Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My own hen do?

39 replies

EmilyRuth · 30/06/2019 14:36

Main question: should i bother to plan my own hen do?

So I'm getting married. yay! My fiance and i have lived in this city for about 5 years but are still limited on friends. We’re a bit quiet, in our early 30s, and dont like to drink often (I have stomach issues which makes it extra bad). The group of friends we’re apart of really like to go out and party, and they're really the only girl friends i have in the area. I’ve never felt like i really fit in but i enjoy joining in on things even though i dont always feel totally ‘in’ with the group.

Our wedding will only have 25 guests at the ceremony and everyone from this group will be invited to the after party. I’m not from the UK so most of my family and my few friends wont be in the country until the wedding itself.

So no one has offered to do a hen do and my wedding is in about 2-3 months. I did talk to one of the girls about having something at my house, but I’d have to plan it etc. I would like to have a hen do and feel special etc but i feel like if i have to plan it and try to cater towards other people I’m not to going to “feel special”. My other thought was to just wait until my maid of honour (shes my only ‘maid) gets into town (a few days before the wedding) and we have like a spa day or something. I feel like I’m being a bit childish because i want to have that hen do experience that i see around but then i dont know if i can be bothered to actually plan it and then probably feel awkward through the whole thing. Also we’re quite short on money because of the wedding. I just don't know what to do. Help?

OP posts:
Original poster
EmilyRuth · 30/06/2019 18:02

They're only invited to the evening because we can only legally fit 25 guests in the ceremony room and we didn't intend to have dinner until my future in laws said we needed to have one so they'd pay for it. So even people who are close friends that we've known for years will only be going to the evening.

The whole international city/ weekend away is a British thing actually. So I definitely don't expect or have the money for something like that. When talking to one of then girls we were thinking like a movie night, soni don't think they'd need to "payout" much.

A day out or experience sounds like a nice idea. The wedding will be in a different city than where we live so I don't think people will be around to do something a few days before.

By "feel special" it would be nice to feel like someone actually ya know.. cares. Like its "my day" type of thing. Or am I miss understanding how hen dos work? Also it's like how AyBeeCee10 and Pipandmum say, I kinda feel like I'd be having it more for them than myself. We tried to have a party once and it bombed so I don't feel confident planning it either. Bla.

OP posts:
Runbitchrun · 30/06/2019 18:03

You’re upset that no one has offered to plan your hen do, but this group that you seem to expect to do it aren’t even invited to your wedding, only the ‘after party’. So why would you expect them to plan a hen do for you? I find that a bit baffling. Personally, I would wait for my maid of honour and do something I enjoy with her. Or plan a meal for everyone.

SrSteveOskowski · 30/06/2019 18:42

Do you want to have a hen because it's something you'd really like or because it's 'part of the wedding experience' and you feel obligated to have one?

I didn't have one when I got married. Numerous reasons really. I'm not a big drinker so I didn't want a night of people falling round pubs pissed with all the stupid willy accompaniments.
My friends were very scattered geographically and I knew some of them couldn't afford to or wouldn't have been able to travel.
DH's vindictive sister would have taken over for the night and made it all about her as usual.

So I didn't have one because I didn't want one.
DH had a stag because he wanted too.
Different strokes, that's all.

Thingsdogetbetter · 30/06/2019 18:50

Organised my own. Couples of friends offered, but I didn't want ott or surprise or, god forbid, something 'experimental'. I got to choose who came, where we went, etc. Had a brilliant dinner and then pub drinks. I was terrified someone else would make it expensive, wacky etc. Hate treasure hunts, matching t-shirts, tiaras, drinking games!

BBBear · 30/06/2019 18:56

Do you even want a hen do? I don’t like being centre of attention so didn’t have one. They’re not obligatory!

Trills · 30/06/2019 19:00

I don't understand this "it's sad to organise your own hen do".

I know what I like.

I know all of my friends (they don't all know each other) and know what they like, their circumstances etc.

Why would I not be involved in organising an event that included lots of my friends who don't know each other?

AliceRR · 30/06/2019 19:31

You’re upset that no one has offered to plan your hen do, but this group that you seem to expect to do it aren’t even invited to your wedding, only the ‘after party’. So why would you expect them to plan a hen do for you?

I kind of agree with this depending on what the evening do entails.

Is the evening that your friends are invited to a proper meal / catered / are you providing drinks? Or is it just a party where they buy their own drinks at the bar and a maybe a bit of food. If so I wouldn’t expect them to have offered to plan your hen do tbh.

Like I and other PPs have said though you can still plan your own

SuzieQ10 · 30/06/2019 23:07

I wouldn't bother. I doubt you'll end up feeling special, probably just uncomfortable.
And these friends aren't invited to the main bit of the wedding.. so you can't really expect them to join in with a hen do. Personally I don't go to Hen parties unless I'm invited to the wedding.. and even then sometimes I decide not to if it's not a close friend, as I don't like hen dos much.

Original poster
EmilyRuth · 01/07/2019 07:17

I think your right. It'll just be awkward. This group isn't invited to the main wedding ceremony bit since family takes up a surprisingly large amount of space.

Yesterday I asked my MOH if she would be up for a spa day and she's offered to plan something for me. So thankfully the pressure is off a bit. I think I was just getting caught up in the whole "this is how it traditionally works" type of thing and feeling obligated to a "normal" wedding thing with this group of friends. I want to be considered "normal" with these girls because I try to avoid hitting the level of drinking/partying they consider normal. Since I'm not totally traditional, moving about for a few years and then we started out planning for a very small wedding, it doesn't really support the whole normal hen do thing. I hope that made sense.

Thank you everyone for your comments!

OP posts:
Original poster
EmilyRuth · 01/07/2019 07:20

They will be getting a pork roast (fiance was obsessed with this for some reason) and some sort of dessert but we won't be paying for anyone's drinks other than some bottles on the table.

OP posts:
Pinkfinkle · 01/07/2019 07:28

You don’t need a hen do, especially considering you’re not even a keen drinker. I’d just skip it, the spa day sounds nice.

VivienneHolt · 01/07/2019 07:31

I doubt anyone will offer because it’s always something the bridal party does, but you could always ask a small group of them if they would? I would happily help under those circumstances.

Snidpan · 01/07/2019 07:33

YANBU

AliceRR · 01/07/2019 16:26

Spa day will be nice for you OP. Good luck with it all x

New posts on this thread. Refresh page