Narc mother & wedding

[blueberry25]

My mum was emotionally abusive throughout my childhood and her husband was physically abusive. I spent a year in an adolescent psychiatric hospital and then further admissions into adult psych hospitals and suffered with complex ptsd.

When I had my first child I was advised to cut her out of my life but I really wanted a mother-daughter relationship. After 5 years of this and frequently falling out, I am really at my wits end. My flashbacks have come back, I have been having vivid nightmares and have awful anxious stomach upset.

I'm getting married in about a month and she has become jealous of some of the other guests coming to the wedding, she wants special treatment and wants me to make sure that everybody knows that she is the MOTB. She made a big deal out of her outfit and decided to get the pink of the colour scheme. She came over to my house and had a complete breakdown and kept saying that she feels like the poor relations?! Etc. A lot of this seems to be in her head and she is very insecure. I pretty much begged her to go back on anti depressants and when we fell out, she went and got some. She keeps saying that I am leaving her out when I'm not... I have included her in the bridal prep, booked a hotel for us and bridesmaids, invited her friends, ordered her a corsage and seat tags for her only etc.

We tried repairing our relationship again and I invited her along to the make up and hair trial. My bridesmaids, my mother and I all had our trails. When my MOH drove us there the whole time in the car, my mum spoke of herself and kept telling stories. When we drove through a town she said 'this is where I was really ill the other year and I felt like I was going to die, I was so cold and shivering'. My newborn daughter was actually the one hospitalised at the same time she was ill (they both had the same sort of infection) and my daughter had to stay in hospital for a week on oxygen with yucky stuff taken out of her stomach and the whole time my daughter was ill, my mum only moaned about herself.

Anyway, when we arrived, the topics my mum talked to the make up artist and hair stylist about (while I was sat there trying to enjoy myself with my friends) were her being unable to breastfeed me but her golden child (my brother) was perfect at feeding, also stories about how we nearly died at birth and then she couldn't bond with me and my dad and nan took over. Also going into detail about my brothers illnesses and how he could die within a year (he's actually stable atm but upsetting topic) and then when they were talking about eyelashes she kept bleating on about how my brothers eyelashes are beautiful and when he was younger her friends thought he was gorgeous etc. Then she brought up my nans death which was also upsetting and basically ruined my trial. She completely embarrassed me and made it about herself.

When we got back to my house, I tried to talk to her in a nice and calm manner and told her that I don't want her to get upset but what she spoke about really upset me and I felt awkward and embarrassed. She started crying and saying she's an open book and that's the way she is. She said I need to stop using her as a punch bag. Then she said that she is (not meaning it really) sorry for not being perfect like my fiancé's family and my ex husbands mother (I'm really close with her still and she is such a good friend my mum is very nasty about her though - this lady took me in when my mum made me homeless and I got raped. She picked me up when I was really down.

Finally, my mum said she will not come to the wedding and stormed out while I started crying. I said she could come if she does not talk about negative & personal stories but she keeps saying she won't come then. She has spent £££'s on her outfit and my brother says he bets that she will come but now I'm worried that she's going to turn people against me and will ignore me asking for her to not talk about the negative stories. These stories give me flashbacks and make my PTSD difficult. Is it wrong for me to just want 1 happy and positive filled day?

Sorry for the long post

I have a narcissistic mother too, OP. I have been no contact for 6 years now. If your mum is a narcissist, know that she will poison you emotionally and there isn't a lot you can do about it. They don't respect boundaries so it's extremely difficult to limit the amount of toxicity that comes your way or to stop it.

I highly recommend going no contact, for this reason.

I also recommend Karyl Mcbride's book 'Will I ever be good enough?" it's for daughters of narcissistic mothers.

Not surprised Mr Blueberry-to-be can’t comprehend all of the issues with your parents.
Your parents were/are in the WRONG! 100%!
You were the child and THEY let you down very badly and are continuing to do so.
But he will be your stability, and that is so important.
One day, you will be able to tell your story of what you are going through now, and it will be part of someone else’s survival guide.
Just as the others are doing by replying to you.
You have been through too much. And absolutely none of it your fault.
You have a right to tell someone if their behaviour is upsetting and triggering to you.
That someone right now is your mother.
Is she taking what you’ve told her seriously?
No.
She’s crying, lashing out, threatening.
You don’t deserve any more triggering. cPTSD is serious.
You deserve happiness and a future free from harm.
Mr Blueberry-to-be is correct. Your mother will be the one losing out. She is making these idiotic choices and appalling behaviours.
Right now, you really do need to look after yourself.
Did your parents look after you? Are they looking after you now?
Concentrate on the most fabulous time. Grey rock is also a sensible idea to get you through in the short term.
The last thing you need is any more strife.
My parents chose how to conduct themselves and treat me.
Not a single ounce of guilt do I feel.
Grief, oh yes. Easy decision? Not on your nelly!
Joy....peace.....stability.....and knowing that you really are a worthwhile person is what is on the other side.
Don’t take my word for it.
Ask the others the flip side of going NC.
And I know you will have courage in bucket loads.
Go on........get your life. It’s waiting for you!

Cut her off. I did after years of effort with my mum - our mothers sound like they have some similarities - and I've felt better since. A lot better. Stop trying as you'll be wasting your time over and over again.

Oh @Blueberry25 , like so many others here I could have written your post. I endured my DM until I was 50 purely for my DF sake. When he passed away I was finally able to go nc with her and it was such a relief. Yes, my name was mud and she told everyone how her awful daughter had abandoned her in her grief but I knew the truth and that is what matters. Mine eventually got what she really wanted and went to live with golden child and his wife.. he soon realised how awful she was as she proceeded to destroy his marriage so she could have him all to herself.

Be strong, cut her right out of your life. Once you have done it you will feel so much better and happier. Don't let this woman spoil your special day xx

Narcissistic personality disorder! Eek. What a position you're in. Bless you are to busy trying to please. I personally would wean her out of my life. Don't let your kids suffer being part of her life.

She will probably try to make you look bad that's her nature but anyone that knows her will know her personality and probably work out the truth themselves.

• I wouldn't chase her, I would plan that she will turn up. Hope that she takes heed of what you said. I would focus on YOUR day, don't worry about her stories, keep away from her as much as you can. The only person she's embarrassing is herself. I would slowly wean her out as hard as it is, keep a distance after the day.

Wish you luck on your day :-)

@oprahfan
Just fantastic advice.

@cantfindname
Please tell me golden child didn't lose his marriage and moved her out.

Huge hugs OP. As others have said, she is never going to be the mother you need and want her to be. And that’s fine, because now you realise that you can choose what happens next, not her. Having her in your life brings you pain and trauma, and reopens old wounds - you don’t deserve that! Especially when so much wonderful stuff is happening in your life. Your MIL sounds great, and your daughter will know a different mother and life to you ❤️ You’re allowed to grieve and be sad for the relationship you and see will never have, but it’s okay to just cut her out. Xxx