To not want to have sex with him

[Night456]

I’m confused. I don’t want to have sex with DH and it is massively affecting our relationship. The very few friends who know about this say to just do it anyway and it will get easier. I’m worried that if I do that I’ll feel violated. These few friends know me very well and I really trust them and their opinions (given to me separately, they don’t know each other). Should I just do it anyway? 😱 The alternative is very possibly divorce. We have 2 young kids, have been married for 10 years. Sex life has always been a challenge. We have tried therapy. We get on well otherwise. Yes, I do fancy other people so this isn’t a libido problem.

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Honestly - I felt REALLY GUILTY about the fact I no longer fancied DH and didn't want to have sex with him. We stumbled on for years but eventually it became impossible/I ran out of excuses.

This relationship is over.

If you like it well enough when you get going but just can’t be bothered, then make the effort!

If you don’t, then I guess it’s over. Do you cuddle or have other non-sexual contact or has that gone too?

Why wouldn't you want to have sex with you husband ,the person you are meant to love most in the whole world?

Ask yourself that.

It's not that you should have sex with him even if you don't want to

It's that you should try to find a way that makes it enjoyable for you.

Something to get you in the mood maybe. Or make it fun.
Do you want any intimacy? Could you just kiss?

Is there any reason or anything causing an issue do you think? As in you're tired, or you don't want to sleep with him be sure he's not clean? Or pissing you off the rest of the time etc.

Not including your sex life, how is your relationship otherwise? Do you feel it's an equal partnership? Do you enjoy spending time with him?

I don't think you should have sex when you don't want to. But is there something else going on that's stopping you from wanting to be intimate?

Wow! Just because you don’t want to have sex with someone doesn’t mean you don’t love them.

So if you love someone you don't want to have sex with, you just stay with them so the rest of their life can be miserable?

I've done that; having sex because the other party wanted it, when I didn't. It feels awful.

I lose my libido and interest in having sex with someone if we are cohabiting and I'm picking up the mental load.

This is something it took me a long time to realise.

I've noticed that I'm more likely to feel attracted to someone else sexually, when I'm experiencing that at home.

So even if you do split up, there's a likelihood that you will have the same problem with someone new if you cohabit again.

You don't have to have sex, but you might as well kiss goodbye to your relationship, as an absence of sex is the death knell. Trust me, I know.

Do you want to get your sex life back op? I you do you need to talk things through with your husband. I seriously lost my libido after both of my children. Not straight away but around the time they were toddlers. I loved my dp and fancied him but the thought of sex turned me "off". I just couldn't get "turned on". Being busy with dds didnt help. And when i thought about it, the little bits of intimacy has gone too. The hand holding, a kiss here and there etc, cuddles on the sofa, compliments etc The things that would usually build me up to wanting sex. It felt like we were just living & parenting together, not that we were a "couple" if that make sense?
It took me.ages but i talked to my dp. It was hard explaining it. It was hard for him to hear it. We agreed that we wouldnt have sex again until i felt ready, but we needed to still have some form of intimacy. We agreed to make more of an effort with each other. Compliment each other, make time for a cuddle we even 're-created' one of our first dates and went to the pub and played pool, ate pizza on the way home and watched a film and had a snog on the sofa.
It wasnt a magic cure, but we talked bout it and worked through it an we now have a better sex life than ever. It took time but we got there.

Talk to your dp. I hope you can work through it.

What is your DH like? Is he a bit lazy and entitled, or does he do his share of the household tasks - cleaning, shopping, cooking, childcare, mental load (is planning, juggling family stuff)?

Because I imagine nothing is less sexy than a self absorbed child-man who wants to laze about at home while you work and then expects sex.

I think if you want to stay married, then yes you probably should have sex with him (unless of course he is somehow awful and abusive in which case you should get out asap).

I'm just like you. I don't really feel like it. DH is handsome and nice most of the time, but I just struggle with finding sex interesting. I'd much rather do a million other things than get naked with DH. But usually once I get going I do enjoy it.

Things that help me/us are reading erotic novels, watching porn and toys. If he wants sex and you don't, then it creates a lot of resentment in your relationship and at some point he will go looking for it elsewhere. It happened to us, and believe me it's much easier to try and prevent it than either work through it (like we're doing) or going through a divorce.

When people say marriage requires a lot of work, I think this is one of those things. Either you try and work on it and manage to be content enough to stay together, or you split up because one or both of you didn't put in the effort.

And just to declare that my advice is only in the case that your DH is a decent guy who also tries to take your worries into consideration and listens to your concerns too.