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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do not go to a friends wedding.

43 replies

Shootingstar1115 · 02/07/2019 15:59

Please don’t judge me here. I have severe social anxiety which means I struggle with everything including simple things like going to the shop and opening the door to the postman.

My oldest and longest friend is getting married very soon. We don’t live near to each other anymore. We both live in new areas and have our newer friends, we don’t see each other often but email quite a lot

She’s getting married, I will have to attend alone as Oh will be home with the children making it worse. I really rely on Oh for support. It would have been nice if DC were invited as we could have all went which would of eased my anxiety but that’s her choice who she invites ofc.

At the wedding there will be a mix of her family whom I know, the grooms family and I know some of them too, her newer friends who I don’t really know and some old friends that tbh make my anxiety worse.

They will be all getting drunk. I don’t like being around drunk people, I am t-total.

There is a strong possibility my ex (DS’s dad) will be there as he’s related to the groom and that’s stressing me out. If he remains sober it will be okay but if he drinks he will proably make my life hell... he can’t handle his drink.

One of her newer friends coincidently has history with my partner of 7 years. She barely spoke to me and quite frankly rude to me (despite me trying to make pleasant conversation) at the hen do. It was over 20 years ago and they were school kids, so thought she’d be over it by now.

Would you be offended if you were getting married and your oldest friend (who you’ve actually met in person with twice in about 3 years) didn’t attend?

It’s not like I’ll be missed, she has plenty of others there and I’ll just be a spare part anyway.

She is aware I suffer terribly from social anxiety.

OP posts:

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/07/2019 16:02

Is there an option of getting a babysitter and your OH coming with you?

Did she attend your wedding, baby showers etc?- if so I think its slightly poor that you wouldnt attend hers.

Original poster

Shootingstar1115 · 02/07/2019 16:03

Getting a babysitter is hard. Both children have additional needs and needs one of us around at least.

I’m not married (I’m not sure I could deal with my own wedding tbh). Nor did I have baby shower 😭

OP posts:

ItsalwaysLTB · 02/07/2019 16:03

YANBU. Sounds awful even without the social anxiety. Tell her you can't get anyone to look after the kids and don't go into anymore detail. If she really wants you there she'll lift the rule but if she doesn't then no need to feel guilty. That's the risk you take with child free weddings.

Queenoftheashes · 02/07/2019 16:11

I find it hilarious that the OP detailed social anxiety so bad she struggles to open the door to the postman and the first poster assumes she’s indulging in centre of attention activities such as weddings and baby showers for herself 😂

It sounds like it will be a hellish social scenario for anyone. Don’t go. I’d probably spend six months fretting over an excuse at this point but presumably you can just say your OH is away that week and you can’t get a sitter.

MauritiusNext · 02/07/2019 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BlueMerchant · 02/07/2019 16:13

You don't want to go.
I'd weigh up whether the guilt you'd put on yourself of not going would be worse than actually attending and take it from there.
Could you go to the ceremony only?

TeenTimesTwo · 02/07/2019 16:13

if it's less than say 3 hours away, could you consider going to the wedding, which is the important bit, and then not staying for the reception?
You would have made the effort, but avoid the socialising, drunk stuff?

AyBeeCee10 · 02/07/2019 16:16

Yanbu to feel this way but does your friend know this? Is there an option for them to come to a nearby place so that you can stay for the important bit and then leave once it gets into party mode? I think as your longest and oldest friend you should go. But only you know if you could handle this.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/07/2019 16:16

Queenoftheashes she may not have always had anxiety- she was 'un-anxious' enough at one point in her life to make friends and date clearly!

Chartreuser · 02/07/2019 16:18

I think you should go but not for the whole evening. Could you do the ceremony and then leave? That way you will be gone before people get drink, and won't have to talk to people much but will have shown willing. How practicable would it be for DH and DCs to be nearby?

Chartreuser · 02/07/2019 16:20

Btw I also suffer from anxiety so understand, but equally think total avoidance doesn't help it at all.

Queenoftheashes · 02/07/2019 16:23

Forging relationships takes time it’s not the same thing, JFC
Baby showers are probably some of the most horrific ordeals I’ve ever experienced in terms of social situations

Original poster

Shootingstar1115 · 02/07/2019 16:23

Thanks all. I am thinking of just going to the ceremony, meal/speeches/cake and make a swift exit before the drinking part. I would have to drive home anyway and I don’t like being out late.

I have always had anxiety from a very young age but The social anxiety aspect part has got worse as I’ve got older. 😭

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/07/2019 16:24

I would do the service and meal afterwards. Then come home before the evening part. Would a shorter day make it easier to get childcare for the kids?

Rafflesway · 02/07/2019 16:24

Gosh no! I suffer relatively mild social anxiety but I couldn't
attend a wedding by myself.

I know it sounds stupid but I would want to curl up and disappear and I have no trouble at all opening the door to strangers.

Your friend knows you have children but has decided her wedding is child free. In the circumstances I would have no problem being totally honest in saying that attending alone would just prove too difficult. If she really is a friend then surely she knows of your anxiety in such situations and would understand. If she takes the huff well what do you lose? You have only seen her twice in 3 years so the friendship is probably on the wane anyway to be brutally frank.

Teen makes a good suggestion with regards to just attending the service important bit.

WorraLiberty · 02/07/2019 16:27

Did I read it right that you've already been to the hen do OP?

If so, when is the wedding?

Rafflesway · 02/07/2019 16:27

Sorry, x posted with your update.

Cheeseandwin5 · 02/07/2019 16:28

there are two factors here,
On one side there is your social Anxiety- I have to say I dont know much about this and I cant really comment, suffice to say if you really feel you will suffer than dont go.
The other reason would be meeting people you would rather not. There seems to be a few people going that have caused you stresses over the years. They may have changed and they mey have not. The question is whether you want them to be the reason why you don't go out and enjoy yourself at the wedding.
If the latter is of more substance , I was wondering if your Oh cant make it, whether there was someone else you could take as your plus one. Someone who will support and who you feel comfortable.
If you feel that things are getting on top of you just say you have to leave early.
Alternatviely you could forgo the wedding and maybe meet your friend at another time over a nice meal and celebrate her weeding in a less stressful manner

Nofunkingworriesmate · 02/07/2019 16:29

Be brave and go you will feel proud of yourself, go straight after meal, make sure you speak to bride and wedging party, have conversation planned open questions ready e.g love your hair did it take long?

Wormentrude · 02/07/2019 16:33

Could you slip into the back of the ceremony, and then slip out again before the bride and groom exit?

If so, I would go, but only to the ceremony. If there was no scope for a quick, quiet exit, then no, I wouldn't go. I'd send my apologies, a child-related excuse and a really nice present.

TremblingFanjo · 02/07/2019 16:34

I am thinking of just going to the ceremony, meal/speeches/cake and make a swift exit before the drinking part. This sounds like a great compromise. If you are having a good time, you can stay for a little longer (and you won't have wasted the meal) If the meal time chatter becomes too much, just pop off to the loo with all your stuff and do a runner before the speeches - the bride won't notice.

BossAssBitch · 02/07/2019 16:46

One of my friends didn't come to my wedding due to social anxiety, I completely understood. Be honest with her, explain you won't attend as you will simply be too uncomfortable. Who wants someone at their wedding who doesn't want to be there. Get her a nice present and card and if she is a good friend, she will understand.

barefootluxury · 02/07/2019 16:58

Op you have two choices, either just attend the ceremony and leave afterwards, or don't go.

I don't have anxiety and would not want to go to this wedding!!

Be completely honest with your friend, she will understand, she has known you for a long time. Send a lovely present, and maybe ask one of the wedding parties to read something out from you during the speeches at the reception.

OralBElectricToothbrush · 02/07/2019 17:01

I wouldn't be offended if you were my friend and didn't come. I'd understand.

nrpmum · 02/07/2019 17:03

If you are able to make the compromise you have suggested I think it's fantastic. If you were my friend and unable to make it because of your anxiety I'd completely understand.

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