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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dare to hope he could love me?

41 replies

BigBillyBob · 29/06/2019 23:09

I’m at the point where I’m about to give up on a guy who I’m very very attracted to. I’m wondering if in giving up on him and the prospect of ever being with him, I’ll give off vibes that will turn things around.

Did you ever have a guy chase after you or declare his feelings for you after you had finally given up hope? Did it work out?

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Mommmytobe19 · 29/06/2019 23:10

Well I assume your giving up because he isn’t giving you anything back. I’d just cut my losses and find someone who will worship you without having to play games beforehand

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 29/06/2019 23:14

Yes definitely. But it doesn't matter the point that you are worth more. Better things are out there for you.

Original poster
BigBillyBob · 29/06/2019 23:14

He gives a lot back but never quite follows through all the way. I’m fed up of it. I feel like his secret.

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Sunshine93 · 29/06/2019 23:14

sorry op but I think if he was into you he would be acting on it now not waiting for you to play hard to get. If a person is really into you I don't think they are put off by you liking them back unless you are particularly needy or clingy.

Original poster
BigBillyBob · 29/06/2019 23:15

Namechangeforthiscancershit please can you tell me what happened?

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Sunshine93 · 29/06/2019 23:15

have you asked him for a clear answer on how he feels?

Original poster
BigBillyBob · 29/06/2019 23:17

Sunshine93, he’s a realist and I’m a romantic. He sees the barriers so would rather keep the status quo. I’m just wondering if I walk away whether he’ll step up?

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Original poster
BigBillyBob · 29/06/2019 23:19

Sunshine93 no because we’re friends and I don’t want to ruin a great friendship for nothing. But I’m pretty sure he at least suspects if not knows.

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Merryoldgoat · 29/06/2019 23:20

Yes, we’re married now.

But this is irrelevant to your relationship.

What obstacles? In what way doesn’t he follow through.

You’ll have to forgive me if I’m wrong, but is he attached elsewhere? I don’t know why but I’m getting the vibe this isn’t a straightforward relationship.

Original poster
BigBillyBob · 29/06/2019 23:27

He basically acts in a way that is more than just friends but less than lovers. The amount of contact. The remembering all the little yet important things. The loving things he does for me. But he holds back. No kisses. No sex. I’ve had enough now but just wondering how he’ll react.

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Original poster
BigBillyBob · 29/06/2019 23:29

Merryoldgoat what happened in your case? I know you think it’s irrelevant but it would help to know.

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Merryoldgoat · 29/06/2019 23:41

We met at a hobby and became very friendly very quickly. I developed feelings for him but he said he wasn’t interested.

I said ‘fair enough’ (obviously truncating the story somewhat!) and moved on. I didn’t cut contact and we had lots of mutual friends but I stopped texting him and being available as I didn’t want to get hurt,

I saw him at a party about 2 months after he said he wasn’t keen and we had a nice catch up and I was pleased as I had liked him a lot and wanted to remain friendly. I had also just started to see someone’s else but I’m talking the earliest of early days - not even kissed the other bloke.

I went home and woke up to voicemail left around 2am (pissed) saying he needed to talk to me. We went for a drink that week and he told me he was wrong, that he did like me, he’d been scared and he wanted to go out with me.

We’ve been together since that night which was 14 years ago. We’ve been married 8 years and have 2 children.

The thing is, there was no protracted nonsense which can suck with your head - it was very ‘I don’t like you, sorry I do actually’ and that was it.

No prevaricating and angst etc.

He was very clear both times and that made all the difference.

We were going out immediately - friends knew, he told his family (who I’d already met), he wanted to see me etc.

Any woolly nonsense and I’d have told him where to go.

HappyNOTdriving · 29/06/2019 23:43

Are you actually in a romantic relationship or are you friends and either he knows you have feelings for him or you have both said you have feelings for each other but are still in a friendship only?

My experience is someone either wants to be in a romantic relationship or they don't and if they do not much will stop them from going for it.

Much more common is one person does but the other actually doesn't.
The thing is though is that they care enough about the person who does in a friendship way that they don't want to hurt the others feelings or lose the friendship so they aren't brace enough to actually tell them they do not want to be in a romantic relationship, hoping that eventually the other person just stops trying for it and they can go back to friendship and no one ever mentions it again.

Merryoldgoat · 29/06/2019 23:44

What conversations have you had about your feelings? What has he actually said?

This is a massive generalisation I know, but I’m yet to meet a bloke who hasn’t been able to tell a woman he likes them if he does. Which is why whenever I hear about the angsty men I start thinking they’re just not that into it.

Original poster
BigBillyBob · 29/06/2019 23:48

Ahh that’s lovely Merryoldgoat. Thanks for sharing it.

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Original poster
BigBillyBob · 29/06/2019 23:50

HappyNOTdriving we’re just friends. Either he likes me too or it’s the situation you describe. I.e., he really likes me as a friend and doesn’t want to hurt me.

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Original poster
BigBillyBob · 29/06/2019 23:57

Merryoldgoat neither of us has really said anything about our feelings for the other one. It’s all left unsaid. But we’re very close and became really close almost from the moment we met.

He asked me a few months ago if I have fancied anyone in the last year. I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t want to ruin the friendship. So I said maybe. He wanted to know more and I said I didn’t think it was relevant then I changed the subject.

Then he was telling me about a male friend of his who is going abroad to do charity work for 6 months. I asked if he has a family? No. I said maybe he’ll meet someone out there. He said he’s given up looking. I said that that’s the best time to meet someone who is a really good fit, when you’re not looking. He wanted to know if that has happened to me. Again I was a bit vague.

There’s masses of chemistry but he’s never taken a risk for me.

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Original poster
BigBillyBob · 29/06/2019 23:58

I’m yet to meet a bloke who hasn’t been able to tell a woman he likes them if he does I agree which is why I’m a hair’s breadth away from walking away.

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BitOfFun · 29/06/2019 23:59

Life is not a Jane Austen novel, sadly.

Original poster
BigBillyBob · 30/06/2019 00:00

No it’s not. If I walk away then it would probably be forever and he probably wouldn’t come chasing after me if he’s a cowardly man (or if he just doesn’t fancy me).

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pallisers · 30/06/2019 00:06

I think I would walk away. I might declare my hand to him first just on the off change - say "look I am actually attracted to you. If you are too why don't we try it out as a romantic relationship. If not, then I think we should stop meeting so much".

I hate to say it but I doubt very much he is suffering from a deep passion for you that he is afraid to say. More likely is that he likes you a lot but isn't certain about a romantic relationship with you.

I'm no expert but I suspect you are trying to preserve the friendship because you want to maintain close contact with him in the hope he will finally fall in love with you and declare himself. Honestly, you would probably be better without this friendship right now - it is stopping you being content and potentially stopping you meeting someone who would fall head over heels for you.

For what it is worth I did have someone chase after me when I had decided he wasn't interested and moved on - but we were 18/19, in college, had mixed up our signals like love's young dream (and it ended 3 months later anyway)

Merryoldgoat · 30/06/2019 00:07

So there are a few possibilities:

  1. He’s planning on making a move because he likes you.
  1. He’s hoping you’ll make a move because he likes you.
  1. He isn’t interested in romance with you.

You have nothing to lose by having a proper conversation.

Go out for a drink, make yourself look/feel nice, tell him that you’ve got feelings for him and see what he says,

He says no, so what? At least you know. It’s hurtful and hard to hear it but much better to know so you can move on.

Alternatively it could be the start of something great!

pallisers · 30/06/2019 00:08

Or you could use the line used on a friend of mine years back. Next time you are meeting up in a pub look at him and say "is this a date? This should be a date." and see what he says (friend said yes let's make it a date - broke up 3 months later :))

Original poster
BigBillyBob · 30/06/2019 00:12

I think you’re right. I’m preserving the friendship in case he realises how he feels about me later! But I have honestly never had a friendship like this before. It’s amazing. To lose that would be horrendous.

I could tell him how I feel but I don’t know if I’m brave enough. I wouldn’t even know how to phrase it. Wouldn’t he be upset to know that I have kept this quiet for so long? I’m so scared he’d back off and make out like it has all been one sided, whereas he has been flirting with me too.

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Original poster
BigBillyBob · 30/06/2019 00:13

Ha I like that line pallisers

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