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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My own hen do?

39 replies

EmilyRuth · 30/06/2019 14:36

Main question: should i bother to plan my own hen do?

So I'm getting married. yay! My fiance and i have lived in this city for about 5 years but are still limited on friends. We’re a bit quiet, in our early 30s, and dont like to drink often (I have stomach issues which makes it extra bad). The group of friends we’re apart of really like to go out and party, and they're really the only girl friends i have in the area. I’ve never felt like i really fit in but i enjoy joining in on things even though i dont always feel totally ‘in’ with the group.

Our wedding will only have 25 guests at the ceremony and everyone from this group will be invited to the after party. I’m not from the UK so most of my family and my few friends wont be in the country until the wedding itself.

So no one has offered to do a hen do and my wedding is in about 2-3 months. I did talk to one of the girls about having something at my house, but I’d have to plan it etc. I would like to have a hen do and feel special etc but i feel like if i have to plan it and try to cater towards other people I’m not to going to “feel special”. My other thought was to just wait until my maid of honour (shes my only ‘maid) gets into town (a few days before the wedding) and we have like a spa day or something. I feel like I’m being a bit childish because i want to have that hen do experience that i see around but then i dont know if i can be bothered to actually plan it and then probably feel awkward through the whole thing. Also we’re quite short on money because of the wedding. I just don't know what to do. Help?

OP posts:

MyOpinionIsValid · 30/06/2019 14:39

I'd fly home for the weekend and see my family and friends and have a party .

Original poster

EmilyRuth · 30/06/2019 15:22

Im from small town NY and i cant afford the ~£600 tickets to get there :(

OP posts:

TheSmallAssassin · 30/06/2019 15:25

What parts of the "hen do experience" do you actually want? Definitely do something that you would enjoy - I think waiting for your maid of honour is the best plan.

ZoeWashburne · 30/06/2019 15:27

A hen do is thrown for you by your friends. It’s pretty bad form to throw your own party where people buy you drinks and celebrate you. Why not do a girls night when your friend is in town before the wedding?

Goldenhorn · 30/06/2019 15:28

I arranged my own hen do! I said from the beginning I wanted to do it myself as I didnt want any one person to have to organise it for me, didnt want people spending too much, and also I have a friends that dont know each other so if I didnt arrange it then people would have been missed out!

It doesn't mean you wont feel special, when I was away for mine a few of us nipped out to the shop for drinks and when I got back the rest had decorated the airbnb for me! That made me feel really special.

If you want a hen do then arrange it yourself, like you say maybe arrange it for a few days before when your friends are over x

Goldenhorn · 30/06/2019 15:30

That should say *a lot of my friends dont know each other! ^^

Pipandmum · 30/06/2019 15:38

Skip it. It seems like you’d be doing it more for your friends than yourself. You can’t afford it, you don’t want to plan it, so why do it?
You could do a spa day or whatever with a couple of friends/family coming over for the wedding if they come a few days early - give you a chance to relax and have proper catch up and gossip before the big day.
But I didn’t have one and don’t regret it one bit.

AyBeeCee10 · 30/06/2019 15:50

I think wait for your MOH to get in and do a spa day or catch up as you would like. A hen do is planned by friends, it's sad to do your own. If your friends didnt think of it then why spend money throwing a party for them.

SunniDay · 30/06/2019 15:51

Perhaps instead of trying to conform to stereotypes of a "hen do" when it doesn't really suit your personality (getting smashed while wearing a veil and L plates) you could think about what you actually like to do with your friends and do that.

Don't arrange to pay for your friends but don't be focused on not paying for yourself and "feeling special" either - a lot of people have their own financial pressures.

You could arrange a BBQ/meal at yours and ask everyone to bring a contribution to the food. E.g you could say I'll buy sausages burgers and buns but contributions to side dishes and puds appreciated. Make it bring your own booze. You could have some ideas for games if people are in the mood.

You could arrange a meal out/afternoon tea/drinks in the pub/ visit somewhere and share travel lodge rooms with the arrangement for people to pay for themselves. Have a think what you fancy and if you can't think of anything ask your friends for ideas but be cautious of people's ideas getting carried away and costs escalating for all.

Round here you can go canoeing on the local river on an organised trip that breaks for a pub lunch. I think it's about £30 inc lunch - those kinds of local, low key but fun things might be nice. Then meet later in the pub?

I turned down being involved in the hen do of an old school friend recently (when i would have liked to go) as they suggested a couple of nights somewhere in the countryside for cooking/drinking/eating/walking but I couldn't afford more than a hundred or so to be spent on this (have a young family) and I could see it costing more than that for the accommodation and then being asked for more as people drop out.

This is an opportunity for you to build stronger bonds with your local friends and perhaps do something slightly different together.

Honeyplop · 30/06/2019 15:51

I arranged my own hen party (with my mum). We just had a garden party and flower crown making. There was no forced 'hen do' experience. Very simple, just afternoon tea, pimms and flowers. Just a nice tea party with some friends and family. I did it because that's what I would enjoy, not everyone else. Don't overthink how other people like to go out out. This is about you! It was cheap (less thank £50), my mum made cakes, I made sandwiches and salads and everyone bought their own flowers for the crowns (I provided ribbon, floral tapes and wire, cost me less than £10 thanks to eBay). I think you'll be surprised that other people would enjoy this kind of thing too. Or how about you and your fiancé do a joint bbq type thing at home?
You could always do it a few days before your wedding when your friends/family are in the country?

RelaisBlu · 30/06/2019 15:52

If you can't afford it and don't want the trouble of organising it, why not just give it a miss and focus on the wedding itself?

SunniDay · 30/06/2019 15:54

When people are commenting that you shouldn't organise your own hen do I don't think they are taking into account that you haven't known your friends that long and don't feel you are overly close. I think it's an opportunity to build bonds.

leiaskye · 30/06/2019 15:55

I arranged my own hen party.

I had 12 people there, but none offered to plan it. They were prepared to travel to Barcelona for the weekend for me, so they must have considered themselves friends but clearly not close enough to actually do that for me (not even my sisters (sob)).

SunniDay · 30/06/2019 16:07

Leiaskye
I don't think many people would relish organising a hen do. Often it's no longer enough to go out in town as we must do bigger and better. So organiser is planning a trip abroad plus activities. Not everyone can afford the trip abroad so a second night out or meal must be planned. People dropping out and organiser going back to people for more cash. People threatening to pull out as they dont want to spend more so organiser paying more themselves. Sounds like a nightmare to me.

Makes the 80s when a top hen do involved getting a tenner off everyone for a surprise stripper in the pub sound like very simple times!

underneaththeash · 30/06/2019 16:11

I arranged my own hen do as well (I was married abroad with just family and didn't have bridesmaids). I'm also a bit fussy and like everything to well organised....oh and I was also pregnant at the time.

Mine was very low key though, basically a nice meal and drinks. I chose somewhere that had good "virgin" cocktails for me.

2015newstart · 30/06/2019 16:13

Definitely wait for your maid of honour- we sound similar and I'm waiting for mine to fly over then going for afternoon tea with her and two other friends. My MOH has arranged a surprise visit somewhere afterwards - could that be a compromise? Although I said what I had in mind my MOH has organised the whole thing, even from another country so I still feel like I'm getting spoilt as I've not had to plan or book anything (I am paying for myself tho!)

Asdfghjklll · 30/06/2019 16:31

You could wait for MOH and do spa day to be pampered then go for dinner after and invite who you want. So low key no organising except booking somewhere but some attention

getwize · 30/06/2019 17:10

what do you mean you want to "feel special"?

ReadMyLipss · 30/06/2019 17:19

So what part of the wedding are these friends actually invited to? You said they're invited to the 'after party'.

If it's just the evening bit then I think it's a bit much to expect one of them to organise and pay out for your hen do.

RobotNews · 30/06/2019 17:22

Why not do something experiential with an option to drink if people want to? Roller skating, zip wire ride with meal, go see a band etc? That way you get to enjoy something with your friends but there’s not so much pressure to drink (although the option is there for those who want to)?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/06/2019 17:30

Ask your MoH whether she would like to do something when she comes? If she’s travelling a long way/spending a lot, that might have an impact on what she’s up for.

I would suggest a night out/afternoon out with your new friends. Make sure it’s clear you’re not paying.

AliceRR · 30/06/2019 17:39

I organised my own hen do. It was a spa weekend with my mum, MIL a few other female relatives and a few friends. I paid for myself ofc and it was really good. I didn’t really have someone to plan it for me (other than a v unreliable friend) but had people who would celebrate with me if that makes sense

DH and I also had a drinks thing together at a bar before the wedding for our male and female friends which was really nice

loveautum · 30/06/2019 17:48

I organised my hen do and just celebrated it yesterday. A friend wanted to organise a spa day but as my actual wedding involves flights and hotel and one of my friends was was worried about a spa day costing lots of £££ given the cost of a wedding / weekend away. I instead decided on a day theme at a local farm shop with a gorgeous haberdashery we had a lady come along and teach us how to make jewellery. We got to choose 5 pieces silver plated and we did the resin part and picked the colours. I'm sure sure if you enjoy crafty things, but I had friends there you enjoy wine and going out and they completely loved it and already want to do it again. We were lucky with the weather and had a picnic with some fizz..

Congratulations on your wedding

loveautum · 30/06/2019 17:51

Sorry loads of typos, was saying not sure if you like doing arts and crafts, but it's an alternative to drinking.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/06/2019 17:57

I organised my own too. I wanted to pick the restaurant etc and didn’t want the costs to fall to the guests as weddings shouldn’t cost much to attend or be part of. It was no less special because I had booked it and we did everything I wanted.

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