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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to have sex with him

37 replies

Night456 · 01/07/2019 21:50

I’m confused. I don’t want to have sex with DH and it is massively affecting our relationship. The very few friends who know about this say to just do it anyway and it will get easier. I’m worried that if I do that I’ll feel violated. These few friends know me very well and I really trust them and their opinions (given to me separately, they don’t know each other). Should I just do it anyway? 😱 The alternative is very possibly divorce. We have 2 young kids, have been married for 10 years. Sex life has always been a challenge. We have tried therapy. We get on well otherwise. Yes, I do fancy other people so this isn’t a libido problem.

If you've found this page in your search of affordable sex toys and essentials that have been recommended by fellow Mumsnet users, you might find our guide to the best cheap sex toys useful. Hope this helps! MNHQ

OP posts:

AltasCloud · 01/07/2019 21:53

Do you fancy him?

WillLokireturn · 01/07/2019 21:53

You can't have sex with someone when you don't want to.
You need to find a solution someway or the other. Divorce might be what it takes or you no longer fancy him and just can't bear the thought. Or an arrangement if you both want to stay married. Sounds pretty miserable to me though.

WillLokireturn · 01/07/2019 21:54

*if you no longer fancy him or can bear to be touched by him , I meant

Smoothyloopy · 01/07/2019 21:54

Unless your husband is happy to live in a sexless marriage I I assum divorce will be the only option

Original poster

Night456 · 01/07/2019 21:56

My question is should I try and do it even though I don’t want to?

OP posts:

Original poster

Night456 · 01/07/2019 21:57

He’s good looking. I should fancy him. I obviously did once.

OP posts:

TheNanny23 · 01/07/2019 21:57

Maybe this isn’t great advice but I’ve had sex with some right cretins... if libido isn’t a problem could you not read erotica and masturbate until you are really turned out and then get him involved? Or book a night away and buy some new stuff and get plastered?

It’s got to be worth giving it a go- everyone goes through different phases.

VivienneHolt · 01/07/2019 21:57

Did you enjoy having sex with him once? If so, I think there is a possibility that you could regain it. If you’ve never liked having sex with him though then it may never be right.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/07/2019 21:59

Don't just lie back and let him pump away to "keep him happy"
How would he feel knowing you were just letting him get his rocks off in your body whilst your lay there unhappy? Either he's a decent guy and he'd hate it or he wouldn't care and he's a dick.

If you don't want a sexual relationship with him, and you don't think that will change, but you are attracted to other people, how long before you stray? How long until he does?

You don't need a "good enough" reason to seperate if that's what you want

Rezie · 01/07/2019 21:59

You shouldn't have sex against your will.
So basically you have sex drive and fancy having sex, just not with your husband? That is a problem unless both if you are hapyw with sexless marriage or are happy with an open marriage.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/07/2019 22:00

Maybe this isn’t great advice but I’ve had sex with some right cretins but why, unless they were paying you which is a totally different situation

Peakypolly · 01/07/2019 22:01

I’m sure your DH would answer should I try and do it even though I don’t want to? with a resounding no.
Sex in that guise is not what a normal partner would see as desirable sex.

ShawshanksRedemption · 01/07/2019 22:01

You could certainly try to have sex and see how it goes, but how will your DH feel about it, knowing you're not that keen?

"Sex life has always been a challenge..."
Do you know why? What did the therapy show? Did you come to any conclusion?

akmum18 · 01/07/2019 22:04

You need to try and work out what’s preventing you, eg aren’t you attracted to him anymore/ not comfortable with being naked around him etc etc and try and work through it. Don’t force yourself if you don’t want to it will make the situation once. How is your relationship in general? In my experience it’s been an almost mental block shown physically because of an unhappy relationship. If you aren’t happy then talk to him about even a temporary split to see if you feel different. You say you fancy other people, is there a specific person/people?

BogglesGoggles · 01/07/2019 22:05

Well there is always the option of having an open marriage, Sex therapy (for you, if you go by yourself you may get more out of it), celibacy-you May both be able to accept that, many people do, or divorce but there are a lot of things you can try before taking things that far. Marriage is about much more than sex, I would be loathe to end one over sex alone. Unless it’s not just the sex? Often not wanting to have sex with your partner has an emotional cause?

AltasCloud · 01/07/2019 22:06

Would you want your DH to sleep with you if he really didn't want to? But he was forcing himself to?

No. And neither should you.

But of you want a marriage that included sex then you need to seek help. This could be as intensive as counselling or as easy as having date nights to reconnect.

Be honest with yourself - why don't you want to have sex with him?

Iggly · 01/07/2019 22:07

You don’t fancy him anymore and the love you feel for him is platonic?

Which kind of indicates the marriage is over.

wonderingsoul · 01/07/2019 22:07

Personally I would.

No in the sense that inwouod just lay back and take it

Rarther making an effort to have time alone, get in the mood even though I'd rather be doing something else, alot of the time I'd enjoy myself when we got going and the more I have it the more I want it. Same with the less I have it the less bothered I am about it.

You cant change it unless your going to try to something about it and I cant see not having sex will help.

user1471514421 · 01/07/2019 22:08

Night456 I sympathise, I am in similar position. Feel dh and I are on completely different pages, want different things from life plus no attraction but am not sure it is enough to RIP our family apart

Juells · 01/07/2019 22:16

Maybe this isn’t great advice but I’ve had sex with some right cretins...

That made me laugh! Haven't we all?

Stompythedinosaur · 01/07/2019 22:24

No, you shouldn't have sex if you don't want to.

If you do want to continue the relationship you could consider a sex therapist.

Would your dh be open to engaging in some no strings close time (maybe a massage?) Sand see if it gets anything stirring?

smallereveryday · 01/07/2019 22:28

You need to be honest and divorce. Let him find someone who loves him and wants to have sex with him. Keeping him as 'husband' is not fair.

mabelmylove · 01/07/2019 22:30

You need to be honest and divorce. Let him find someone who loves him and wants to have sex with him. Keeping him as 'husband' is not fair.

Wow! Just because you don’t want to have sex with someone doesn’t mean you don’t love them.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 01/07/2019 22:36

Please don't ever have sex with anyone just to make them happy or shut them up from moaning about lack of sex. I did this. Women's Aid gently pointed out that this was coerced sex, because I did not want to have sex but felt obliged to do so. I felt violated each time. My exH was a nasty abusive piece of shit though who used sex as a weapon. But even if your dh isn't manipulating you into it, please don't force yourself to have sex.

crispysausagerolls · 01/07/2019 22:38

TheNanny23

Worth a shot

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