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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A long one... my mum and step dads new will... more £ going to step dads god daughter than me (my mums daughter!)

113 replies

NannyL · 26/07/2007 20:27

My Mum and my step dad are currently making their will:

My step Dad has no children; my mum has my sister and me. But my step Dad has 1 godchild, she is my age, a distant relative, (his aunts grand child I think.)

Anyway my step dad is a very difficult man (he has no contact at all with his father or siblings as they refuse to talk to him) and my mum is very weak and doesn?t like arguing with him over anything.

My mum really thinks that if they die their house should be split 3 ways: between me, my sister and his god daughter.
He thinks (and this is what they will do) that he will leave all his half to his goddaughter, and that my mum can leave her half (i.e. ¼ each) to my sister and I.

I'm REALLY cross cause I think WHY should she get double the amount as me and my sister? (is this really selfish?)

His reasons behind it are: his goddaughter will never inherit anything?. BECAUSE her parents (and grandparents, and her husbands family) have been the type of people who live in council houses and drink and smoke away every penny while living on the dole and doing no work. (I'm not saying that all people who don?t own their own homes are like this (indeed most are not), but her parents (and my step dad and his family etc) ARE ?those type? of people)

And he thinks its unfair on the god daughter that me and my sister will have shares in both of our sets of grandparents estates, and ultimately my father and mother both have large houses which will eventually be left to us as well. (but also my parents and grandparents have had good jobs, are intelligent people and have worked hard to earn their houses!)

Also my mum put (slightly) more than half the value of the house ?in? to the house (Money from divorcing my dad, in my mind it will always be my dads money) Whilst my step dad put in nearly half the value of the house, the reason he had enough money to put in was he was lucky and bought a house that went up in value by a HUGE amount?. Much more so than most other homes which have all gone up loads?.. fair enough, but most of the time he was living in it he was on the dole (or whatever it was called) and income support (or whatever) were paying the interest on the mortgage, so it wasn?t as if he was ?earning? his house going up in value, he was sitting on his bum (living off the state) and was extremely lucky.

I'm feeling REALLY hard done by that my mum cant be bothered to argue with him, and really cross that he wants to give every penny of his half to her. (she doesn?t like arguing with him, leaves that to me )

We (my step dad and I) have NEVER got on, and he has never been nice to me?. My mum went with him while I was 15 years old?. On my 2nd meeting of him ever he told me if I was his daughter id be living in the streets of London and not welcome in his house ? a few months later I was seriously injured in a car accident (was hit at 50mph as a pedestrian and nearly DIED) and neither he nor my mum came to see me for over a week (they don?t ?like? hospitals) and when he did all he did was moan about loosing his camera (bear in mind I had been in intensive care and high dependency and was still very seriously ill)?.

Am I being unreasonable to think that his god daughter should get twice the amount of money to me should they die?

(also I have nothing against the god daughter? she IS a nice ?normal? person, works hard and owns her own house etc, unlike her ancestors )

OP posts:
SweetyDarling · 27/07/2007 08:51

What happens if he dies first. Does your Mum inherit everything from him?

JeremyVile · 27/07/2007 09:03

I want to give you some kind, constructive advice.................

...but i cant get past the comments about people who dont own their own house and how your mums money from the divorce is really your Dads money........

.......So i wont bother

cece · 27/07/2007 09:09

They might not have anything to leave by the time they die. If they have to go into care homes they cost anything from £500 per week so they might not have anything left.

Do not assume it is your right to inherit anything.

sparklesandwine · 27/07/2007 09:09

believe me when your parent dies money will be the last thing you think about

....and if it isn't then i think that says more about you.....

FioFio · 27/07/2007 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ggglimpopo · 27/07/2007 09:14

I don't know if this helps to give you some perspective, but in France you have no choice. Ultimately, the money goes to the children - as you put in so you get out, so here you and your sister would inherit just over half together and your dsd would have to nominate his nearest family member to inherit. No choice. So under Napoleonic law, never mind who he is giving his money to, you would only get what your mother put in, no more and no less, as you are her direct inheritees.

Charlie999 · 27/07/2007 09:26

Its a difficult one - I can understand why you are pissed off but its very hard when at the end of the day, there is very little you can do. Grin and bear it unfortunately. Believe me I know how this feels - but you shouldn't let it eat at you.

However, unless they both die simultaneously it won't be relevant. The spouse will inherit everything and they will have to make a new will and if they wanted, they can disregard the deceased spouses wishes altogether in their new will.

Don't let it stress you out - not worth it....

krang · 27/07/2007 10:27

Interesting that some people here have used the word 'fairness'. The truth is that there is nothing fair about wills. That's not the point of them. A will is not some game or fight to be 'won' or 'lost'. There is not some set-in-stone 'fair' ideal when it comes to wills. It's entirely up to the person making the will who they leave their stuff to. Always has been, always will be, and the best thing to do IMO is to let them get on with it, as otherwise there is a danger that you'll spend the rest of their time on earth rowing and being unpleasant, and then possibly regretting it when it's too late to do anything about it.

I don't want to know what my parents have put in their will. I'm not interested. They can leave it to the Home for Distressed Newsagents for all I care. Their money, their choice.

LittleSarah · 27/07/2007 10:44

I can see why you are feeling annoyed, it is more about your relationship with him and this will emphasizing it, no?

I agree though that generally you should just accept it and be happy to receive anything, and not compare it to his god daughter. I think it would make people's lives much easier if people just did spend all/most of their money and then inheritance wouldn't be an issue:

"When your father died he had £150 left in his current account, after tax, you shall get £35 each."

Who is going to argue over that?

I have a feeling I won't have anymore children (just 1 dd) but if her dad has more (and he is the one with family money) I don't know what will happen, hopefully all his children will inherit equally. If my dd got less I would be angry because it devalued their relationship not because I thought she deserved more money.

Hmmmm, lucky I won't have to concern myself with that for many years! Breathe, LittleSarah, breathe.

Saturn74 · 27/07/2007 10:49

If your mother and step-father own the house equally, then he is perfectly entitled to decide who should inherit his half.

You say you and your step-father have never got on - so it seems odd that you then expect him to name you to inherit from his portion of the assets.

harman · 27/07/2007 10:50

Message withdrawn

aloha · 27/07/2007 11:05

But aren't you also going to inherit from both sets of grandparents and from your father, while this goddaughter is only ever going to inherit from your stepfather - so you are going to be HUGELY better off (provided it doesn't all go on Thai bar girls or Alzheimers care) than your step-dad's goddaughter. And why she should be punished for having 'common' family, I really don't know.
You do appear to be saying that you deserve more because your family are more respectable than hers, which is not very nice.
Obviously you are hurt that clearly your stepfather doesn't like you - that is reasonable. But then again, you don't like him!

RubyRioja · 27/07/2007 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aloha · 27/07/2007 11:07

Well, it might be that he sees you are a woman who is likely to be made comparatively wealthy through multiple inheritance wheras his goddaughter, whom he loves, is going to be much worse off.

heifer · 27/07/2007 11:07

I really don't see a problem with this

My DH and I had a similar will (before we had DD)

If we both either one of us died then the other would get the other half, BUT if we both died at the same time, then my half would be split between my 2 brothers or nephews and DH half would all go to his 1 brother,

so DH brother would have got twice as much as my brothers - but that is what DH wanted to do and I didn't see a problem with it - after all it is his half!

Obviously now a different story as we have DD, which reminds me we really MUST change our wills....

MaloryTheExciterTowers · 27/07/2007 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Orchide · 27/07/2007 11:16

My parents have both died - im only early 30s. My mum, when i was 20. My dad died last year, a week before i found out i was pregnant with my first child - their first grandchild.
This isn't a 'whoa (sp.) is me' message...more to illustrate that life is a bitch, often unfair and just tooo short.

i think it is an unfair situation and i doubt it will change so you need to accept it. As someone else said, concentrate on havign the best relationship you can with your mum accepting her relationshiop with him and how it is. You need to forget about it and not let it eat you up, at the end of the day its 'only' money....your relationship with your mum is much more valuable. Isn't it?

And as an aside...wills don't always equal family rows!

kslatts · 27/07/2007 11:19

I think you are being VERY unreasonable.

newlifenewname · 27/07/2007 11:23

A lot of the stuff in your post about how everybody got to where they are is irrelevant imo and I believe that your mum and her husband should divide the value of the house according to the investment each made and then you and your sis get half of your mum's portion each and your sd can do what he like with his portion. However, it is their house and so completely their decision and not yours.

Frankly, I'd be grateful for anything and would not be making a fuss over something that I never personally worked for and will simply be gaining through inheritance. Thus, none of you 'deserves' any of it so be glad for whatever you do receive.

crokky · 27/07/2007 11:28

To the OP:

I don't know if you are being unreasonable or not, however, you can't do anything about this situation. Therefore, you should not waste your time or energy thinking about it anymore.

My personal situation is that my parents got divorced and my dad married a woman who is my age. They have no kids, but my dad's will leaves everything to his new wife. Me and my siblings will only get anything when his new wife dies (at which time we will also be dead probably as we are the same age). He phoned me and asked me if this was OK. I said "Yes it's fine" and haven't given it another thought. My actual feelings are that this is not what I would have done with the money because if there is one thing I would want from any money that would potentially come my way, it is for my DC to benefit from it. It is his money and if I was him, I would want my DC to benefit. I don't agree with his decision, but I don't bother myself thinking about it because it would achieve nothing.

Divorce is a messy and shit but I deal with it best by forgetting about it.

Washersaurus · 27/07/2007 11:37

TBH I feel it is none of your business what your mother and step father put in their wills; who gets what (if anything) is their decision.

So yes, YABU.

DontlookatmeIamborrrring · 27/07/2007 11:38

I think they should release the equity in the house and bugger off on a round the world cruise - then there would be no money for people to feel hard done by over!

Surfermum · 27/07/2007 11:39

Won't you also inherit from your Dad and his family? Maybe he's thinking that you will benefit from that will, so he wants his half to go to his family.

I don't think this is about the money at all though.

tuppy · 27/07/2007 11:59

I must say I find this sort of speculating about inheritances and what's fair and what's not, really distasteful and sad. Basically, nobody is ENTITLED to anything. Secondly, and mindful of and deferring to the above principle at all times, I'd say given the respective financial input into your mum's/stepfather's home, the shares seem fair.

What if it were the other way round and step dad had 5 god daughters he wanted to leave money to, would you be happy with a 6 way equal split ? .
Thirdly, all this is ONLY relevant, (if at all imo) if they die together; that's unlikely so their "shares" that you've already got your eye on will go to each other in any event unless there's some plan to sell the house on the event of the first death so that you and your sister and g daughter can "get" your "shares". Again unlikely.

pipsqueeke · 27/07/2007 12:02

sorry but yes you are and tbh you remind me of my 'step grandad for want of a better phraase''s daughters.

if it was me - as has been said by all of our family re nan's will. we don't want your money - we want you to live and enjoy your life. i'd rather have anyone alive and only a few memories/keep sakes after than a bundle of cash and a load of hostilitys whilst they're alive.