Narc mother & wedding

[blueberry25]

My mum was emotionally abusive throughout my childhood and her husband was physically abusive. I spent a year in an adolescent psychiatric hospital and then further admissions into adult psych hospitals and suffered with complex ptsd.

When I had my first child I was advised to cut her out of my life but I really wanted a mother-daughter relationship. After 5 years of this and frequently falling out, I am really at my wits end. My flashbacks have come back, I have been having vivid nightmares and have awful anxious stomach upset.

I'm getting married in about a month and she has become jealous of some of the other guests coming to the wedding, she wants special treatment and wants me to make sure that everybody knows that she is the MOTB. She made a big deal out of her outfit and decided to get the pink of the colour scheme. She came over to my house and had a complete breakdown and kept saying that she feels like the poor relations?! Etc. A lot of this seems to be in her head and she is very insecure. I pretty much begged her to go back on anti depressants and when we fell out, she went and got some. She keeps saying that I am leaving her out when I'm not... I have included her in the bridal prep, booked a hotel for us and bridesmaids, invited her friends, ordered her a corsage and seat tags for her only etc.

We tried repairing our relationship again and I invited her along to the make up and hair trial. My bridesmaids, my mother and I all had our trails. When my MOH drove us there the whole time in the car, my mum spoke of herself and kept telling stories. When we drove through a town she said 'this is where I was really ill the other year and I felt like I was going to die, I was so cold and shivering'. My newborn daughter was actually the one hospitalised at the same time she was ill (they both had the same sort of infection) and my daughter had to stay in hospital for a week on oxygen with yucky stuff taken out of her stomach and the whole time my daughter was ill, my mum only moaned about herself.

Anyway, when we arrived, the topics my mum talked to the make up artist and hair stylist about (while I was sat there trying to enjoy myself with my friends) were her being unable to breastfeed me but her golden child (my brother) was perfect at feeding, also stories about how we nearly died at birth and then she couldn't bond with me and my dad and nan took over. Also going into detail about my brothers illnesses and how he could die within a year (he's actually stable atm but upsetting topic) and then when they were talking about eyelashes she kept bleating on about how my brothers eyelashes are beautiful and when he was younger her friends thought he was gorgeous etc. Then she brought up my nans death which was also upsetting and basically ruined my trial. She completely embarrassed me and made it about herself.

When we got back to my house, I tried to talk to her in a nice and calm manner and told her that I don't want her to get upset but what she spoke about really upset me and I felt awkward and embarrassed. She started crying and saying she's an open book and that's the way she is. She said I need to stop using her as a punch bag. Then she said that she is (not meaning it really) sorry for not being perfect like my fiancé's family and my ex husbands mother (I'm really close with her still and she is such a good friend my mum is very nasty about her though - this lady took me in when my mum made me homeless and I got raped. She picked me up when I was really down.

Finally, my mum said she will not come to the wedding and stormed out while I started crying. I said she could come if she does not talk about negative & personal stories but she keeps saying she won't come then. She has spent £££'s on her outfit and my brother says he bets that she will come but now I'm worried that she's going to turn people against me and will ignore me asking for her to not talk about the negative stories. These stories give me flashbacks and make my PTSD difficult. Is it wrong for me to just want 1 happy and positive filled day?

Sorry for the long post

Fucking hell, have her barred from the venue! Hire some burley bouncers with weapon dogs! She a complete narcissist.

Lucky escape in my opinion. You poor thing make sure the genie know what she looks like and all staff are primed to turn her away if she does arrive.

Sorry OP but she’s never going to be the mother you want and deserve. She’s a leech who will suck you dry if you let her. Ban her from the wedding and go no contact for your own sanity. Focus on yourself and your husband-to-be and enjoy your wedding.

Go NC. She sounds like she has a narcissistic personality. It will never change or get any better.

This bit stood out to me: I really wanted a mother-daughter relationship.

This is not something you are ever going to have. What you will have is a Narc/Scapegoat relationship. That’s terribly sad and it’s so hard to realise that you will never have a loving, normal Mum. All you can do going forward is to accept that none of this is your fault, protect yourself from further abuse and emotional blackmail and break the cycle.

You can’t HAVE a Mum who loves you unconditionally and wants you to be happy but you can BE that Mum - to yourself and to your children. Set an example to them that you will not tolerate abuse and nor should they.

This is YOUR wedding, not hers. You deserve a lovely, calm wonderful day free of your Mother’s antics and attention seeking. She’s calling your bluff and trying to make you feel sorry for her so you will beg her to come to the wedding. I am guessing you find confrontation hard so you need to keep it calm and factual and pretend she is a bratty six year old. The conditions of her coming to YOUR wedding is that she behaves and doesn’t talk negatively about you. If she can promise to do that, she can come. If she doesn’t feel she can behave and remember it’s your day, she is better off not coming. Her choice, no more discussion.

In her eyes you are still her child. You are an adult though. Would you tolerate this sort of manipulation from anyone else?

My mother is like yours and I haven’t seen her for 4 years. Life is much more peaceful now and I can get on with my recovery. Are you having therapy at all?

This is not going to get any better. The relationship that you want is not going to be possible. You have tried and it is having a significant impact on your wellbeing. Be kind to yourself and protect yourself and your child from this abusive behaviour.

The only way your going to get a happy day is for her not to come
If she can’t talk about these negative things at your wedding then she has done you a favour by admitting that

Where she is wrong is to play the victim
In this ... she isn’t... if she changes her mind tell her that’s great but she is to remain positive and upbeat on your wedding eve and day!

If she can’t... have a strong willed friend ready to wrestle her out.

If she plays victim then simply
Say you agreed not to
And you have broken that promise ... no one made you break your promise this is your choice not mine.

But I am hoping she stays in a sulk .. and doesn’t come ... she can return the dress op
And if she can’t she has a pretty dress for a different day.

Big hugs x x

You need to read the website Daughters of Narcissistic mothers and get some more therapy

Good luck with your wedding. If it were me I’d let her flounce and not come and just enjoy the day

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

It was scary reading your OP as the things your DM
says r very similar to the way my narc DM speaks & reacts! If going NC isn’t for you how about the gray rock method? Still allows for some contact but aims to minimise abuse. Obviously don’t tell her or anyone else what you r doing. That doesn’t help you at your wedding tho!

Your DM will behave at your wedding just like she behaved at your trial. It’d probably be best if she’s not there. Tell her ‘yes DM. I agree. I think it’s for the best that you don’t come to the wedding.’ Then make sure the ushers r on the door and ready to swoop if she tried to come in.

If u do let her come to the wedding at least have some trusted relatives on ‘DM watch’ ready to swoop at any sign of drama and prepared to negotiate her out of the room if necessary.

I was told by a psychiatrist that often the scapegoats children are scapegoated too, by the whole family (not just the narc parent!). Please be careful for yourself and your DC. Don’t let your DM continue to inflict abuse and suffering on you and the next generation. You can put a stop to it.

Good luck! It’s a very difficult situation you are trying to navigate

Your mother is making everything about her. She will NEVER stop with her appalling behaviour because narcissistic nightmares like her NEVER change, nor listen, nor take any responsibility.
She couldn’t care less if she upset you, it’s all me me me me, and it always will be.
I suffer with Cptsd and am still in therapy after 3 years. I’m 47 now. She was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. Blamed me for her marriage problems! So many other things, which when confronted with, blamed them all on me.
My brother was the golden child, they helped buy him a house, he almost died when I was 9 years old, and I got absolutely nothing.
Bullied her work colleagues and neighbours.
I didn’t get married to my partner as my mother would have ruined any wedding day I would have organised.
She acted up at other relatives weddings.
They don’t change, but you can. This is a complex situation and you really have to be so strong and put in place very firm boundaries.
In time, you might have to change contact levels.
I have not had contact with my parents for over 15 years.
To have real peace and stability is overwhelming.
You might very well go on a huge journey of discovery when you uncover what narcissistic abuse does. And you can recover.
Narcissistic parents are so damaging.
First and foremost, plan your very special day for YOU and Mr to be. Let her flounce, rage, give ultimatums etc. Go and get your life. And enjoy your run up to your special day, and the day itself. With or without a damaging Narc. Believe me, once you set sail on that voyage of the truth, your eyes will be well and truly opened.
There’s some very good support here. And I wish you the VERY best for your future babe, you deserve something so good to happen to you and your life. Take care xxx

why are you letting her ruin your wedding and life?
she isn't going to change.
she will never be the mum you want/need.

Oh and yes.....I get the I want a mother daughter relationship.....but it works both ways. She has to be respectful. Which is isn’t being and won’t be. She is too absorbed in herself to ever be a decent mother.
I want a mum and dad you know, I would love that. Unfortunately, i’m STILL trying to get over my childhood. 25+ years of prolonged abuse.
I too had a lot of psychiatric care. But in the end, it wasn’t really me who needed it. Nor you.
But Narcissistic parents don’t admit to their failings.
I’m thinking about you x

She’s not capable of having the relationship you want. She’ll ruin you if you keep her in your life.

At some point you're going to have to accept that she's not the mum you want or need and to cut her out of your life. Your expectations of her are completely unrealistic.

You can't have a mother-daughter relationship with somebody who doesn't want one.

Unless you can grow a thick enough skin so that nothing she says bothers you, I'd give up on her. She's not a nice person.

@oprahfan brilliant post!

Thank you for all of your very helpful replies. It's an eye opener I guess part of me feels quite guilty for cutting things off because she portrays herself to family as the victim and that I'm an unruly horrible daughter. My brother and rest of family keep telling me to just forgive her and move on. It's not as easy as that though. I have tried to forgive but I deep down don't think I could ever forgive her for the abuse. Sometimes she also looks quite normal but I'm starting to realise that she makes everything about her. I did about 5 years of intense therapy and a lot of counselling but I feel as if she is slowly picking those cracks open again. I'm not sure how I get the strength to go NC as even now it sort of feels like I'm grieving. Maybe I'll need some professional support to do it. My fiancé and I have spent so much money on this wedding and now I'm worrying more about her turning family against me and them not coming

@Herewegogoooo I will look into the grey rock method, thank you

if she does show up on the wedding day it will be trial day times 1000. How do you think she will cope with you being paid compliments and being centre of attention? She will try to compete. I would be grateful shes made the decision herself and lay low. Also, if any family are stupid enough to believe her lies then you should be glad to see them not attend. everyone who knows you and loves you will be there. congratulations and good luck xx

Formally un - invite her, she will only cry and make herself the centre of attention. I'm sorry, OP, you will never have that mother/daughter relationship from the films.

Ah OP I really know where you're coming from. I have the same kind of mother - mine is also a drinker.

I didn't invite my mother to my own wedding and I don't regret it. Perhaps I am sad about the missed experience of having a lovely memory to share with a mother, but in truth, I don't have a mother like that.

We move from lc to nc and now things are pretty regular but I live in a different country. I'm still a slave to her calls and her needs.

Put yourself first. If she says she won't come then let that be. Her choice. If she turns up then make sure someone is with her all day to 'manage'. Don't let it be you, not on that day.

Is your partner aware of her behavior? Can he back you up? My DH is very good at this.

Lastly, if you can't go NC then you must learn to not let her bother you. Grey rock technique is very helpful. Not being provoked is very useful. Listening to her for a bit then moving on and doing it the way you want is pretty soothing. I also limit what I share with her. You may want to include her more because you think that will make things better. But in truth, what you do is never enough for people like this...they want to completely take over and must always be at the centre of events etc.

Take a step back. And enjoy your wedding..

Oh Blueberry
You have already been through too much. Far too much.
I get the grief. Of course you will feel grief. Grief for the love and childhood you never had and never will.
Grief for never having a good mum and dad.
Grief for never having a solid foundation.
Grief for never having a mother-daughter relationship.
But you have to look after YOU.
It was the only choice left for me.
I didn’t make any grand announcements about cutting my parents from my life.
But believe me.....any Narc parent would get the town cryer out and bells ringing.
Yes, my mother turned manipulated relatives and friends against me. True, decent, intelligent and informed people will see right through your mothers crap.
You have tried very hard, I understand your reasons but you have gone through therapy longer than I have.
I promise you Blueberry, your mother will not change. Nor listen. Nor care.
It is incredibly hard to hear. It is not what you want in your life.
It’s maddening. It’s sad. You don’t get a say. You are not being listened to by your mother and you never will.
Let her threaten, rant, rave, cry, stamp her feet, the lot.
And leave her behind.
Just because someone gives birth to a child does NOT make them a great parent.
She’s an ars#hole of a parent and she does not deserve you or a place in your life.
Grab your future, chase your happiness, and don’t look back for validation.
Those who are replying to you are experienced in Narc abuse. Not everyone makes it out. You don’t get out unscathed.
It would be interesting to know what Mr Blueberry-to-be thinks of your past and your undeserving mother.
He is your future.
Your mother will NEVER be the mother you deserve, deserved, needed, wanted or wished for.
I get it. It’s utter crap. Unfair. Bloody awful.
Please please look after you. You are all you’ve got.
Whatever you do will never be right or enough.
Enjoy your day with all your might. I’m wishing so much love for you. Xx

@oprahfan thank you so much for your touching post. I'm so sorry to hear about the difficulty with your mother

@oprahfan my fiancé is supportive but he has lived a sheltered life and has very loving parents so can't really comprehend all of the issues with my parents. He has said that she will be the one losing out and that if she does decide to come, then she will have to be positive and no personal stories or making a scene and if she does then we would go NC. I'm swaying towards NC now after reading these posts and I hope I have the strength to stick by that

She's awful. And as for turning people against you, I bet a lot of people will already realise how awful she is and take no notice of her!

I understand pining for a mother-daughter relationship. But she will never be the mother you want or deserve.

I'd really suggest distancing yourself from her and focusing on positive, supportive relationships in your life. In the end, those are the relationships that matter.