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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I didn't realise how shit being a single mum is?

27 replies

Help12345678910 · 29/06/2019 17:43

Not that I would change being a single mum as exDP is a dick.

But Christ, I am on my knees here. Not ever having a seconds break, never having some headspace

Doesn't help that my DS has potential autism/ADHD. I would never change him but do any other single parents just feel like they aren't up to the job?

AIBU just to whinge?

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/06/2019 17:49

When my DC were smaller (under 8) I really struggled and didn’t believe I could do it. It was horrible for a long time. Thankfully they’ve grown and luckily for me, they are mostly “easy” children. (DS2 has SEN so has his own challenges) there are still times I could scream and run away and I wish there was someone else here who loved them as much as I do and could take over to give me a break but there isn’t. So I grit my teeth, go outside and take some fresh air, have a smoke if I’m really stressed, then go back in with my game face on and deal with whatever shit is in the fan today. It’s a long hard slog OP. There’s no other way round it but just powering on through. Rest as much as you can. Talk to friends if you have good ones there to vent to. Ask for support if you need it (action for children/school/GP etc) and just keep going. No-one else can raise them for you.

Original poster
Help12345678910 · 29/06/2019 17:49

Also the comments about you aren't really a single mum because the dad has them x amount of times. What about the times where if you don't organise your life on the times the dad doesn't have them? Where you can't leave the house after 7pm to get milk? Or there is no way you can agree to a meeting outside of costly childcare times?

OP posts:
Original poster
Help12345678910 · 29/06/2019 17:51

Oh I definitely get no one else can raise them for you. I wouldn't change my son or a single hair in his head. Single parents need to be applauded though

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 29/06/2019 17:56

I’m not a single parent - I have a fully equal parent in DH, no significant money issues and good job.

I find it utterly relentless some days.

My sister is a single mum and has done an amazing job - I would find it very hard and would not choose it.

Sorry you’re having a tough time OP - how old is your DS? Mine has HFA and is 6. He was diagnosed about a year ago and the EP said as he matures we’ll see the full extent of his needs - I feel like I’m on tenterhooks all the time.

My 16 month old is like a very lively puppy and I fall asleep exhausted every night. I can’t imagine how single parents cope.

Potplant · 29/06/2019 17:58

Oh definitely.
Ex has them once a week , so I have approximately 24 hours to myself. Except not really because it's the day I try to get on top of the housework, do laundry, food shop etc etc.

Sick to death of people telling me what a great dad he is. Yes, if I was only doing it once a week I'd be Mary fuckng Poppins.

It gets easier when they get older and you can leave them to pop to the shops.

Potplant · 29/06/2019 18:00

Ah balls, I've just just voted YABU by mistake. It's my first time voting as well and I got it wrong.

Ignore the poll, you're 100% NBU

pointythings · 29/06/2019 18:03

It's incredibly hard. I haven't been a single mum long, and mine are much older and NT, but it's still hard knowing you are 100% responsible for everything.

KookyBeret · 29/06/2019 18:03

I get what you mean completely. I'm lucky to live quite close to family so I get a lot of support there but having all the responsibility for two small humans placed on your shoulders is exhausting. It was worse a few years ago when they were baby and toddler and, now, aged 8 and nearly 7, they're becoming great people.

Original poster
Help12345678910 · 29/06/2019 18:04

@Merryoldgoat I don't think anyone who has a partner automatically has it easier. Having a kid with SEN is brutal no matter what. It is relentless. My DS is also 6.

My exDP only has him when I am at work so there is no free time.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 29/06/2019 18:08

Sorry - I wasn’t trying to say I have it hard, it was more I find it hard and have it easy, so can’t imagine what’s it’s like for a single parent.

Is your son’s school supportive? Mine has been fantastic - it’s been such a help.

The lack of free time must be utterly shit.

Original poster
Help12345678910 · 29/06/2019 18:12

@merroldgoat no I got that! Was more sympathising, sorry if that didn't come across.

My son is on a part time timetable owing to additional needs and I am currently in discussions with council about funding and EHCPs. More nightmares.

OP posts:
Grumpymug · 29/06/2019 18:16

It's very hard and I only have one with no SEN, but I know how totally overwhelming it can be. In some ways it gets easier as they grow up, but then it's just a different set of challenges in reality and I think the hardest thing is not really having anyone to bounce things off for a quick reality check like two parent families can (though I do understand from reading on here that's not always the case)
I can go to the shop (or send her which is great!) And she's not as reliant as she was but I feel so overwhelmed at the prospect of GCSES, a levels and uni, and quite how I'm going to create enough hours in the day to earn enough to make it happen and support her through it as a parent should.
It's unrelenting and sometimes you don't feel like a parent, more like a PA! But it's worth it, I promise.

BigRedLondonBus · 29/06/2019 18:19

Well I’m a single parent to 4 so life is ridiculously tough,
My ex is absent and has been for years so no help there (not even financially as he manages to avoid cm) 2 of mine have asd, yeh it’s pretty shit tbh.

DollyTwat · 29/06/2019 18:19

It is unbelievably shit sometimes op, like being on a hamster wheel you can’t get off. I’m a single mum and it didn’t start to get any easier til they were about 12.

There are upsides, you can parent how you want without having a row with a fuckwit partner.

I did have the support of some family and friends. That’s what I’d suggest, build up your friend network. Invite them over to you for evenings whilst your Ds is small, means he can go to bed and you get the evening to yourself. I used to sometimes stay with friends, with the dc, to give me a change of scenery

Keep going - I know you have to! In a few years it will get easier I promise

MissB83 · 29/06/2019 18:23

YADNBU. I'm finding it a bit easier having moved nearer to family but it is relentless. I just feel exhausted all the time, and life is never really "fun" IYSWIM, it's just a slog.

Original poster
Help12345678910 · 29/06/2019 18:25

@BigRedLondonBus hats of to you. My exDP also has no financial contribution and I understand that burden but you have 4 children. You are a superhero!

@DollyTwat playdates are out for me at the moment as my son's SEN don't lend to making friends so a bit isolated. The school mums tend to ignore me! I have lost a lot of friends because of it. But I completely agree with your analogy of a hamster wheel!

OP posts:
Original poster
Help12345678910 · 29/06/2019 18:59

@MissB83 yes! Nothing is exactly fun anymore but no one can quite understand that

OP posts:
Original poster
Help12345678910 · 29/06/2019 19:46

Bump

OP posts:
ThomasRichard · 29/06/2019 19:58

YANBU. DD drew me a lovely card the other week and then wrote inside that I need to get married to daddy again because I can’t cope with her and her brother Sad She adores her dad and I just rationalise that she is 6, hasn’t had her dad at home for 4 years and only sees him twice a month where she gets to do fun things all weekend so of course she thinks he’s the great parent and I’m boring and rubbish. It doesn’t half hurt though.

Cookiecookiecookie · 29/06/2019 19:59

You need some other single mum friends they can be so supportive and understanding and were and still are family to me
I was a sm for 12 years before I met my husband . The bond between me and my child when it was just ya though was amazing . No one can take that away from you

MissB83 · 29/06/2019 21:08

I often just think FML, there doesn't seem to be anything for me anymore just for myself but I guess that's how it goes. Sad

MindfulBear · 29/06/2019 22:47

I moved overseas with work and ended up leaving DP behind unintentionally (visas / lack of work options).

I became a part time single mum by accident.

YANBU!

It was bloody hard work. Not being able to run out to get milk after they went to bed. No time to myself. The relentlessness. The responsibility.

Yes..... The 2Rs.

The fact that at 2am (after 4 hours of barking and crying and breathing funny) I was wringing my hands with concern and wondering if I should go to the ED (I did). I had no one to turn to. No one to check in with (DP was in the air on the way back to the UK so not contactable!). All I had was the nhs website.
Navigating a foreign health system and ED was another first to do on my own!!!.

Having to take my DC on a business trip because there was no one to look after them in my absence was also a reminder of how alone we were.

I have huge respect for single parents as a result.

Lean on others as much as you can. Take a break when the opportunity presents itself. Don't over plan non work days. Keep it simple. Be super organised and always meal plan and plan ahead. (I always kept a spare bottle of milk, butter & loaf of bread in the freezer!!)

Anarchyshake · 29/06/2019 22:48

So many people have no idea what it's really like. Because they've not been there. And not every single parent has the same experience of it either.

I'm gutted I became a single mum. And I went through that twice. Which was a huge part of the reason I knew I'd never have kids again.

MindfulBear · 29/06/2019 22:50

And as another PP said - enjoy the fact you can also parent how you like without criticism or being overruled.
As much as I love being back with DP full Time - I do miss that !!!

Starlight456 · 29/06/2019 22:59

My Ds 12 has Adhd.
He is hitting puberty. I would love someone to just give me a break.
I planned to pick up repaired laptop, take him to barbers and buy myself a bottle of Gin. Due to his mood none have happened so Saturday night watching wentworth in bed ( no gin) till I go to sleep . Dad is absent so no breaks .