To ask for your help on setting new rules for our nearly 14 yo.

[Whosaystwoisokbutmoreisnot]

He's going on 14 (Yr 8) and the eldest of 4. Has always been a sensible, emotionally switched on and responsible lad. He babysits for us for a couple of hours max if we go to the local (5 min walk, 2 min run away) and we're home before 9pm. He hit puberty and we lost him. Moody, critical and opting out of family life. We gave him a hard time about playing on devices and staying in his room. Now he's gone 180 and wants to be out all the time at weekends, 10.30am-7.30pm and that's not even really enough. Spending his birthday money on food and snacks (3 meals and nearly £20 one day) and just seems to think he's an adult and can do as he pleases. He's critical of his siblings and quite negative when he's here. Either in his room on device or watching Netflix (not even checking if films are OK now). This is all new to us, we're used to little people. We're firm parents, quite trad and have raised polite, well-adjusted and responsible kids. For context, we're also fairly youngish and they have good experiences, we're not boring!

I want to get this right, and set safe boundaries and expectations but feel like I'm feeling around in the dark on this one. I don't want to lose him either way; by letting him go awol OR being so strict we push him away. We just had a chat and told him we'll be setting some rules and he needs to think what's fair so hopefully we can agree on some. It seems he thinks he's an adult and can come and go without a care (he does ask and DOES come home when asked but he clearly doesn't see a problem and with being out all day between towns on his bike etc etc). Plus he needs to still be part of our family and stop opting out of spending time with us all. He's right, I moaned whn he was in and I moan when he's out. Just don't know how to navigate this stage. Any wisdom?!

Does he have a tv in his bedroom?

You need to pick your battles
You can’t ask him to stay in but then also try to control what content he watches really, I have DC 15 and 16 and I can’t control their content anymore really except porn block on my WiFi, film wise I object to 18’s and they don’t usually go for them but I lost the 15’s battle a long time ago! What is he watching? I mean if it’s netflix what is so bad on there? Just wondering what content he is looking at

Is recommend the book “raising boys” I’m really not sure about the early bits (I think young boys are not different from young girls until we treat them differently) but it has good chapters on puberty and the need to find an identity outside the family and “come of age” in some ways (traditionally this would have been around age 14)

Sounds pretty normal for a 14 year old ... it’s a really tricky age & he will be testing boundaries. Surely the best way to have ‘rules’ is to agree them together. And be realistic not many 14 year olds are going to want to be hanging around with younger siblings. Even years later I can remember tedious family holidays and days out when I was 12/13, certainly by 14 I had opted out of family holidays. But now I have a great relationship with my parents.

If he is doing all his homework & a bit of help around the house does it matter if he is out all day, particularly if you say he asks and always comes home at a sensible time?

Btw I stopped telling my parents anything except what they wanted to hear around age 13 and never fully recovered. I love them but I don’t feel I can be “myself” around them. I’m a bit sad about that.

Ragwort. Your reply has made me. Feel so much better. I just feel like we've lost him and I'm so nervous of getting this wrong. It seems like such a fine balance.

I am not there yet with my kids OP, but the fact you are talking about it to him is hopeful.

Thinking back to my parents, when they set the rules the emphasis was always on safety and respect (both sides). For example, having a curfew, friends staying in the sitting room (or kitchen - we were permeantly hungry) and telling parents where we were. I may not agree with it, but I always understood it. And the consequences if I did push it.

Museumum. We have that book, I'll have to look it out. Long time since I've referred to it. I really do T want to lose him. I want him to talk to us and come back when he's grown up. I would love to be close to my children as adults, I just don't know how you Foster that new relationship.

I love them but I don’t feel I can be “myself” around them. I’m a bit sad about that.

musemum That's so sad for you.

We have a DS the same age and so long as homework/schoolwork are great, I tend to pick my battles. He's very sporty so it helps keep him busy, but when he's here he's not overly interested in us or the younger DS.

I've started to spend time with him doing stuff he loves rather than expecting him to bend to my interests and it's helped; we bike ride together on weeknights or go to a boxing class. He loves the xbox so he's taught me how to play Ark and kick the living shit out of dinosaurs. He's still moody and teenagery at times, and still prefers his friends to me, but he's generally a great kid and I tend to only pick the battles worth picking; manners, kindness and honesty are my main ones. Everything else I can be pretty flexible with.

Op I feel your pain I'm currently going through a similar phase with my nearly 13 year old girl. Not very good advice from me as I'm struggling too. Things that have helped..finding other mums that are having problems and chatting with them, (most of my friends seem to have perfectly well behaved kids which is depressing!) Picking my battles, and not rising to it when she starts arguments. Just trying to be cool really! It's good to work out some rules with him though. Good luck with it all. It is a shock when they suddenly change.

Fudge, he WAS sporty and quoted talented. However, his peers are not so that's dropped by the wayside (gutted by that as it tends to give them a focus and passion and keep them out of trouble). I do need to find something we can do together- so hard when they think you're the most embarassing/boring living thing in earth!! He's doing great at school and his report shows his respect/manners and moral compass are strong. Looks like I need to loosen my hold and let this growing up thing happen

I work with teenagers and everything you've described sounds completely normal for your sons stage of development, OP. He's figuring out who he is, some pushing of boundaries and trying to assert independence is to be expected. His friends are the biggest influence in his life at the moment and the desire to 'belong', to be part of a group, is extremely powerful at this age so of course he's going to want to spend more time with them than his younger siblings and parents. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you all, he's just in the process of figuring out an identity that's separate from you and that's not unhealthy. He comes home when he's supposed to, he's getting good grades and behaving well at school...that suggests you haven't "lost him" at all! He still knows where the line is and generally doesn't cross it which is a lot more than can be said for many lads his age!

I agree with previous posters that sometimes it's about picking your battles. It's bloody hard being a teenager, all those emotions and you haven't learned what to do with them yet! There do still need to be rules and boundaries, just make sure they're consistently applied and try to separate actual defiance/disrespect from normal teenage behaviour.

You sound like a lovely Mum and you're raising a lovely young man who just happens to be at a very tricky age.

Does he have a tv in his bedroom?

None of the kids I work with even watch TV anymore. They watch stuff on Netflix or YouTube on their own devices.

Cheeky. You made me cry a little. Thank you for your lovely and reassuring words. I just wish I knew my time of being his 'mummy' was so short. What I'd do to have all those days again ❤️. Lovely to see who they are becoming - just hope we get this right.

I’d say step back and pick out the things that really matter to you and set them as the basics.
For example, everyone sits at the table together for dinner.
No devices at the table.
We speak to each other as we wish to be spoken to and there are no excuses for bad manners.
Home work before devices.
All devices put down (in x room) at 2000.
Plan one family activity a month that everyone participates in. But be realistic think cinema, trampoline park, go ape rather than peppy pig world or feeding the ducks.
Pick your battles, if they want their bedroom to replicate the local dump then that’s up to them, but any cups etc must be returned to kitchen and only laundry in the laundry basket gets done.

To be fair, if he’s still good at school he’s doing ok. And although he doesn’t want to know you now he will come back to you later.

So tough isn't it @Whosaystwoisokbutmoreisnot ? My DS is older and I've found it hard saying goodbye to the little boy he once was. He's now a 6ft 2, rugby playing social butterfly. He'd far rather be with his friend than us or his little brother ( who's annoying!)!

We have rules, not particularly tough ones, but things like tidying up after himself. We also have our house very open and friendly to his mates. They're always welcome, and I hope to a certain degree that'll help to keep DS a little closer...

My ds is the same age. Like yours he used to constantly want screen time/ PS4. We set time limits for that, which he stuck too (with lots of prompts!) Until the last month most of his socialising was done electronically. Now he’s started going out with mates after school for a couple of hours, and went out all day yesterday too. I’m really happy to see genuine friendships develop for him. Ok, so he’s opted out of cinema/ swimming with me and his siblings (he sheepishly told me it was because it’d seem “not cool” if mates saw him, which I’m fine with!) but he’ll still do the “cool” stuff (jet skis, parasailing) plus he gives me the low down on what’s going on in his life daily while helping with chores etc daily. It’s good to see him grow into his own person. Homework is non negotiable though!

So actually he’s 13?

I think you can afford to be a lot firmer about the all day trips out on his bike - that would be a no from me. A few hours at most, in the same town/villages and with regular calls to update me.

No phones at table - yes.

Time limits on devices.

He’s only 13.

Sometimes it's less about stopping him doing things and more about having fun things which he wants to do with you, he probably is also avoiding his younger siblings as he feels they are little. If you have a games console I suggest it's in a communal area, I also suggest parental controls on Netflix (Max 15 certificate) and bedtime rules on school nights, he's only 14. Introduce something fun like family game night (compulsory unless it's a really specific reason). Try spending time with just him eg something older. With 4 kids he will feel family life is geared towards the younger ones

Sounds completely normal to me. What's the problem really? He goes out and has a good time with friends. He comes back when you ask him to. He enjoys gaming and Netflix when he's home. He's not as malleable as he was. So you've done your job right and he's confident enough to start seeking more independence from you. He wasn't going to sit around playing with his little siblings till he went to uni was he? If he also eats a lot, leaves plates and cups and dirty clothes lying around, grunts when spoken to - yup normal.

Some tips - enjoy meal times, have fun and funny chats and try and check in with him - these are probably going to be your main times to communicate. Get him to help clear the table and wash up pots and pans with his siblings. Take him out in his own - say to the barber, to buy trainers or go to MCdonalds drive in and enjoy side by side chats. Let him volunteer conversation. Boys are better side by side than head on head 'interrogation'. Try and make sure he stays on track with homework.

That's about it. I have a DS nearly 17. I hated him being 13, 14 and 15, he became really rude and grunty. He's better now but still very independent - he's never watching TV or sitting in the same room with others. But he will play racing demons or uno with me now and again after dinner. And chat in the car one to one. And he's a mind of information on the world!

I agree with all that PPs have said but I would want to know where he is 1030am to 730pm. Is he at friends houses? At a park? Hanging around the local area? Do you know his friends? I would encourage him to spend some time out with friends but maybe also invite friends around and spend less time out of the house late in the evenings. Also I would encourage him to get back to sport as it is another way to keep him busy and away from screens while also staying fit and healthy.

Could you consider what he needs but put boundaries in place so that you are comfortable and happy he is safe.
For example, would he allow his phone to be tracked so you can check in on him from a distance to know where he is and that he is somewhere you would consider safe. This would mean you are not in direct contact but have an idea where he is.
Could you agree a code word text or something so if he ever finds himself in a situation where he is not comfortable you will phone and give him an excuse to leave it.
Would you be willing to have a place in your home where he and his friends could come without being disturbed eg at that age my friends garage was kitted out for teens. Meant parents know where you are but you still have own space.
Things like Netflix are your accounts linked so you can check in on his profile and see what he's been watching and make him aware you will be doing this?

Some great ideas, thanks. Looks like we're doing ok. It's me who's struggling with the growing up. Poirot, yes, he's 13.my point exactly. We've gone from 0-60 on the independence and I think he needs to remember he is still young. And we need to navigate this time as to be firm but fair and not put him off us and lose him. He will still talk to us about stuff. For now!

I think quite a few people are thinking of 14 going on 15, which is very different to 13. He is only just a teen.

I said nearly 14 as the rate at which he has changed physically and emotionally is beyond belief. I never realised just how quickly it all happens. He's a very different person to he was when he was 'nearly 13' or even 13 or 13.5!