To think my children will never one home

[myexisanasshole]

My last post was about the horrific bbq I had where someone was arrested for waving a knife around and threatening people. This was at Easter and I have t seen my children since. They weren't there as my husband had taken them with an emergency court order (filled with lies). For some reason social services were advised told him and he stopped all contact. We have since been back to court and CAFCASS have advise supervised contact with a special service- this costs 200 for 2 hours and I simply can't afford it. I can sort of understand their point as I have had 2 bad manic episodes and 2 suicide attempts since contact stopped as the stress pushed me over the edge. I have had to move out of my home and my mum is basically my carer. The manic episodes also involved a lot of drugs and alcohol and I am desperately trying not to do either but it's so hard as I'm in so much pain. I get one call a day with my children and feel very pushed out. Decisions are being made without me, my ex's new gf is far too involved in my children's lives and hovers around when I'm trying to talk to them. I can't get better unless I see my kids and I can't see my kids until I am better. I don't know what to do, I'm so depressed I hardly go out, I am away at the moment with my mum and won't leave the flat. I've lost 2 stone, I have no friends, my sister won't talk to me and told me to f**k off, my dads had a breakdown so it's all left to my poor mum. I'm a horrible person, I'm a misery, I'm so so angry and shout all the time and smash things. The support I get is crap, I have a CPN who is useless, the waiting list for CBT is 2.5 years, I can't afford counselling and am on the waiting list for MIND. All I want is to hold my children, smell their hair, play with them and read them a story but it all feels so hopeless. The courts said this will go on until October and by then I fear they will say the children are settled and won't let them come home. I'll be happy with 50/50 which is what my ex wanted to start with (that's how this started, I said no as the kids didn't want it so he lied on a court order to take them). If what he said had been investigated to start with I would t be in this position. I wouldn't have had 2 manic episodes, or gotten involved with dodgy people or attempted suicide. It's all a mess. Sorry for the ramble it's just all so jumbled in my head

Anyone?

The only way to improve your situation is to improve yourself. It doesn’t really matter how things got to this point so you need to let that go. If you want your children in your life, the reality is that you are going to have to prove yourself capable. You must address your mental stability and your independence like it is a full-time avocation.

Do you have Bipolar? Are you on medication for it? If you have a CPN then you are most likely under secondary care and will be allocated a psychiatrist.

It may be worth speaking to your CPN as the first point of contact, I have my nurses work mobile number to call/text in between her monthly visits so are you able to do that and maybe discuss medication?

In regards to what the courts/social services are doing, it does seem your place is a rather unstable place for the children if the guest are the type of person who would be carrying a knife!
Add to that what seems like unmanaged bipolar disorder, they really do have the children's best interests at heart.

Hope you manage to get on the right track though and moving in with your mother seems likes you are moving in the
Right direction.

I have bipolar too and control it with medication so i get what you're saying.
Who is advocating for you and your rights? Can your mum help access social services help/counselling?
It s horrible not seeing your kids but you may have to play the game as in seen to be compliant with therapy/medication.
Why can't the CPN advocate for you?
I m so sorry not to be more help but didnt want you to feel alone

I feel for you OP. Mental health issues are devastating and I can see the vicious circle you have found yourself in. I am sending you a big virtual hug.
Can I agree with a pp though. You need to take your meds and seek all and any free support you can get. Can your CPN help? Yo need to show that your condition under control. I know someone with severe bipolar and in her manics she would not be able to care for a child and would not have the foresight at that stage to seek help for the kids - so tragic as it sounds I can see why they are insisting that your health is steady (not perfect) and yo are looking after yourself before you can have unsupervised access.
I am a lawyer but not in this field but I cannot think that it is fair or in fact true that someone with no financial means cannot see their kids. Abusers get paid for supervised access. Please go to citizens advice and get proper advice on this as I think you are entitled to free supervised contact.
You have to deal with this like it’s the mission of your life. I get why yo feel shit, and as someone without MH issues I can’t really understand how big a layer on top this can be. But you have to try. Get your ducks in a row as much as you can. Eat well, drink loads of water, no drink, not drugs, lots of sleep. Visualise seeing your kids when yo find things hard. Prove you can look after those kids, like your life depends on it. Because both theirs and yours do.
Wishing you masses of luck. It will be hard. Seek help wherever you can - GP, CPN, citizens advice etc.

I may be in the minority but your post was entirely about you and your feeling, it seems you haven’t considered your children’s needs and feelings at all. If you want to have a better life for you and your children you need to do the work. Your children deserve better than living in a situation where instability, anger, drugs and alcohol are all issues. As a child fearing coming home from school not knowing if your are getting cookie baking fun mum or stoned drunk angry mum is terrifying.
Work on yourself and your issues and hopefully you can make a difference to your life and theirs.

Op, your DCs are the most important people in this situation. You say you feel so stressed and down about things, but just think how this is affecting them too. They must feel so confused having you disappear from their lives. Try to focus on doing the best you can to get your life stable - cut off from the people who bring negativity to your life. Have a big picture of your DCs in your home and when you start wavering hold onto that picture to give you strength to to get to where you need to be to get access to them. You can’t hold other people responsible for your situation - only you can sort this out. Good luck

your post was entirely about you and your feeling, it seems you haven’t considered your children’s needs and feelings at all. If you want to have a better life for you and your children you need to do the work. Your children deserve better than living in a situation where instability, anger, drugs and alcohol are all issues.

Exactly. I completely agree.

Agree totally with 2toe

I also agree with 2toe unfortunately it doesn't sound as everything is quite in place for a safe environment for them yet, I'm so so angry and shout all the time and smash things it's not about getting your children back to make you well, it's about getting well to get them back. Speak to your CPN, is it customary to pay for supervised contact? I thought SS would facilitate this?

I agree with @2toe as well.

That post is all about how none of this is your fault

You are mentally unwell, which has been created or made worse by drug and alcohol use.

You had someone at your house that was waving a knife around and was arrested. That is not a safe environment for kids. If you had your kids there is a 50:50 chance they would have been there.

There was obviously something that went before you didnt see your kids. Courts do not only allow supervised access for no reason.

You need to do what you must if you want to see your kids again.

I would be fighting tooth and nail to not let me exh see the children, if he was using drugs and alcohol, not mentally well and having people round who were dangerous.

Who you need to work on getting yourself well, not mixing with people who are unstable or dangerous. If you you want to see get your kids back you will need to put everything you have into it.

You need to start taking responsibility for your part in this. You blame social services and your ex but the courts cannot just take your children for no reason, you need to look at your part in this.

The time now is to focus on yourself and improve your mental health. Do you work? Do you have any hobbies you like to do? Have you thought about volunteering? Anything to get you back in the community and active again.

Talk to your CPN, talk to your social worker. There will be support groups out there for people in your situation, ask the professionals for where they are.

You can continue to go down in misery which will not help with getting your kids back or you can get your life back on track. It is your choice, you have that power.

I may be in the minority but your post was entirely about you and your feeling, it seems you haven’t considered your children’s needs and feelings at all.

I also agree with this.

Hand on heart, right now with the state you are in, what is best for your children?

You need to "fix" yourself for your children.

I agree with 2toe

Mental ill health is devastating and I really do feel for you. I have been in a situation where my son was in foster care due to my mental state (voluntary) so I know a little of how you feel.

I do t wish to sound uncompassionate, but something needs to change here. You talk about how the mania and substance abuse wouldn't have happened if the children weren't removed, but that's a stress response and SS need to be sure that stress responses like that are controlled before even considering shared care of any sort.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh and I appreciate its a shitty situation.

Op, I did a search on your username to get the back ground.

Earlier this year, you said you didnt have an issue with drugs. Just alcohol.

So either you were misleading mners, to get sympathy and advice or your substance abuse has escalated.

You also had your kids in February but were talking about not returning them to their father. But by March they had been removed. Why? You didnt say in your last thread.

Children arent just removed from their mothers care for no reason at all.

As pp said, if you are having people round who get drunk or hich and start waving a knife around, you cant have your kids.

Its correct that children should not be around this.

I am asking because if you want advice, you need to be honest about the situation.

You absolutely must want to do better for the sake of your kids op. I am diagnosed with unstable emotional personality disorder and I was in a relationship with an abusive man who took advantage of my diagnosis and made my life he'll to the point where I wanted to end things because I thought I was worthless and my kids were better without me. SS were involved because if an incident. I was a mess and drinking too heavily to blot it all out. I worked with SS because my children mean everything to me. I got rid of him, got support to manage my stress levels which in turn helped get my drinking under control. I am in therapy now to manage my issues and I absolutely did everything I could to bring order back into mine and my children's lives. They are who matter.

Your children are not the solution to YOUR problem. You should be the solution to any of their problems. I know you can’t see it just now because you obviously haven’t hit rock bottom yet, but getting better is something ONLY you can do. Your perspective is all wrong as are your priorities. That needs to change before you get your kids back. For what it’s worth, I agree with court. Your kids are better off in a stable home right now.

Sorry OP, I agree with PPs - your post reads all about how you're feeling and what you want, but you've not yet mentioned how your kids have been feeling, what they witnessed and who they want to be with.

Equally you seem upset that your ex's GF is getting close to them - surely you must see that this can only be of benefit to them in what is a very turbulent time? It's not about you in this instance.

I sympathise with your MH issues and can see that getting better ought to be your priority, but you need to do this to be the best mum you can be for your kids, they don't have a responsibility to 'fix you'.

I also completely agree with 2toe.

In relation to supervised contact, sadly this is a real problem in the U.K. now. In private family proceedings, there is simply no funding for supervised contact, and parents have to pay themselves. If parents can not afford it, it simply can’t happen, even if it’s been assessed as safe and in the child’s interests. It’s utterly frustrating for judges and Cafcass, and devastating for parents. But supervised contact centres are private companies and there just isn’t any government funding for it, generally. Some centres will have applied for grants to assist the poorest families, but often only for the short term. It’s an awful situation, but down to government funding, not the courts or social workers.

I feel so sad for you. But you absolutely have to get yourself stable first before exposing the DC to erratic and alarming situations.
Do you have a social worker?

Honestly your post doesn’t come across as caring for your dc at all. You’re far too focussed on your feelings. I think you need to get treatment, sort yourself out, and then try to get access. If I was your ex in this situation I’d be doing everything in my power to keep the kids from you too.

I can't get better unless I see my kids

You can, and you need to. It is not your children's responsibility to prop up your mental health or keep you sober.

Engage with the professionals, take your medication, and do whatever you can to get stability back into your life, and THEN you can make a case for access. In the meantime, speaking to them daily seems quite reasonable - more than that would only be disruptive.

As the adult child of a bipolar mother where I have recently (yet again) had to lay down reasonable boundaries when trying to help said mother with her life issues that are entirely of her own doing, and been told I am 'having an emotional episode' and being 'really horrible' in response - if you want a relationship with your children going forward, stop thinking about yourself - right now - and put them first. Keep putting them first and sort yourself out so you are in a good place with a fit mental state to be the mother they need you to be.

If you think you are putting them first, from what you've said you absolutely aren't in any way, shape or form, and if you carry on like this, from personal experience your children will grow up and end up giving up on you. I have with mine. For your children's sake and your own, don't let that be their only choice.

Unless you’re going to drip feed about your children’s father being abusive, then your children are currently in the best place for them. Not for you, but for them. You cannot currently provide them with the stable home life that they need.
You say you can’t get better until you see your children, but you can. You have to.