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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DFs wedding

29 replies

Smarshian · 30/06/2019 22:39

My DF is a wealthy and generally generous man. He is getting married in a few weeks abroad to a lovely woman. He has invited us to the wedding and paid accommodation but not flights for myself, DH and our 2 DC. We bought flights last year as soon as possible and managed to get return flights for around £600. We have also had to hire a car for the week, and 2 car seats (£200) plus transport to and from the airport (£110). And obviously we will be paying for food and drink whilst there. We are happy to pay this and are just calling it our family holiday for this year as it is similar to what we would have paid for a break anyway.
DF is having a stag do this weekend again abroad and invited my DH. We expressed when this was mentioned that he would probably not be able to go as obviously that is more cost for us and I have only recently returned to work from mat leave so we have been skint for a bit and are just getting back on our feet. DF offered to pay flights and accommodation for the stag for DH. So he agreed to attend as a. He quite wanted to go and b. He knew that DF would want him to go. They are playing golf daily with course fees of up to £100 per round, eating out at fancy restaurants and generally going all out.
One of the stag attendees has insisted that the my split the cost of DFs food drink and golf for the full time as he has covered the accommodation and flights. The problem is he has done this while they are there. So DH and I haven’t accounted for this extra spend (and the trip is costing more than he expected for his own spends anyway). There are only 3 other stags to split DFs share so they are spending a lot more each, its not just a few quid and we are both feeling a bit anxious about the cost.
AIBU to think the stag who suggested splitting DFs costs should have mentioned this before now?!

OP posts:
WalnutCabinet · 30/06/2019 22:42

i am sure that your dad will either insist on paying or give your DH his hare back as he knows that you are broke.

Original poster
Smarshian · 30/06/2019 22:45

The thing is he hasn’t - he has accepted them all paying for him and I do get why the other guys want to but it’s just really awkward as now our holiday spends for our actual trip away is depleting rapidly! They are out for dinner on their last night now.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 30/06/2019 22:48

He should have just not gone. I think it’s a bit selfish that you were worrying already about the money for your father’s wedding, but he still chose to go and spend money because he fancied a golf trip!

It’s not entirely unexpected is it? That they’d want to chip in for the stag?

I don’t know what you can do. Ask your dad for a loan maybe? I wouldn’t but if you’ve no other choice...

IvanaPee · 30/06/2019 22:49

And sorry but he was happy to spend all that money on expensive dinners etc, he’s just not happy to chip in for the stag!

Lazypuppy · 30/06/2019 22:50

Of course the stags pay for your df. The guy getting married doesn't normally pay snything, same as bride to be on hen do's

Original poster
Smarshian · 30/06/2019 22:52

I paid for my hen do. My husband paid for himself on his stag do. Not everyone does that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smarshian · 30/06/2019 22:54

I think DH wasn’t expecting the whole thing to be as pricey as it’s been (thought they would eat in less fancy places etc) and then obviously to pay extra on top without agreeing beforehand has left him a bit tight.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 30/06/2019 22:55

Silly of your DH to go given how tight money is.

IvanaPee · 30/06/2019 22:57

It was still selfish and stupid of him to go! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Expressedways · 30/06/2019 22:57

This is pretty normal for hen/stag dos to be honest. You probably should have seen that coming...
To be honest you only have two choices; fess up and tell your dad you failed to budget properly for your DH attending the stag, tell him you’re broke and ask him to lend/give you some money for spending money whilst you’re away or don’t say anything and have to do the trip abroad on the cheap.

Spookydot · 30/06/2019 22:59

What’s your relationship like with your dad? Could you call or text Your dad and be brutally honest about how the cost has spiralled and ask for the money your husband has forked out on covering his meals back?

chamenanged · 30/06/2019 23:01

Has your dad been married before? What age is he? Having a stag at all sounds a bit unseemly to be honest let alone a stag abroad and a wedding abroad which I think is bad form for anyone. The money thing is irritating but not much you can do about it now.

Original poster
Smarshian · 30/06/2019 23:05

Yes my dad has been married before. I know. The thing is I think he has done it thinking he is giving us a free holiday but we’ve ended up spending loads.
DH felt like he couldn’t say no to the stag as it was being paid for but again it’s ended up costing a lot.
We won’t have to ask dad to lend us money but we will probably have to put more on our credit cards that we were just starting to pay down.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 30/06/2019 23:11

Your DH really shouldn't have gone. I don't think it is an out of this world suggestion that the stags pay for the groom's share - from reading MN threads this seems to happen quite a lot - and is perhaps something you both should have thought of.

BackforGood · 30/06/2019 23:30

YEs, the stag who suggested it should have mentioned it before, but equally, if you don't have the money, then your dh shouldn't have gone.
Your df might have paid for flights and accommodation, but you obviously must be aware that there would be meals, drinks, golf course fees etc, so it wasn't 'free', anymore than you traveling to the wedding is free.

As an aside, how is it you are paying for car hire, but also transport from the airport ?

PregnantSea · 01/07/2019 00:55

I understand why people are saying DH shouldn't have gone because you would expect to have to fork out for the stag, which usually I would agree with. However in this instance the groom has offered to pay for his flights and accommodation so... How could he say no? It's his FIL, there would be huge amounts of pressure to go and the being skint excuse doesn't work if someone is offering to pay flights and accommodation. That would make me think the person really wanted me there and it seems a bit rude to refuse. The only thing he could have done is pretended that there was a really important prior engagement, which can be difficult to lie about with close family and also would still look bad since it's his FIL's stag do so should really be a priority.

I don't think you can ask for the money back. That's CF territory. Your dad will know how much he's spending and hasn't offered to reimburse him. I think you're just gunna have to swallow this one and take the financial hit. And if your Dad ever gets married again in the future tell him he's not allowed to have a 3rd stag do lol.

Blondebakingmumma · 01/07/2019 01:04

Can DH cut his stay short so his share will be less for fewer days?

StoneofDestiny · 01/07/2019 01:09

DH shouldn't have gone - can't really expect a free holiday, free food, free golf, free drinks etc Surely he knew there would be additional costs on a stag do?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/07/2019 01:31

I don't think he was expecting a free holiday. Dh was told the trip would cost x.. he gets there and its suddenly x + 25%. YANBU.. even if people sometimes do this, its really unfair to wait until he is actually there before asking for an extra 25% of the cost. It sounds like the other "Stags" are nearer to your father's age and much better off and can afford to treat themselves.
Could you just put the case to your Dad and say he can't afford to pay for a quarter of DF's stag do and wouldnt have gone if he'd known that would happen.

SeaToSki · 01/07/2019 02:11

Why cant you take car seats with you on the plane? Or if they are old enough use bubble bums. 200 to rent them seems excessive

Original poster
Smarshian · 01/07/2019 07:51

That’s the thing - he knew it was going to cost some spending money, but it’s difficult to turn down a stag when someone has offered to pay your flights and accommodation.
He was expecting to spend circa £300-400 on spends but it’s actually cost around £650 which is obviously a lot more.
You’re right the other stags are closer to his age and better off than us.
Also for the people asking the £200 is car hire and car seats combined and the airport transport is for this end (we live quite a way from the closest airport).

OP posts:
Ragwort · 01/07/2019 07:57

Of course he shouldn’t have gone but it’s too late for that decision now.

Can he have a tactful word with the stag who is asking for the contribution, obviously it will be very embarrassing and maybe he needs to skip one of the expensive meals.

Otherwise you will just have to accept what’s done is done and cut back on other things/use a credit card.

Holidays (esp. stag type occasions/weddings) are always going to be more expensive than you budget, and just because someone offers to pay flights and accommodation doesn’t mean there won’t be a lot of extras’.

LIZS · 01/07/2019 08:13

Maybe df doesn't want to single your dp out in front of others but will reimburse privately.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/07/2019 08:15

He's on his last night?

It's a bit too late to do anything now.

fluffygal · 01/07/2019 08:25

You say it's the last night so really isn't a lot you can do now, but if I had been in that position I would have just declined eating out one night and been honest and said I don't have the money. I wouldn't ask your DF to cover the costs at all.

I hate it when other peolple spend your money for you it makes me really anxious going on trips or meals out like this. Other people seem to have an endless supply of money!