To think my children will never one home

[myexisanasshole]

My last post was about the horrific bbq I had where someone was arrested for waving a knife around and threatening people. This was at Easter and I have t seen my children since. They weren't there as my husband had taken them with an emergency court order (filled with lies). For some reason social services were advised told him and he stopped all contact. We have since been back to court and CAFCASS have advise supervised contact with a special service- this costs 200 for 2 hours and I simply can't afford it. I can sort of understand their point as I have had 2 bad manic episodes and 2 suicide attempts since contact stopped as the stress pushed me over the edge. I have had to move out of my home and my mum is basically my carer. The manic episodes also involved a lot of drugs and alcohol and I am desperately trying not to do either but it's so hard as I'm in so much pain. I get one call a day with my children and feel very pushed out. Decisions are being made without me, my ex's new gf is far too involved in my children's lives and hovers around when I'm trying to talk to them. I can't get better unless I see my kids and I can't see my kids until I am better. I don't know what to do, I'm so depressed I hardly go out, I am away at the moment with my mum and won't leave the flat. I've lost 2 stone, I have no friends, my sister won't talk to me and told me to f**k off, my dads had a breakdown so it's all left to my poor mum. I'm a horrible person, I'm a misery, I'm so so angry and shout all the time and smash things. The support I get is crap, I have a CPN who is useless, the waiting list for CBT is 2.5 years, I can't afford counselling and am on the waiting list for MIND. All I want is to hold my children, smell their hair, play with them and read them a story but it all feels so hopeless. The courts said this will go on until October and by then I fear they will say the children are settled and won't let them come home. I'll be happy with 50/50 which is what my ex wanted to start with (that's how this started, I said no as the kids didn't want it so he lied on a court order to take them). If what he said had been investigated to start with I would t be in this position. I wouldn't have had 2 manic episodes, or gotten involved with dodgy people or attempted suicide. It's all a mess. Sorry for the ramble it's just all so jumbled in my head

Take your medication OP, you won't be able to make any sensible decisions until you stabilise. I know it's scary but you have to do that in order to begin to sort out the mess you're in. Good luck.

I’m glad @2toe said it.

Your children need a stable environment, and from how you have described yourself they are better off with your ex until you sort yourself out.
I doubt your ex needed to fill his application with lies to get the emergency contact order, you admit yourself you shout, smash things, get angry and are horrible!
Stop wallowing in self pity, sort yourself out, get on the medication you need then start thinking about building a real relationship with your children. But for now, they sound better off without you.

I remember several of your previous threads and things seem to be getting worse not better.

Your DC are very young and need stability and a safe home. They’re getting that with your ex and his partner who are doing ALL the parenting needed and who you asked to take the DC when you had a breakdown. He doesn’t sound like an arsehole to me, they both sound like they’re stepping up and being the parents your children need right now. You’re clearly very unwell and there comes a time when it’s obvious you’re the common denominator, your mum is doing what she can for you in difficult circumstances, your sister isn’t speaking to you, your ex is looking out for the children, SS are trying to keep them safe.

You’re in pain but it’s not your small DC’s job to make you better. You can’t go around smashing things up, abusing drugs and alcohol, not taking your meds, and say reading a bedtime story or having a cuddle will fix it. You have to fix it then when you’re stable enough to be trusted to put their needs first you can start seeing them regularly again. Until you’re doing that you need to accept they’re in the best place for them and take this time to work on yourself.

I really hope you can get better to start building up the trust again to have regular contact with your children. It doesnt sound like you are in a good place right now. They wont let you have your chldren back because it would be good for you. They will only look at whether you will be good for your children, and you have to prove this. You need to be stable first. Have stable moods, show that you can understand keeping them safe and keep the right sort of company.
Youve got a lot of work to do OP, but I hope you can rise to the challenge.

You're still focussing on your ex's girlfriend and you really need to stop that. She's not replacing you as mum but she is able to offer consistent support to your children. You might not like it but it's in their best interest to have that stability. You need to take your meds and work with your CPN. Last time you didn't have a drink for 2 weeks and thought you'd cracked the drinking. You need to join AA and work at that properly, same with addressing the drugs. You can't put on to your kids to be responsible for your mental well-being it's far too much to ask. Please speak to the support services around you again and engage properly.

Yeah. Mental health issues are not an excuse for being abusive, angry, violent, and aggressive.

Either you take responsibility for your own issues, get the help you need, and get better. Or you don't. Right now, it's clear from the tone of your post that you expect everyone else to fix it for you.

You are a risk to your children. Social Services are doing their job - they're protecting your children from you. If you don't face that, and deal with your own behaviour, Social Services will have to go on doing that. And your ex will go on being the the stable, loving, consistent parent those kids need.

All I did in the first instance was have a bad reaction to coming off meda which caused an episode, they should not have been taken and as are satisfied that there is NO RISK! Of course I want my kids to have a stable happy mum, the only reason I have had further episodes is due to the stress of the situation. I am now reminded of why I came off Mumsnet, no sympathy for mental health or the damage being done by my children being removed from their mother, who has cared for them for the last 3 years, alone. I am trying my best to get better and being berated is not helping. I give up. No one seems to get that my ex lied on a court order to get them and evidence is yet to be disclosed.

OP - I have bipolar disorder too, and have also struggled with mania so please understand this comes from a place of solidarity but your children won't be enough to keep you well.

I know you love them, but love isn't enough to fix the kind of messy brain chemistry people like you and I have - that's why we need meds, and why we need to engage with the CMHT.

Why is your CPN useless? What have they been saying? If you really don't gel, you can request another which might help. It is also worth looking into a support group in your area which might be good for you and won't have such a long waiting list. Definitely stop the drugs and alcohol - you won't be able to get well with those in your system. And you need to be well to see your DC again.

OP, the reasons why they weren't removed doesn't really matter. You say that since they've gone someone has been wielding a knife at a BBQ, you've had 2 manic episode and 2 suicide attempts and you misuse drugs and alcohol. You need to get all those things under control and prove that you are stable before you have any chance of having your kids back.

Good luck

Look at this a different way, what do you think your children need from you?

So they deemed you were no risk. Yet you could only see you children supervised?

You had them at the end of Feb, you had an episode then? During the time you were talking about not returning them at all?

You have a problem with alcohol and drugs (though it's difficult to tell if it's always been drugs or that's quite a new problem), you have people at your house who shouldnt be around children

Until you can see what is your responsibility, you wont make the changes needed to get the kids back.

Op I do sympathise with mental health issues I have suffered ptsd, depression and anxiety. But you can’t let it affect your child.

If you are in a suicidal state, using alcohol and drugs. Mixing with people brandishing knives at bbqs its right the children remain with their father. You need to sort your life out first before you bring your children back into it.

If you need to wallow do it but give yourself a time limit and then put it away and give your full attention to what you need to do to get your children back. I know this is horrible for you and I do have sympathy but being patted on the head is not what is going to help you resolve this.

You've stated here that you can't get better without them. That alone proves they are in the right place.

Children should never ever have that burden placed upon them.

You can have pity party. Absolutely. You can acknowledge that the situation is shit for you. But you also need to accept that you've been at fault and if you want to resolve this then you need to put the work in.

I really do have sympathy for you OP. I also think your children need you to be stable before you get access again, but im aware that will make it even harder for you, but theres no way around that. Youre going to have to focus on getting yourself in a better place and working with the authorities

I am now reminded of why I came off Mumsnet, no sympathy for mental health

There is a LOT of sympathy and understanding for mental health on MN. There are people on this thread who have suffered with mental health problems. Unfortunately you don't appreciate that first priority is the safety and well being of your children.

You had someone at your house that was waving a knife around and was arrested

Is that part her fault though? If I invited some family and friends around see, and one pulls a knife out, who has never done something like this before, that doesn't mean I've put them in danger since I wouldn't have known they were likely to do that in the first place, and if you did know you wouldn't invite them around. It depends on if she knew this person was violently unstable or not.

The rest, no disagreement. Sorry OP :(

My Mum has bipolar for what it's worth. I was taken away from her and only allowed to visit. I hate her.

Yeah. Mental health issues are not an excuse for being abusive, angry, violent, and aggressive.

£Either you take responsibility for your own issues, get the help you need, and get better. Or you don't.*

I think in some cases it is an excuse because some people are so mentally unwell that they actually do not have the capacity to understand their actions, consequences, or to take responsibility. I don't think that's the case here though.

Your children deserve better, op. Sorry. Your post is entirely about you, not what is best for them. You are not what is best for them and that is what the courts have decided.

I agree with the advice to get yourself better and I understand that your unwell but come on it's To take stock and get your shot together.
Take any medication avoid the drugs and who you hang around is your choice.. be selective.
Get out and go for a walk even 30 minutes a day to see the world around you & give yourself something else to think about.
I think a ex's partner is a threat to you because at the moment your children hopefully get a stable healthy relationship with her around...look at that woman as a possible good influence or help to better your children's life is not supporting them..
I would get yourself mentally stable and do everything to have your children for now your contacts better than none!?
Tricky difficult stuff.. how do your holders see you and your behaviour? Do you want them living a safe secure life I'm sure you do.
Try by reading up on helping yourself with your time or go sit in a park and read a book.. Take this and make it the last resort of the lowest you can go or be.
Shared care is never easy. Put boundaries in place to keep yourself only coping with what you need to or can.
If you are doing drugs keep it clean..I hope you get the help and find will power to move on to a better life. Maybe a idea but ask to walk someone's dog or something to help take responsibility for a garden etc.
Do it for your children.. what did you do when we weren't around
Mum... I did this and I tried

People have understanding of mental health but the children's needs trump your own needs.

You are in a bad place, hurting a lot, and finding it very hard to get motivated to get better. Instead, your fears are letting you self destroy yourself. You feel that you need concrete pleasures to motivate yourself to get better and that's totally understandable. When you are in the place you are, finding energy to motivate yourself on the basis of god things happening in the future is very tough. You don't have the energy to invest, you need food now to get energy. This is why it is soooo hard to get better.

Sadly, when it comes to children, they just cannot be the food to give you energy to get better because being so is causing them harm, if anything at least emotionally and the one thing that is non negotiable when you are a parent is that the welfare of your kids always come before yours.

So somehow, you're going to have to find energy to fight your demons from another source then your kids. The best way to find it is to accept that things will need to start very slowly, one day at a time. You find something to set yourself as a goal daily and then weekly and the energy comes in dribbles to start with but slowly becomes more of a flow.

Tbere is no other alternatives, it will have to come from you. People can only guide you, encourage you, remind you to keep on track, but the energy to get better can only be found inside you. You can do it OP, you really can, and indeed, I've known people as poorly as you turning their life around and living a very normal and fulfilling life with their kids.

Is that part her fault though? If I invited some family and friends around see, and one pulls a knife out, who has never done something like this before, that doesn't mean I've put them in danger since I wouldn't have known they were likely to do that in the first place, and if you did know you wouldn't invite them around. It depends on if she knew this person was violently unstable or not.

If your ex who had severe mental health problems, was involved in drugs and alcohol had a BBQ with booze which ended with someone brandishing a knife and being arrested.

Would you think it's not the exs fault as they may not have known the person was volatile, or would you think your ex makes bad decisions and cant be trusted to have the kids

Having a boozy BBQ in itself wasnt a great idea. Given that OP keeps trying to quit it herself. Thats not great judgment.

It's not her fault the person with the knife did that. But its adding to a situation where she finds herself, unable to prove she can keep the kids safe.

I remember your previous thread OP and am so sorry you are going through this

I think you mentioned Turning Point helping previously? Are you getting as much support as you can?

I can’t imagine how devastating not seeing you children is but you really need to focus on getting better. Do it for them. Take the support and get yourself well. Mental health issues aren’t your fault but you do need to step up and fight your demons and you can do it.

Imagine how happy your children will be once you are well. You can get better for them. I know this sounds heartless but I think for now focus on your own well being then try and fight for more access. The more social services see you engaging the more they will want to help. Social services aren’t the enemy so try and work with them.