What to do now.

[Aliceinwonder1]

I'm a long time lurker but this is the first time I've posted. I need some advice really from someone that doesn't know me or my husband.
He does get quite grumpy and moody for no apparent reason sometimes, it frustrates me hugely as he takes it out on me really, verbally. So I get the brunt of his annoyance, told I'm the one causing it etc. He usually ends up stropping up to the bedroom, watches TV then comes down later and to be honest expects everything to be fine with a sorry. If I do stay angry or tell him it's not on etc he will say I'm causing something so I tend not to bother as not really worth it.
So this morning he's been grumpy, not sure why but if I ask get told he's fine so to be honest i now take that at face value.
However we came home a few hours ago and he went into the house, I took out 2 kids out the car and went inside also.
He got angry that I did this and told me he only came in to check we had food for dinner and he said we would be going back out to get the rest. I didnt hear this and told him so. He started saying I was pissing him off and he didn't know what my problem was. So I said I've done nothing wrong and simply didn't hear him. He then started muttering under his breath and went upstairs. Fine, I stayed down with the kids.
He came down later and instantly went oh you going to be happy now. So I relied there was nothing wrong with me and it was him in a grump. Started playing some lego with the kids. He kept going on about how I was acting so I told him quite bluntly to be fair, that I was fed up of him getting in a strop, going upstairs then expecting everything to be fine when he came back down and I didn't want yo talk to him right now as I was going something.
He lost it, kicked the lego we were building (in front of the kids too), walked over to the door swearing and punched it then told me to fuck off, he has a shit family and he wishes I would just fuck off.
Then went upstairs.
To be honest i was shocked, kind of sat there for a second then gathered the kids. Was going to take them out however he then went out the house. He had some sort of clothes in his hand but don't know what.
I went upstairs (for a cry away from the kids quite honestly) and could see a bag on the bed with some clothes in it but he hadn't taken it.
No clue where he's gone or if he will be back. I'm tempted to pack a bag myself and go to my grandparents as they're away and I have a key so wouldn't have to explain everything to someone but feel that would be the wrong thing to do.
So what do I do from here? He has always had a temper, but it's always been verbal so not like this. I was actually scared and I don't like that feeling but I am quite certain if he comes back he will blame me so was I in the wrong not to want to talk about it there and then because he decided?
The kids have asked why I'm sad and why daddy kicked their toy.
The eldest has said perhaps daddy doesn't want to be a family anymore. I've done my best to do the whole it's all OK type thing but actually I have no clue what will happen now!

You LTB he's a bad tempered disgusting man child and your children deserve better than living with this utter twat as a role model. Go to your grandparents and let him be in a mood about that. Life is too short for this shit OP

I'm so sorry. I had a husband who did this. His level of aggression escalated and he became very violent. He hit me in front of the children, too.

After many of these incidents I left him, but with the children it became very difficult to do this. I used to go back and he would apologise, then the whole thing would start up again.

Eventually I took the children and left. I went to my sister's and got an injunction.

I wish I'd done it years earlier, to be honest. Ask yourself this - is it worth trying to keep a relationship going with someone who you have to walk on eggshells around?

www.womensaid.org has a lot of excellent advice.

Or you can phone 0808 2000 247

Bloody hell im pleased I’m a single parent and don’t have shitty weekends like this anymore

Sorry. It's

www.womensaid.org.uk

You'll get some amazing advice from more experienced posters but I wanted to just say you shouldn't have to cope with a man like this.

He's making you unhappy, the kids unhappy and he's clearly unhappy.

He lost it, kicked the lego we were building (in front of the kids too), walked over to the door swearing and punched it then told me to fuck off, he has a shit family and he wishes I would just fuck off.

This is awful, awful behaviour. On so many levels. He has a temper and clearly has no self control, I would worry his temper will escalate.

How would you feel about asking telling him to leave? He's unhappy anyway, and it would give you a breather.

End the relationship!!!

He is an entitled prick that believes he can behave how he wants when he wants and will never take responsibility for his behaviour or actions. You are expected to acquiesce him.

What a disgusting man. Dont give him a chance and leave@Aliceinwonder1

At 27 my ds still has therapy for anger management after living with such a df until he was just 6....
Ltb before your dc are truly damaged.
I wish I had left a lot sooner.

I know if I was on the outside of this I would be saying exactly the same as above. Which frankly makes me cry, he can be so lovely (I know that sounds so cliché I really do). I've always said to myself that if his temper ever escalated I'd leave. But i didn't ever think it would. There's a part of me that says what happens if next time he loses it he hits me, or God forbid one of the kids.
Ive spoken to him about his temper before especially with the kids as depending what mood he's in it can be very short. He's got loads better honestly. But these moods he goes in dictate the whole day and how we all are. I dont want to be treading on eggshells nor the kids but I'm not sure leaving straight away is the best thing. They would lose their dad and the eldest especially is all about daddy!
I just know he'd be so difficult about it all too. And I have nowhere to go, no real close friends and my family isn't really there either.
I'm sat in the garden with the kids playing wondering how he can feel his family is shit. It makes me so incredibly sad to hear.

He left the bag for you to see so that you think he was/is planning to leave.

I would finish packing it for him, along with his other stuff, but realise it is not that easy for you. Do think about how to get rid of him from your life though.

Do people change? Can a person control their temper if they decide to do so?
The house isn't mine and he's more entitled to stay in it than me so it would have to be me who went. He's said in passing conversations before (when discussing relevant things not just him trying to scare me) that he'd be allowed to keep the house (military) and he'd also fight for the kids.
We haven't really had rows in ages as I usually let the moods go and I so wish I had this time as its because I got snippy back that it all escalated.
He has made me very aware in the past of my shortfalls and to be honest i dont really know what I'd do without him emotionally but also practically, he deals with the money, cars etc. I have quite bad anxiety(which no one actually knows) and really struggle to make decisions in case I'm wrong. These can be tiny ones in grand scheme of life. I know that annoys him and he likes days set out exactly what we're doing and for me to take charge. But when I try my ideas are wrong so feel i can't win.
I bet today all stems from us doing something this morning I wanted to do which I offered to go alone or take the kids and him stay at home but he insisted on coming. But i reckon that would be a trigger today.

They won't lose their dad if he really is a good parent - he will maintain regular contact and still play a large part in their lives. If not and he dicks about then they are better off. One thing is sure, carry g on with the status quo is not a sensible choice

You can't live your life on eggshells, something has to change. Pack his bag. When he comes back give it to him and tell him he's not coming back until he gets treatment for his anger issues. "I love you but you're not safe to be with" if you're feeling kind.

Sorry just saw your update. He won't 'get the kids'. At most it would be 50/50 and quite likely he wouldn't want them that much anyway. What childcare would he put in place? All the practicalities might seem overwhelming but Can be managed, one step at a time. And do not blame yourself. It is not your fault for provoking him.

Stop making excuses for this man’s behaviour. Seriously, what does he need to do that will make you realise this is a truly awful environment to bring up the children. No this didn’t escalate because you got snippy. You cannot be the subservient female - what message are you sending to your children when you accept living like this? None of this is your fault but if you stay you are allowing him to go on with this abusive behaviour. Contact Women’s Aid - if you let this go then I’m sorry but his future behaviour are only going to escalate.

Sadly you are excusing and minimising...

OP, it's not what you want to hear, but you have to get out. For your children if not yourself.

Darling, they all say they'll take the kids.

The reality is that they say this to make us worry that they might be right. They are not right. They will get 50% access.

I am sure that his behaviour will escalate. You're not happy. You have more right to the home than he has. Tell him to move out.

If you don't want to do that, please contact Women's Aid for advice on going forward with this.

You and the children deserve better than this.

This isn't him having a temper. It's manufactured rage to scare and intimidate you into doing what he wants. It's coercive control and he is in complete control of himself. This is how he wants things to be.

Freedom Programme can help you make sense of it all, including the impact it's had on you and the children, how they and you will heal after leaving (when you're ready) and what a healthy relationship would have looked like.

They won't judge you, won't tell you to leave, and won't even ask you to share anything about yourself. It's an information course, not therapy, but they're supportive and it's all confidential. The group course is free to attend or there is an online version for a small charge (£10), but I would recommend the group if you can.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

This isn't about any of the things you supposedly do wrong, it's about his desire to feel powerful by controlling you and making you walk on eggshells. You could spend the rest of your life trying to be perfect according to what he kicked off about today, but he will keep changing the goalposts so that you've always done something wrong.

That feeling you have of walking on eggshells will be shared by your children. As children, they don't have the perspective you have and their only way to make sense of what's happening is that it's their fault and because they did something wrong. That's just how children understand the world and is most likely driving their worries about him not wanting to be a family - they're scared it's something they've done.

Protecting them from growing up in an abusive, volatile home where they can never relax or feel safe because they never know what will make dad explode at someone is the most important thing here.

Be clear with them that it wasn't their fault and how he behaved was wrong. They won't benefit if you try to cover up for him. It will just confuse them.

Allow yourself to grieve for the life you dreamed you were going to have with him. I'm really sorry, because he won't get better and you can't change him.

Life does get better once you're not living like this anymore, but you need to be ready to make the change first. Consider starting with the Freedom Programme - doesn't mean you have to leave, it's just information gathering and then you decide what you want to do with what you learn.

I have quite bad anxiety(which no one actually knows) and really struggle to make decisions in case I'm wrong.

But when I try my ideas are wrong so feel i can't win.

Do you see that he is the creator of your anxiety? It's the result of enduring prolonged abuse at his hands. Anybody would be anxious about making decisions when living with somebody who behaves like he does and is so unpredictable.

He has done that to you deliberately to make you too afraid to contemplate leaving.

When you're free of his abuse your anxiety will have the chance to heal. It won't be instant as it will take you time to adjust, but it will never heal as long as he is there driving it.

The way he treats you is not how people treat those they love. If he loved you he would nurture you, build you up, encourage you and be thrilled when you succeeded. He wouldn't be breaking you down on purpose.

Your anxiety wouldn’t be half as bad if you weren’t living with a bully.

Your post is excuse after excuse. Understandable, but completely unfair.

Your child has said their daddy doesn’t want to be a family because of what he said and did in front of them.

I’m not even gong to say next time could be worse.

He made his children feel like they’re shit, like he doesn’t want them.

“Eldest is all about her daddy”. But he’s not all about her, is he?

How said that she’ll grow up hero-worshipping a man who treats her and her mother like utter shit.

Then she’ll learn that that’s how men treat women and she won’t expect more for herself.

And the cycle will continue.

You owe it to yourself not to stay. But you’re an adult. If you stay, that’s your choice.

Your children don’t have a choice. You’ll be forcing them to live in that environment, with that man, and those tempers for the entirety of their young lives.

Then you’ll have to hope and pray that your choices haven’t conditioned them to stay with men who treat them as badly, or worse.

They don’t deserve that.

Just give yourself some space for a couple of days, go to your grandparents and give yourself time to think.

Just because he currently deals with everything doesn't mean you are not capable of it. Everyone on here can help, you can guarantee whatever you want help with, be it preparing a spreadsheet for balancing your finances or the ins and outs of car insurance to the more emotive things like helping you manage leaving etc. you will get advise.

But for now you need time. You had every right to get snippy and you do not come across as happy, this is probably causing much of your anxiety.

Good luck

walked over to the door swearing and punched it then told me to fuck off, he has a shit family and he wishes I would just fuck off.

Nope. No one speaks to someone they give a shit about like that. And hitting a door near you, that's a threat. I'd be out of there like a shot and I'd be filing for divorce, from a safe distance.

Hi op, you say he is military and that you will be unable to ask him to leave as it is a married quarter. This is untrue, you can ask him to leave and he will be rehomed in the lines. You will then be able to get help through your families office and they will help rehome you or allow you to stay in your quarter temporarily, saafa will also be able to help as well. There is always ways out of you need them. X