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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to tactfully get out of going to a hen night strip show

50 replies

BigfanofCheese · 02/07/2019 07:54

Hi all,

I am invited to a dear friend's wedding and hen night in another country in a few weeks time. I will be a bridesmaid and staying with the b&g (not as annoying as it sounds, I'm only there a few nights, we only get to see each other once a year due to the distance, groom will be elsewhere the night before and they will be in a hotel for the wedding night so I can cat sit).

Another of her friends is organising the hen night and wants to include a Chippendales type strip show. I really don't want to go to this for 2 reasons:

a) I would not be happy with a potential partner having visited a strip show, not saying it would be a deal breaker necessarily but I would not be impressed

b) I don't agree with it due to the trafficking and exploitation that happens to female strippers (fully aware this does not apply to all strippers and is less of a risk to men but I see it as part of an industry I want to buy into).

I don't think the bride is aware of this plan, the hen night itinerary is a surprise.

In short, how would you tactfully duck out of this part of the evening? I don't want to appear to be foisting my opinions on everyone else (especially as I haven't met most of the other hens) as they are fully entitled to their own.

A couple of problems are that I don't know the city and it's somewhere I would stand out so I don't think my friend would be comfortable me finding a bar to sit in on my own at night (although I would be happy with this). Also, as I'm staying with the bride, it isn't as simple as just staying at home.

At a push, i could mention to the organisers that I have a health condition that in some people is affected by flashing lights (true). However, I'm worried that if I do, everyone will change their plans and I really don't want to be awkward and make this a "thing"!!

Any suggestions?

Thanks

OP posts:
Ounce · 02/07/2019 07:57

Why don't you tackle the problem at source by contacting the friend who's organising it and saying, 'Chippendales? Are you out of your fucking mind?'

That's what I'd do.

Redken24 · 02/07/2019 07:57

Mention the health condition and say friend would still love it so don't dare change plans. You will meet after so no fuss.

TheJellyBabyMadeMeDoIt · 02/07/2019 07:58

Tell the truth. You don't like it, don't want to participate in it so for the 20 minutes it's on you'll entertain yourself. Even if it's an hour long show I'm sure you could sit outside or go to the next bar along.

I loathe strip shows. That's what I'd do.

ShatnersWig · 02/07/2019 07:59

Just say no Zammo.

Have the courage of your convictions, say it's not your thing. Your happy to sit in a bar, so go do it at that point. Arrange to meet back at the bride's later. Or, ask the bride for a spare key so you can let yourself in while the others watch their tawdry strip show.

BeanBag7 · 02/07/2019 08:02

I would probably say I don't fancy going to a strip show and that you'll meet them afterwards. If they make a fuss / push it then I would tell them exactly why (exploitation, infidelity etc.) I think that's reasonable and you aren't stopping any of them from going.

Also if there are others feeling uncomfortable about it, you can give them an out as well

fecketyfeck21 · 02/07/2019 08:02

i'd be honest and make a joke of it, 'i know you're going to think i'm boring, but strippers aren't my thing so i won't be going, but thanks for the invite ,' i'd have the time at time at home while they were going to the show and maybe meet up afterwards. strippers aren't my cup of tea either and i bet there is at least one other person in your group having the jitters about it too.

Medievalist · 02/07/2019 08:03

Why don't you tackle the problem at source by contacting the friend who's organising it and saying, 'Chippendales? Are you out of your fucking mind?

^^ This

Biancadelrioisback · 02/07/2019 08:03

Just get in touch with the main organiser and say that you don't feel comfortable going to watch strippers, you're happy to go along with the rest of the plans but just not this bit. You don't need to get preachy or start listing reasons, just keep it very simple.

AllFourOfThem · 02/07/2019 08:05

Just politely say exactly what you don’t want to be involved in and why. There is no need to be evasive or worry about offending the organiser about this.

Dollywilde · 02/07/2019 08:07

I’ve done this. Literally just said ‘ah - not my kind of thing, I’ll go for a glass of wine while you’re at it, text me when you’re done.’ Went and say in the bar next door and sat on my phone for an hour, then we went onto a club. It was fine Smile

Merryoldgoat · 02/07/2019 08:07

ounce is my kindred spirit.

I had an amazing hen party with zero nudity and it cost £40 per person including masses of booze and food.

My DH has been to several stag nights where there were visits to strip clubs. He’s just not gone and not cared what anyone thought.

I would contact the organiser and say ‘I’m not going to a strip show - have fun, it sounds hideous.’

EskewedBeef · 02/07/2019 08:08

I'd tell them that it's not my sort of thing and that I'll happily sit it out and meet up with them afterwards. Wherever these strippers are performing is bound to have a bar or similar area away from the show.

Roomette · 02/07/2019 08:16

God, what Ounce and others said.

I think the chances are vanishingly small that there will be a trafficked man in a Chippendales- type troupe, as they have nothing to do with the sex industry, but I would gouge my own eyes out with a teaspoon before I would attend one of their shows. And I wouldn’t worry overly about being tactful.

ConfCall · 02/07/2019 08:26

You won’t be the only one who’s uncomfortable with it OP. I hope the bride isn’t too embarrassed about having to attend, most women I know would’ve hated that on their hens.

ssd · 02/07/2019 08:28

I think saying 'fuck no' is tactful enough for a sleezy night like this.
Imagine if it was men going to a strip show, everyone would be up in arms.

EdinaMonsoon · 02/07/2019 08:31

A simple “thanks but really not interested in strippers. Happy to join in with the rest of your plans” will suffice. I can’t stand the obsession with strippers on hen/stag do’s either OP. I have been on several hen do’s - none of which included naked men, willy straws/inflatable versions thereof, or naff bridal veils/sashes/group t shirts. It’s entirely possible to have a total blast & not watch some pumped up, oiled up 🤢 bloke prance around in his scanties!

StillCoughingandLaughing · 02/07/2019 08:34

Is it at the end of the night? Couldn’t you just feign a headache, ask your friend for the key and go home?

Ftumch · 02/07/2019 08:36

Just a "No thanks, that's grim" would be my response.

Piffle11 · 02/07/2019 08:39

Is this a case of the organiser wanting to see the Chippendales, so she's making everyone else go? I bet some of the other hens won't want to go, either. It would be my idea of hell, but fortunately none of my friends would ever suggest it. I think you should be honest: say 'no fucking way'.

CaptainMyCaptain · 02/07/2019 08:41

I wouldn't bother being tactful I'd just tell them I didn't want to go to a strip show.

Halloumimuffin · 02/07/2019 08:47

Unless you know for certain that the hen would enjoy this I would strongly discourage it. I went to one of these sorts and saw a hen do where the poor girl was then dragged on stage by the strippers and they were 'jokingly' putting her hands on them and then she was quite aggressively humped in front of the whole crowd. She ran out crying. Apparently it's a fairly common part of that sort of show.

Original poster
BigfanofCheese · 02/07/2019 08:51

Thanks so much everyone, feel a lot less awkward now about wanting to say 'no'.

Ounce that is my first thought but I haven't actually met the organiser (sorry, should've made this clearer) so think it best if I'm a bit more diplomatic!

Merryoldgoat while the other plans for the night sound fabulous, I have to admit I wish it was going to be a bit more like your hen night in terms if scale and budget. Obv I want my friend to have a great time but I'm sure hen nights never used to be this extravagant!

I think I will just email back and say a breezy 'no thanks' a la DollyWilde maybe asking them to drop me at a bar first as I think the bride will prefer this (if there isnt one in the venue).

If there's any pushback, I might use my health condition as an excuse so as not to seem as though I am lecturing but insist they go ahead.

In all honesty I don't think my friend will love this either but she's capable of politely saying 'no' herself if need be and goes back even further with the organiser than she and I do so I'm not going to interfere.

OP posts:
silverystream · 02/07/2019 08:51

I remember these type of shows getting popular with women when I was doing A-Levels. My friends organised a night out at one and wanted me to go with them. I said no. I remember saying, 'Why would I pay for that!' They went and from all accounts it was excruciatingly embarrassing. I never regretted my decision even though they called me a prude. But they knew I really wasn't.

Original poster
BigfanofCheese · 02/07/2019 08:55

That sounds awful, Halloumi. I would be mortified if it was my hen night and that happened. I am going on the assumption that the bride and the organiser have discussed this and thought it would be a laugh, kind of ironic. I really don't think it would be something she would be interested in otherwise.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 02/07/2019 09:08

I hope the OPs groom finds out and comes on MN to write a thread that goes like this:

"My fiance went to a strip show and I'm not happy about it. She said she didn't really like it either but went along with it as she didn't want to lose face in front of her friends who had organised it. She doesn't see it as a big deal. AIBU?"

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