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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to handle this

33 replies

Lovingthesunshine88 · 02/07/2019 07:48

So about 13 years ago i befriended a young man i worked with. He has some learning difficulties and our boss treated him like dirt. This lad had a keen interest in horses so i paid him for looking after mine. I didn't need the help but after learning he has such a rotten family life (very controlling parents) i thought it would be a bit of an escape for him.

His DM is known locally as not a very nice lady she used to take his wages off him every week bar about £10 he was allowed to keep to buy coke & tomato ketchup because they were luxuries she refused to buy.

Me and DH used to spend alot of time with him treating him to meals out we brought him new trainers as his were hanging off his feet everything was good.

About 6 years ago unfortunately he got hit by a car and spent 6 weeks in a coma i was there everyday and also helped support his DM as she struggled to understand what the doctors were telling her. The day after the accident she just spent the day claiming all these different benefits which was a bit shocking as her son was critically ill. She is know for benefit fraud.

Thankfully he did pull through started his rehabilitation and eventually was allowed home but she put a stop to his recovery in a sense she wouldn't let him get over his injuries because of the money (his words not mine) after a few assessments over the years he's been told to return to work ect

He started coming round to visit again but would have really nasty violent outbursts for no reason even trying to physically attack my DH infront of DS's we both have taken into account his heas injury of course but now if he wants to meet and i can't due to work or caring for FIL with dementia and i say no he flips. He spies on my Instagram so if i put a picture on of me with a friend which i did Saturday i got a barrage of abuse off him. He tries to emotionally blackmail me and although I've always been there for this lad (man now older than me 34) and want to continue supporting him I'm finding it very difficult. There is no warning when he'll flip he just does and DS's are scared of him which i have explained and said I'll still happily meet him but away from my home but he'll still turn up like if i say sorry busy tonight boys have football he'll turn up to check I'm not lying to him. DH has had enough and said i need to sort it but i don't know how to. I am his only friend but he's making in increasingly hard for it to continue when i do tell him i either get abuse or he tries to put me on a guilt trip. About a year after his accident he was allowed a PA every single one quit within days because he's just vile to people that's why he has no other friends he gets sacked from every job he has for verbally attacking people (even customers) he has turned up at my work going mad because I'd cancelled seeing him due to FIL being unwell. I'm exhausted most of the time with work caring for FIL running 2 boys here there and everywhere and he just adds so much pressure. I do see him 3 times a week but he wants 6 i can't do it but he's making my life hell my phone will start most mornings around 4.30am it's him suppose your going to cancel today i never see you anymore and before I've even woken up it's making me anxious.

What would you do?

OP posts:

AltasCloud · 02/07/2019 07:52

I'm afraid the angry outbursts and risk of violence would have me running a mile, even if I did appreciate he was still recovering from a head injury.

You can't put yourself in danger and your family is the priority.

googlegoals · 02/07/2019 07:53

He's a danger to your children. Block him on all platforms, inform the police so they can go round and have a word - tell him not to contact you.

You can't help him, and it's not your responsibility.

Finfintytint · 02/07/2019 07:56

You've been very kind to him but now it's time to put yourself and your family first.

Headway might be able to advise you.

Original poster

Lovingthesunshine88 · 02/07/2019 07:57

I have tried explaining to him and breaking it down into what i have to do in a day and sonetimes my day just doesn't go to plan DS's could be ill or FIL having a bad day but he just won't accept it i have tried to cut contact once because i just had enough of his abuse and he told me he'd kill himself.

I have been friends with the same group since primary school we see each other once a week but it scares me he'll find out because he goes mad and spends alot of time abusing my friends on Facebook if they put a picture on with me (I'm not on Facebook) accusing them of stealing his only friend and all sorts he'll then start texting me abuse. It's draining the life out of me and causing arguments at home

OP posts:

DoneLikeAKipper · 02/07/2019 07:59

I've always been there for this lad (man now older than me 34)

I’m a bit confused by this part - now older than you? Did he not used to be?

Regardless, as sad as it is I think you’re best cutting ties.

Original poster

Lovingthesunshine88 · 02/07/2019 08:00

@Finfintytint he was going to headway but got banned from attacking another patient and member of staff. I did go with him a few times to get a better understanding of his new needs and was basically told by one lady he plays on his injury to abuse people.

His DF committed suicide almost 2 years ago and the 2nd anniversary is coming up so he's worse than ever at the minute

OP posts:

Original poster

Lovingthesunshine88 · 02/07/2019 08:01

@DoneLikeAKipper 😂 see what you mean there i meant he's now 34 he's older than me and always has been

OP posts:

pictish · 02/07/2019 08:02

Yes as painful thought it will be to reject this vulnerable soul you have befriended, you must understand that the circumstances of your friendship have changed and he now poses a threat. I would recommend you seek some advice from the police regarding his harassment and stalking and how extricate yourself from him safely.

I don’t imagine the relationship will survive and you need to mentally prepare yourself for that. You did a kind, compassionate thing in taking him under your wing but he needs to stay away now.

It is a dreadful shame when these things go sour.

MyOpinionIsValid · 02/07/2019 08:03

Call the police. Just becasue he has a learnign disability does not place him above the law. he will be known to mental health and assocaited services. His behaviour is escalating and it is threatening .

DoneLikeAKipper · 02/07/2019 08:04

@Lovingthesunshine88 are you much younger than him? Sounds like he’s been used to you caring for him and obviously now thinks he has a monopoly on your time.

Frouby · 02/07/2019 08:05

The last thing I would do for this man is make a referral to adult SS stating everything you have said here.

Then I would call the police and tell them. Send him a message saying you can no longer see him every week and block him on all platforms. If you don't feel you can do that, then tell him you will see him once a month as you find his behaviour impossible to have around your family and friends, and that this is his last chance to retain your friendship.

You can't rescue him. He needs his own, more appropriate friends with people in similar circumstances to him (single, childfree) and while he is obsessed with you, this won't happen.

You have been very kind but now it's time to be cruel to be kind.

Original poster

Lovingthesunshine88 · 02/07/2019 08:06

@pictish it is painful very painful I've always just wanted to show him kindness he's never had he hasn't had an easily life but I'm at breaking point. Because of 1 picture from a party i attended Saturday I've had 36 hours of abuse.

I will definitely seek advice thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

Lovingthesunshine88 · 02/07/2019 08:08

@DoneLikeAKipper I'm almost 4 years younger but he's never mentally been his age even before his accident.

OP posts:

Twisique · 02/07/2019 08:09

I would talk to the police about how to handle it. You will need to anyway when he escalates.

Original poster

Lovingthesunshine88 · 02/07/2019 08:12

@Frouby brilliant advice thank you. I do think limiting contact to once a month would be better because it seems the more i give the more he expects/demands. I have kept all the messages off him so i think the police will understand what I'm saying I'm just scared getting the police involved will push him over the edge, suicide which he always threatens when he can't get his own way or he'll flip out on me.

OP posts:

SallyWD · 02/07/2019 08:12

You've been a wonderful support to him over the years. I can't believe how much you've done for him. It's desperately sad how he's changed and probably not his fault. However it's not your fault either and you need to put your safety first. I'd cut all contact in this situation. I don't know how you can stop him contacting you. It's very worrying.

3luckystars · 02/07/2019 08:13

You have your own family to look after, they come first.
You have to cut him off as there is no middle ground, he is not grasping the word no.

This is causing stress that is affecting you and your family. Stop now.

Original poster

Lovingthesunshine88 · 02/07/2019 08:21

@SallyWD thank you. I know i need to cut contact it's just very difficult I'm scared if I'm honest he's become so unpredictable. It is extremely sad how much he's changed he honestly used to be so placid and lovely i suppose I've hung around hoping one day that he'll come back but it's clear that's not happening

@3luckystars absolutely my family come first and always will. DS's used to get on with him great and can't understand why he's not nice anymore

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Mummabear12345567889 · 02/07/2019 08:30

Hi OP, does he have a social worker allocated to him. Even if he doesn't I would still contact your local team for advice.

I just wanted to say that you've been so kind and obviously an enormous part of your life. Sometimes relationships have to end in life.

Do you engage with him when he starts to abuse you?

pictish · 02/07/2019 08:48

I have sent you a wee pm.

Original poster

Lovingthesunshine88 · 02/07/2019 08:50

@mummabear12345567889 he does have a social worker but rarely sees the same one twice.

I don't communicate with him when he's sending abuse i don't even open the messages on my WhatsApp and i think this infuriates him even more. I have responded before but it got me nowhere so i just ignore them now. He will send the same messages through Instagram & normal text also so I'm getting them 3 ways. I have removed him off my Instagram after Saturday's outburst but have a request off him around every 20 minutes. He'll delete the request then resend it so i get a notification come through.

Thank you for your kind words

OP posts:

Original poster

Lovingthesunshine88 · 02/07/2019 08:57

Just to add he has been in trouble with the police before for harassment.

We live in a small village and he'd found out who the man was that knocked him over and took to standing outside the mans house telling him on a daily basis the man had ruined his life.

The man has been nothing but lovely and wanted to do all he could to help and the accident was no fault of his own. My friend got off a bus walked infront of the bus straight infront of the mans car the poor bloke couldn't do anything about it.

Since the police got involved my friend has stopped going to the mans house but has so much anger towards him i have told him he's completely unreasonable and it was not the man's fault in anyway shape or form

OP posts:

Throckmorton · 02/07/2019 09:11

Police, and block him on all social media so he can't send you requests. Ask your friends to block him too as then he can't see their pictures of you. You've been very nice, but this man is now dangerous and a threat to your family and friends

sneakypinky · 02/07/2019 09:11

Considering it's turned into stalking I would block him and contact the police.

Any further violent or aggressive behaviour and I would look into a restraining order.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 02/07/2019 09:21

You've done what you can and more than most people would but I agree with pp that you now need to be cruel to be kind - you're not qualified to give him the help he needs and he's obsession with you is clouding him. Because of that, you can't be the one to help him.
I would also mention everything to the police, I believe they can put an alert on your address/ phone number so if you call 999 it flags up in case he goes next level when you 'break up with him' in his eyes.

Please don't let the threat of suicide keep you with him - its emotional blackmail and abuse and if he followed through with his threat would not be your fault in any way shape or form. You can't save him, no singular person can unfortunately - he needs to want to get help and why would he at present when you're very kindly doing everything for him.

Good luck

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