Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be gutted over this?

31 replies

OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 01/07/2019 03:49

I have posted before about the horrible situation I've been in for the last two years with my delusionally jealous husband. We have parted ways at a complete dead end. I bought a new house and he stayed in our family home - the kids are with me 4 nights and he's seeing a psychiatrist, though he's still in complete denial. Of course I'm relieved because it got to the point where he thought every word that I said was a lie and still thought I was sneaking out in the middle of the night to sleep my imaginary lover. Anyway, I'm devastated but I know time and self care will help.

The thing that has just hit me hard is this. He has always been a bit on and off with work (for 17 years) and has barely worked at all in the last 3 years. I have supported him financially and funded an overseas trip (20k), his 50th birthday bash, a wedding (ours 2 years ago) and a couple of small trips in addition to daily living costs etc. I helped him prepare and submit a compensation claim due to some serious health issues he's had. He has just found out that he will be getting $102k from them as compensation. Firstly, I just wanted to say that I am really happy for him to have some financial relief especially given he has to pay the monthly payments on our family home until we do our settlement. But....... I am also gutted. I have looked after my husband financially for so long and this is the first time he's ever had surplus funds. Because of his delusional beliefs, leaving has cost me a lot emotionally and financially. The kids and I don't have beds - only mattresses until I can save some money to furnish the new house. I had to leave so much behind because of his beliefs. I'm happy for him but I'm jealous and resentful about the whole thing.

AIBU to be so gutted that he's gotten this now? Worse still is that no doubt, he sees this as 'good things coming to him' after all that his horrid wife put him through. Feel free to put me in my place if I am BU because I know that these feelings are wrong but I am such an emotional wreck!

OP posts:
Original poster
OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 01/07/2019 04:35

Really hoping you can all tell me how stupid I'm being to be devastated by my husband's good fortune. I'm letting it get to me a bit.

OP posts:
Nautiloid · 01/07/2019 04:57

I'd feel the same in your shoes. It's a natural way to feel.

Loveislandaddict · 01/07/2019 05:02

I think after all the grief that you have gone, and all the financial (and emotional) support you have given, you are bound to feel aggrieved that he has been handed this money on a plate (although I know it’s not easy getting compensation). He has been set up (with your help) whilst you are struggling with everyday things.

Take time to look after yourself.

HennyPennyHorror · 01/07/2019 05:23

You could quite reasonably take him to court for some compensation for your losses.

See a solicitor.

Guadalquivir19 · 01/07/2019 05:53

Natural to feel this way but I wouldn't take him to court for compensation to recover costs. I'd see it as a way to be finally free of him because you'll no longer be financially responsible for him. Once you start asking for costs, he'll find a way to spend it all and ask you to financially support him.

Any money spent on suing him would be better spent on getting a divorce tbh.

Pipandmum · 01/07/2019 06:01

Hopefully this means you won’t have to pay him any maintenance. That money won’t last long though.

ukgift2016 · 01/07/2019 06:03

See a solicitor. There is no point being a martyr when you and your kids are suffering.

Cherrysoup · 01/07/2019 06:46

Solicitor, pretty sure you could claim some of the money.

PollyPelargonium52 · 01/07/2019 06:47

I have noticed bed bases are now very affordable on ebay. I need a new one myself but had been putting it off.

Sunshine93 · 01/07/2019 06:48

Yanbu and should see a solicitor. You shouldn't be living in a pokey place with no beds while he is sitting in your family home with 100k in the bank not even working!!!

Juells · 01/07/2019 06:53

YWBVUU to funded an overseas trip (20k), his 50th birthday bash, a wedding

Be happy to be rid of him. Stop funding trips and parties for him.

BeanBag7 · 01/07/2019 06:56

I might have misunderstood but why/ how were your able to give him £20k for a trip abroad but you can't afford a bed for your kids?

Juells · 01/07/2019 06:56

BTW spend money on a good security system, burglar alarm, and never allow him inside your door. Jealous people will want to spy on you.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/07/2019 06:56

See a divorce lawyer ASAP

katewhinesalot · 01/07/2019 06:58

This will make like easier for your kids when they are with him.

Can you ask for more stuff from the house now?

Original poster
OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 01/07/2019 07:31

Juells and BeanBag7 - the parties and trips were in the last few years. His delusions started 2 years ago. My new house is definitely out of bounds because I have lived with the constant worry that I'm being watched/listened to without my knowledge - not paranoia on my side unfortunately. It has a 6 point security system, thank goodness. We'll be ok for furniture soon - I should have enough in the next month.
Thanks everyone for your replies. It has made me feel better feeling that my reaction is normal. :)

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 01/07/2019 07:35

I wouldn't take him to court for compensation to recover costs. I'd see it as a way to be finally free of him

With no beds. Or money.

No. Go and seek legal advice.

Juells · 01/07/2019 07:39

It has a 6 point security system

Really glad that you have security.

I can see why people say consult a solicitor about that money, but God! I'd just want to be rid of him and be safe. The only reason I'd see a solicitor is if I thought the money he's getting would mean that I could break off all contact with him. I would keep children away from him too.

ReanimatedSGB · 01/07/2019 07:43

I also think you should regard this money as a way of being free of this useless prick. A good solicitor should be able to help you get some sort of arrangement whereby you no longer have to pay him any financial support.

Lalliella · 01/07/2019 07:51

I think you should see a solicitor to find out what your rights are, without a definite intention to do anything about it. It may be that you have no right to anything, as he got the money after the split. Then you need to find away to forget it and move on. Like others have said, it’s a way to be free of him

Whereissummerthisyear · 01/07/2019 08:00

I think you should divorce him as soon as possible. That money won’t last him long if he has no income. Or he could blow it all anyway. You have no control over it.

MoanyAnna · 01/07/2019 08:10

The posters that say " just be grateful to be rid of him " are being unrealistic. See a solicitor SOON! You are still married. It would be an unreasonable word if you are left with less than he has after a divorce.

Millie2018 · 01/07/2019 08:15

YANBU to feel this way. I’d feel angry and jealous too. But, if he gave you the money to go back to him would you?
Not in a million years right? So, deep breaths. Remind yourself of the positives of being away from him and make sure it’s declared as part of the divorce.
Best of luck.

Loveislandaddict · 01/07/2019 08:53

Wilyou be entitled to some of the money as part of the divorce settlement, or is it solely for his welfare? Maybe worth looking into?

Stay strong.

Kanga83 · 01/07/2019 13:01

Injury solicitor here. His compensation- what exactly was it for and was there a special damages claim for care and expenses put in? Because if there was, you are owed whatever was agreed for that award. PM me if you need.