How to handle this

[Lovingthesunshine88]

So about 13 years ago i befriended a young man i worked with. He has some learning difficulties and our boss treated him like dirt. This lad had a keen interest in horses so i paid him for looking after mine. I didn't need the help but after learning he has such a rotten family life (very controlling parents) i thought it would be a bit of an escape for him.

His DM is known locally as not a very nice lady she used to take his wages off him every week bar about £10 he was allowed to keep to buy coke & tomato ketchup because they were luxuries she refused to buy.

Me and DH used to spend alot of time with him treating him to meals out we brought him new trainers as his were hanging off his feet everything was good.

About 6 years ago unfortunately he got hit by a car and spent 6 weeks in a coma i was there everyday and also helped support his DM as she struggled to understand what the doctors were telling her. The day after the accident she just spent the day claiming all these different benefits which was a bit shocking as her son was critically ill. She is know for benefit fraud.

Thankfully he did pull through started his rehabilitation and eventually was allowed home but she put a stop to his recovery in a sense she wouldn't let him get over his injuries because of the money (his words not mine) after a few assessments over the years he's been told to return to work ect

He started coming round to visit again but would have really nasty violent outbursts for no reason even trying to physically attack my DH infront of DS's we both have taken into account his heas injury of course but now if he wants to meet and i can't due to work or caring for FIL with dementia and i say no he flips. He spies on my Instagram so if i put a picture on of me with a friend which i did Saturday i got a barrage of abuse off him. He tries to emotionally blackmail me and although I've always been there for this lad (man now older than me 34) and want to continue supporting him I'm finding it very difficult. There is no warning when he'll flip he just does and DS's are scared of him which i have explained and said I'll still happily meet him but away from my home but he'll still turn up like if i say sorry busy tonight boys have football he'll turn up to check I'm not lying to him. DH has had enough and said i need to sort it but i don't know how to. I am his only friend but he's making in increasingly hard for it to continue when i do tell him i either get abuse or he tries to put me on a guilt trip. About a year after his accident he was allowed a PA every single one quit within days because he's just vile to people that's why he has no other friends he gets sacked from every job he has for verbally attacking people (even customers) he has turned up at my work going mad because I'd cancelled seeing him due to FIL being unwell. I'm exhausted most of the time with work caring for FIL running 2 boys here there and everywhere and he just adds so much pressure. I do see him 3 times a week but he wants 6 i can't do it but he's making my life hell my phone will start most mornings around 4.30am it's him suppose your going to cancel today i never see you anymore and before I've even woken up it's making me anxious.

What would you do?

Please contact the police and ask for advice. He sounds like he knows what he is doing as he stopped harassing the man when told to stop by the police Without meaning to cause you alarm I would tell your children's school so that they can be extra vigilant.
You need to walk away

It sounds as though this man over time has become very fixated on you and you alone. I expect he believes himself to be in love. I do take into account his accident but it looks as though he’s become to an extent quite pathologically jealous of your family. He is abusing you constantly and more often to get your attention, your time and to pull you into his world away from yours; eg demanding you spend much more time with him, verbally attacking you for going out and invading your space demanding of you. His boundaries are poor and from what you say, he clearly has not just learning difficulties but a damaged childhood. You absolutely must boundary him and decide on what you want from this bond you have. If you see him as a friend, a man to help and support that’s fine but I think his behaviour shows he believes you may feel more deeply for him and he wants your affection and love desperately. Men who are highly damaged and vulnerable do need a great deal of attention- like 100 percent. You can always get a restraining order if necessary. I am a forensic carer and friend to a patient in a long term secure psychiatric hospital who exhibits behaviour not dissimilar to this man’s towards me. I am concerned that this could escalate. My advice would be to get social services involved as much as possible, talk to a charity such as MIND about your concerns/options and decide firmly with your DH what you want to do about this situation and act on it. Pathological, obsessional fixation on one woman by a vulnerable, needy and lonely man can become dangerous and your family could be at risk if this carries on. He wants you and only you by the sounds of things - you’re his escape route from his difficult mother and unhappy life. He probably sees you as the ‘light’ and he won’t be able to make new friends or move on if his affection lies only with you. My advice would be to barrier and boundary him very firmly ( which will be difficult) and call your emergency mental health services team/ police if the situation becomes more extreme. It seems he’s an ‘all or nothing’ person who can’t just be friends so if you do end the friendship then be very careful indeed and make sure you have emergency services notified. He is 34 now and not a ‘lad’ anymore, plus his bad accident has possibly changed him. A damaged child with learning difficulties in a man’s body is a recipe for trouble. Get as much support as you can. Decide what you want from this connection to him and stick with it as it sounds from what you’re saying that you been far too lose with your boundaries. Good luck x

You need to cut contact and involve the police. I don’t understand anyone who is willing to put their children at risk. The situation that you’re in puts, you, your children, your family and your friends at risk of being attacked. The only person who can resolve the situation is you so you need to get your shit together and do what you need to do to protect yourself and your loved ones.

He is blackmailing you with threats of suicide. Even if he did kill himself, that would be his decision and not your fault. You cannot continue to see him, that much is evident. He is abusive, controlling and needs professional help that you cannot provide. Walk away, change your number if necessary. Chain lock your door and if he calls do not answer. And most importantly, let the police and any care team he has, know that he has threatened suicide. Bottom line now is that you need to put yourself and your family first and cut all ties with this man.

Cant help but ask...why are you caring for your fil? Is that not your husbands responsibility? Sounds like a lot of pressure on you. I only ask as my dsil also took on responsibility for our in Law's, and I struggled to understand why. It would be like my dh caring for my parents.

@RupertBear15 wow that's eye opening. Very good advice & thank you.

He has never shown any romantic tendencies towards me and if he had of I'd probably of ran a mile back then. Before his accident he just seemed to be intrigued by how my life was he did used to come out with me and my friends and i never wanted to leave him out and everyone got on ok. I think he just really like having a bit of a life and going out as before he did nothing

He was very supportive and happy for me when i met DH. He did used to like spending alot of time with us which neither of us minded because he was very nice and laid back but did often get upset about his childhood and he'd easily get upset if we were busy or spending time together. Also pre accident if he messaged me and i didn't reply within 15 minutes I'd get a barrage of messages asking if we're still friends and has he done anything to upset me he couldn't grasp i was just busy that's why i had not replied.

Since his accident it's his temper and his demands that are hard to deal with and the abuse. I hate to say it but i no longer enjoy his company he's just angry all the time with someone he's constantly feeling sorry for himself as is like a broken record talking about his accident i find him very depressing to be around.

I will definitely be seeking some advice of best way to cut contact or at least minimize it to limited contact because i just can't cope with him anymore

Thank you for your advice x

@TabbyMumz FIL was taken ill with dementia at 54 so very young and i just took on the job of looking after him which i mostly enjoy although as with everything it can get stressful at times but he's mainly happy and lovely unless he develops a urine infection that's when it does get a bit hectic.

@Fcukthisshit he doesn't come into my house he doesn't see the children at all anymore not since the incident with my DH my DH is a very strong well built bloke who would have zero problems defending us if he needed to but we're not that kind of people we've just tried to help this guy he has learning difficulties and a brain injury on top of that. He's just extremely needy and suffocating. Before the brain injury you couldn't of wished to meet a nicer person he was lovely and innocent kind caring. It's hard from going from that to how he is now that is why I'm asking for advice because i feel so guilty cutting him out although i know i need to. I can assure you though my boys are and never will be in danger he is not and never will be welcome in my home again the DC have not seen him since that incident over 2 years ago

@Drum2018 i have a gate at the bottom of the drive so he can't access my property front or back unless i let him which i don't. I don't think he's a bad person he's just got no proper thinking anymore. He just needs alot if help, help i can't give him but he seems to think i am the only one that can