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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What to do now.

50 replies

Aliceinwonder1 · 30/06/2019 12:34

I'm a long time lurker but this is the first time I've posted. I need some advice really from someone that doesn't know me or my husband.
He does get quite grumpy and moody for no apparent reason sometimes, it frustrates me hugely as he takes it out on me really, verbally. So I get the brunt of his annoyance, told I'm the one causing it etc. He usually ends up stropping up to the bedroom, watches TV then comes down later and to be honest expects everything to be fine with a sorry. If I do stay angry or tell him it's not on etc he will say I'm causing something so I tend not to bother as not really worth it.
So this morning he's been grumpy, not sure why but if I ask get told he's fine so to be honest i now take that at face value.
However we came home a few hours ago and he went into the house, I took out 2 kids out the car and went inside also.
He got angry that I did this and told me he only came in to check we had food for dinner and he said we would be going back out to get the rest. I didnt hear this and told him so. He started saying I was pissing him off and he didn't know what my problem was. So I said I've done nothing wrong and simply didn't hear him. He then started muttering under his breath and went upstairs. Fine, I stayed down with the kids.
He came down later and instantly went oh you going to be happy now. So I relied there was nothing wrong with me and it was him in a grump. Started playing some lego with the kids. He kept going on about how I was acting so I told him quite bluntly to be fair, that I was fed up of him getting in a strop, going upstairs then expecting everything to be fine when he came back down and I didn't want yo talk to him right now as I was going something.
He lost it, kicked the lego we were building (in front of the kids too), walked over to the door swearing and punched it then told me to fuck off, he has a shit family and he wishes I would just fuck off.
Then went upstairs.
To be honest i was shocked, kind of sat there for a second then gathered the kids. Was going to take them out however he then went out the house. He had some sort of clothes in his hand but don't know what.
I went upstairs (for a cry away from the kids quite honestly) and could see a bag on the bed with some clothes in it but he hadn't taken it.
No clue where he's gone or if he will be back. I'm tempted to pack a bag myself and go to my grandparents as they're away and I have a key so wouldn't have to explain everything to someone but feel that would be the wrong thing to do.
So what do I do from here? He has always had a temper, but it's always been verbal so not like this. I was actually scared and I don't like that feeling but I am quite certain if he comes back he will blame me so was I in the wrong not to want to talk about it there and then because he decided?
The kids have asked why I'm sad and why daddy kicked their toy.
The eldest has said perhaps daddy doesn't want to be a family anymore. I've done my best to do the whole it's all OK type thing but actually I have no clue what will happen now!

OP posts:

VivienneHolt · 30/06/2019 15:08

This isn’t him failing to control his temper - this is him manufacturing a fight because he wants you to be so scared of him that you don’t ever challenge him or stand up to him.

He says he will fight for the kids but that doesn’t mean he will get them.

Please leave this vile man who is abusing you and frightening your children

FenellaMaxwell · 30/06/2019 15:17

Did it never occur to you that perhaps you have anxiety because you live with such an angry, abusive man...?

Staying with someone because they sort out the car is not a valid reason to expose your children to this kind of behaviour.

pigsDOfly · 30/06/2019 15:20

When I was married my exh dealt with everything as well because he was and is, someone who likes to control things; even down to being the one to fill my car every time it needed petrol.

When he left - we'd been married for 20 years - I was also fearful of not being able to manage things on my own. But you know what, it's a lot easier than you think. As stupid as it sound, the first time after he left that I put petrol in my car felt like an enormous mile stone for me.

I was also very anxious all the time when we where married and had IBS, but after he left my IBS disappeared almost overnight.

He also threatened to take the children; he was going to get one of his doctor friends to claim that I was mentally unstable (not true) and I'd never see them again, apparently. Didn't happen, and he actually hardly saw them unless I took them to his flat for what would only ever be a couple of hours.

For a long time, I too worried that he could carry out the threat to take the children.

You can live a life with your DCs in which you are not treading on eggshells around him, and your children don't have to witness his awful behavour.

He isn't being a good husband or father and your children will be affected by living in that sort of atmosphere. In fact he sounds very unhappy as well and I suspect your eldest child hit the nail on the head with the not wanting to be a family comment.

Go to your GPs' house with the children and give yourself some breathing space.

You need to decide what sort of future you want for you and your children. And you need to stop making excuses for this man.

humblesims · 30/06/2019 15:29

these moods he goes in dictate the whole day and how we all are
Fuck that shit.
And, no people like that dont change.
I know it seems like an impossible task to leave but just take it one step at a time with the good advice given here and from womens aid and the services families thing.
Do not let this arsehole dictate your life for a moment longer.

Wallywobbles · 30/06/2019 15:44

Really sort your shot out now.

Pack some stuff for you and the kids. Inform his boss what's going on if you are military because they will organize counseling etc for him and a flea in his ear at the least.

Go to your grandparents and start learning about the other stuff ie finances, bills etc. None of it is particularly complicated but you will need all the passports, birth certificates etc.

Dont even think about it. Write a list and just work your way through it. Take back the power you have.

I'll take the kids is the go to phrase/threat of every abusive man ever.

mumwon · 30/06/2019 15:48

if the house is military I remember someone on mmn saying contact welfare on your husbands camp (??station whatever) hq for help explain what happened - sadly I don't imagine you would be the first or last military wife
aff.org.uk/advice/family-life/domestic-abuse/
please read this- abuse isn't just physical, its emotional control etc

mumwon · 30/06/2019 15:49

blow moving out : change locks & report in the morning - he wants to frighten you & devalue

FelixFelicis6 · 30/06/2019 15:50

I don’t have specific advice, but life is too fucking short to put up with this shit. What if your children tell others that daddy kicked their Lego over in anger?

Tallgreenbottle · 30/06/2019 15:53

Pack his bag. Throw it on the porch. Lock the front door. Call the police/womens aid.

You need to be the brave one here for now, OP. He is an abusive prick and if you let him back in you are exposing your children to that.

I was that child. I entirely blame my mother. Because she was too selfish to try and be strong and throw my Dad out.

Tallgreenbottle · 30/06/2019 15:54

Oh and you have rights to stay in the quarters OP. He will be relocated, not you.

VeryImportantTests · 30/06/2019 15:55

My father was like your husband. I spent my childhood wishing my mum would leave him. They’re still together and I swing between pity and disgust that she never got rid of him. He’s ever so charming in public though. No one outside the house would guess how he behaves. I have my own children now and have moved my family as far away from them as I can. Just for another perspective.

FelixFelicis6 · 30/06/2019 16:03

@mumwon that’s bad advice...

pigsDOfly · 30/06/2019 16:14

The whole military support systems sounds amazingly helpful. You should take advantage of it and get you and your child into a better situation.

Quartz2208 · 30/06/2019 16:14

Yes I suspect he has told you your shortfalls so much that you believe them to be true, it has meant that you feel you are reliant on him emotionally. He is causing your anxiety

Take them to your grandparents

pigsDOfly · 30/06/2019 16:26

*you and your children that should be, not child.

SunniDay · 30/06/2019 16:40

Hi OP,
Could he have depression or PTSD linked to his military career. Is he under a lot of stress? I am not excusing his behaviour but if so he might benefit from counselling/medication. Perhaps you could insist he sees a Dr (whether or not you kick him out).

Original poster

Aliceinwonder1 · 30/06/2019 17:43

Thank you all. So he came back and apologised to the kids which is good. Also to me and said he is just having a bad day. However hasn't really done anything else. Told me he will be upstairs if I want to talk. And he's spent the time upstairs whilst I'm downstairs with the kids...I did make dinner as normal as obviously kids need to eat. He came down and ate it. Said sorry again and has gone back upstairs. When he said sorry at dinner he basically said he is sorry for reacting that way and it was wrong which I told him he was. But I'm still angry and its made it worse that I feel he hasn't even really tried to make it better in my view.
I packed a bag earlier for me and the girls so am going to go to my grandparents house for tonight at least. I can't talk to anyone about it right now to be honest.
To the person saying he may have ptsd... He definitely doesn't. He was only saying the other week how good his job is etc and he hasn't been away for a long time now due to the nature of his job. And quite frankly his job is quite chushy currently.. Im quite jealous lol

OP posts:

FairyBatman · 30/06/2019 17:54

You need to talk to SSAFA or your families officer about your rights. I am fairly sure that if you throw him out you can stay in your quarter for a while, and under the Armed Forces Covenant you should be a high priority for civvy rehousing in either the local area or another area where you have strong ties.

He could just be an arsehole, he could have PTSD or there could be something else going on, ultimately if he is behaving violently in the home and making you and your children afraid it doesn’t matter what the root cause is.

You are stronger than you realise.

Nautiloid · 30/06/2019 18:01

He's abusive. That's the simple truth.

Original poster

Aliceinwonder1 · 30/06/2019 18:02

I dont think he has ptsd or anything like that. He's always had a temper, the only other person who understands just how he can be verbally as he can be pretty nasty now I look back is his mum. Unfortunately she lives way too far away and I don't want to involve her anyway because essentially she is his mum not mine.
I don't know what's going to happen next in terms of separating or not right now. However I do want to gather my thoughts away from him so he can't try and talk me round easily. I admit I am quite a pushover usually so it's been done many times before.
And I do feel i need to say (not condoning this) but this is the first time he's ever been like this since having kids. And it's only me that he can be quite mean too, not the kids. I know that doesn't make it completely OK but that's the truth. They've never witnessed anything before and both seem perfectly fine. And were with him when he came back home.
Its me he always seems to have an issue with. He says he loves me etc and is lucky as I do lots for him and put him first etc... But when he's on one he can be vile, telling me I'm boring as I don't have hobbies, no drive etc. And he's right, I don't really i am quite content with my life on the whole. But he wants me to be into the same stuff a him and 'better myself' which with 2 young kids I just don't have the energy to do on top of working currently.

OP posts:

FairyBatman · 30/06/2019 18:04

Even if you aren’t ready to make a decision, there’s no harm in finding out where you stand...

PositiveVibez · 30/06/2019 18:20

He isn't 'lovely sometimes'. That is an act he pulls so you remember that he's 'not all bad, he can be nice when he wants to be', to keep you there.

What he REALLY is, is the abusive, nasty, grumpy arsehole that you are talking about.

I can only imagine the kids must have been scared.

This abuse will escalate as the kids get older and ALL of you (apart for the twat husband), will live your lives trying to keep this bastards remper from erupting.

Your kids will think that this is a normal relationship because they know no better and will repeat this pattern.

Please leave this horrible bastard before he ruins all your lives. If not for yourself, for your children. What kind of life are they going to have growing up in this toxic environment.

IvanaPee · 30/06/2019 18:37

You’re still setting an example for your kids though.

And he’s escalating. You absolutely cannot be sure that he won’t start in on the children.

LittleFairywren · 01/07/2019 01:58

The real him is the nasty one I'm afraid.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 01/07/2019 02:51

If I were you that man would have been spitting out legos from his mouth for a week. How dare he act that way to you and your children! Kick him out, tell him to get counseling quick or be done with him. You not your children can stay in that environment. He is abusive.

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