time ago.

Friendship is meant to enhance your life, not drag you down. Set her free, OP. I guarantee she'll find some other poor sap to soak up all the misery.

Hmm I’m definitely moving away from my friend. After a long chat with the usual conversation recently, especially with her asking my advice about moving jobs, she’s texted me today saying no she’s not moving, she’s staying where she is! She never takes my advice despite asking for it whenever we talk.

I get the idea that some people just want acknowledgement of their issues but honestly OP, I suspect your friend really just wants to moan every time. Some people don’t actually want any help but they just drag you down with them.

Your her friend not her therapist. Your not responsible for her feelings nor do you need validate them. I wouldn't ghost her, but tell her things are one sided. You don't get any joy from her correspondence because of this. You'd like to continue the friendship but can't see how this can happen with the way things currently are

Either be honest or ghost her if you cba with the fallout. She isn’t a friend, she’s treating you like an unpaid therapist. I had a friend like this once and I told them to see a therapist then stopped talking to them.

Friendship is meant to enhance your life, not drag you down

Well no, friends are real people who don't just exist to make things better for you!!

There are a lot of real good people who suffer with depression and/or anxiety/other illnesses, physical and otherwise.

However, OP, you either need to find a way to manage it so you dont also suffer, which would possibly include being honest with her about in what ways it makes you struggle, and try to move forward with that or if not, well you both know the outcome

Have your your own resilience and fight for it.

Great post #snog

YANBU.
If you wish to continue the friendship my advice would be to set a specific time that you read and answer her messages each week. And in between those times do not open or read or respond to any messages from her no matter how dramatic.
I had a friend I had to do this with as she suffers with BPD. She was messaging me so much and it was so draining and intense and miserable. I did feel sorry for her and want to help but it was having a big impact on me and eventually making me quite depressed! Just a constant stream of negativity.
So I decided to just set aside some specific time for her once a week and set that in stone.
She reacted a bit dramatically at first saying 'have I done something wrong?' Etc but I kept to it and did not respond or rise to explaining, apart from the time I had set for her and said there was nothing wrong I had just been busy.
It's best not to tell her you are doing this as that will look like it's a discussion and will feed into the drama and she very likely would take it very personally and become more miserable.... so just do it dont explain it.
It worked with my friend and we still have a good friendship because she got used to the way I was responding and eventually just spoke to me at that time. I felt like I had much more energy to then give her and was better at listening because I wasnt constantly bombarded.
Just set firm boundaries with yourself about responding and dont get drawn in to breaking them.