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Original poster

How do people do it

29 replies

CookieCheesecake · 29/06/2019 15:50

Name changed.

Basically.. I’m going through a break up. I was with the guy for a year. It started as a FWB exclusive thing but become much more.

And to be frank I’m pretty upset by it. He ended it Thursday.

I keep crying on and off all day since I found out.

I’m doing all the things you should. Gym, talking to friends. I haven’t really eaten since Thursday as I just feel sick all the time.

I didn’t realise how much I felt for him until this happened.

When we meet we both knew each other had kids (2 each). He’s basically decided after a year that he doesn’t want to be with someone long term that has kids as he would resent having to raise someone else’s kids when he can’t look after his own. He said he probably always thought it would be ok but now it’s not and it’s not something he wants.

I’m pretty upset considering he knew I had kids.

What I want to know is how do people do this over and over again? I see it all the time that people are in relationships for a year or 2/3/4 etc and then the split up. How can anyone go through this kind of heart break over and over ?

I left the father of my kids as we fell out of love so there was no heart break here.

Also any tips to make me feel better ? I’m trying to keep busy. Go to the gym. Iv cried more in a few days then I have in years to be honest as I’m not a crier. Iv told him I hate him and none of it’s made me feel back to Normal.

I just want to feel normal again now and il do anything to get there as quick as possible.

Help :(

OP posts:
Original poster
CookieCheesecake · 29/06/2019 15:52

For comparison I’m 29 and my relationship with the father of my kids lasted 10 years and this relationship a year yet I’m far more all over the place from this.

How are you meant to just keep doing it over and over

OP posts:
Laiste · 29/06/2019 15:55

How old are your kids OP? Have they got to know him ect?

I sympathise, but i guess when you're trying to blend families you have to take it all veeeery slow. I was with now DH 2 years before i even introduced him to my oldest 3.

Flowers
Original poster
CookieCheesecake · 29/06/2019 15:58

we never meet each other’s kids. We were probably just getting to the stage we’re we wouldnof been thinking about it as we started out as fwb so the first few months was seeing each other weekly.

OP posts:
Original poster
CookieCheesecake · 29/06/2019 15:58

They are 8 and 6

OP posts:
ElizaPancakes · 29/06/2019 16:02

You just need time. It’s only been two days.

Original poster
CookieCheesecake · 29/06/2019 16:04

I know. These 2 days have felt like forever though.

Iv still gotta get some stuff on Wednesday.

OP posts:
Original poster
CookieCheesecake · 29/06/2019 16:35

Is no contact the way forward after getting my stuff?

OP posts:
Greyhound22 · 29/06/2019 16:41

Yes def no contact.

I think you so did the right thing not introducing the kids - I see so many people do it after weeks.

I'm sorry it is so difficult when you can see a future with someone. I think it's pretty shit of him really to take 12 months to think of that but at least you know that now. You wouldn't want someone who couldn't accept your kids would you?

AyBeeCee10 · 29/06/2019 16:46

I don't think that he was unreasonable. It was a fwb thing so either of you didn't expect it to work out to more than that. He is entitled to feel the way he does about your kids, at least he was honest about that. It is devastating to go through a heartbreak but the best is to keep busy and fill that space that he previously occupied.

Original poster
CookieCheesecake · 29/06/2019 20:02

No my kids come first 100%. We were just enjoying time together without kids etc.

@AyBeeCee10 - it was only a fwb thing for the first 2-3 months because all I wanted was sex. It was much more then that before we got to the year mark but your right is rather know now then in another 6 months time.

OP posts:
Cecilandsnail · 29/06/2019 21:53

Ah bless you. It's a truly shitty time. You have to start small, minute by minute, hour by hour stuff at first. Like just making sure you cover the basics if eating and sleeping as best as you can. Definitely no contact AT ALL. And don't allow yourself to look at photos or read old messages or Facebook stalk. You're just tipping vinegar into an open wound doing that. First couple of weeks hardest. Distract yourself to the max. Get into a Netflix series or a podcast, or a book if it suits you but I found reading to hard in this stage as my mind wanders too easily with a book, or maybe it requires more faculties than I had available to engage than just passively staring or listening. Set an alarm for eating and drinking if you're struggling, even if it's at two hourly intervals to remind yourself go have a cup of tea or a piece of cheese and an apple. Sounds bonkers but I listened to a radio 4 thing once that found that heartbreak presents to the body and brain as physical pain would, and that a paracetamol genuinely works to ease it! Not advocating popping loads of painkillers but it might help to take one of an evening if you're feeling sheer pain.

Week 3 starts to get a tiny bit easier than that raw would destroying dry heave sobbing shocking heart agony. Start to make tentative steps into building a new normal. Use this next week or so to do nice things for yourself...whatever you like, as big.or as small. Paint your nails, listen to death metal in the bath, plant some flowers, walk in the woods or go for a posh dessert somewhere. Just little nice cheer you up rewards.

As time moves from weeks into a month or two months...really focus on out with the old and in with the new. Make bigger plans for nice things...a gig with a friend (bonus if it's a.band that your ex would hate!!), bug day out with your kids, or maybe take up a new hobby together. The pain DOES and WILL ease. Poor you though. It fucking sucks!

ChristmasInJuly · 29/06/2019 22:09

Cecilandsnail has some excellent advice there. I would second not looking at his social media at all. I find “out of sight, out of mind” to be true. It’s fucking horrible at the beginning, you just want to fast forward a couple of months and feel normal again, but you will.

Ginger1982 · 29/06/2019 22:09

Whatever you do don't sleep with him again!

Original poster
CookieCheesecake · 30/06/2019 06:32

Thanks everyone

@Cecilandsnail - im trying hard as possible to keep busy and it does seem to be working a bit. Your also right about the paracetamol thing. I read that yesterday while googling stuff in the morning and I can’t lie that I actually felt better all afternoon as I took them every 4 hours. I didn’t cry in the afternoon.

I went over my friends house for a bbq last night and it wasn’t actually that bad. I never cried all night although I looked like shit. I actually felt a bit normal so I’m going to focus on that.

He did text last night to say he’s feeling depressed, he’s not happy etc and he’s also trying to keep busy he also said night and he hopes I get some sleep last night.

Which I did.

I keep reading over and over again how long will it take to get better on the internet as if that’s going to fix me.

@Ginger1982 - once I have my stuff back Wednesday I plan to go completely no contact so I won’t be sleeping with him.

He has said we can remain friends and he really wants to not lose me out of his life as we were so much more but that won’t work for me, Iv already explained that in our case my friendship come with our relationship and he won’t get one without the other.

OP posts:
x2boys · 30/06/2019 07:06

He can't have it both ways he either wants to be with you or he doesnt,if he doesn't then it's best you are not friends ,ime,it's easier just to cut all contact ,if you try to be friends than you can't get over the break up, you will get over him it just takes time,years ago I broke up with someone after about six months I was " devastated " at the time advised I thought I would never get over it but I did just keep busy and be kind to yourself.

Original poster
CookieCheesecake · 30/06/2019 07:11

@x2boys - are you truly over it now ? I think I’m more afraid that I’m still going to feel like this in a month/2/3/4 etc amount of time.

This isn’t me. I don’t cry etc. All my friends know me as ‘the strong friend’. I just don’t see how I can ever let another person in again when they have the ability to literally make you feel physical pain by dumping you.

He won’t be getting my friendship. 1) I won’t be able to do it. 2) that’s not what I signed up for. It’s all or nothing to be honest and he’s picked nothing.

OP posts:
x2boys · 30/06/2019 07:31

It was nearly 20 years ago so yes!😂and I'm happily married now ,I just remember how devastated I felt at the time,two days is nothing ,you might still not be over him in a few months but it gets easier I promise ,if he',s finished things than it wasent right, now matter how much you love him in time you will look back and realise that he wasent the love of your life and I get there are lots of things that were annoying about him? It might help to focus on that.

Original poster
CookieCheesecake · 30/06/2019 07:49

@x2boys - at least I know in 20 years time il be ok! Grin

He defiantly has some annoying traits! Like we all do.

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 30/06/2019 08:05

It's such a difficult time.Flowers You are grieving for the relationship, what it could have been as well as what it was. PP have given great suggestions, look after your physical health to help with your mental health. You did really well to go out yesterday.

I remember a bad split from a few years ago, we'd been together 5 years. I felt so vulnerable for ages, but it really was for the best in the long term. I'm sure that will be the case for you too.

Beautiful3 · 30/06/2019 08:44

Im sorry you're going through a bad time. Definitely delete his number and him on social media accounts, after you get your stuff back. You will start to feel better with time. Keep yourself busy and distracted even when you're alone, read a book or listen to a pod cast.

Original poster
CookieCheesecake · 30/06/2019 08:58

@OwlinaTree - how long did it take you to feel better ?

I will be deleting his number. I can’t do friends even though that’s what he wants as he said he’s never been as close with another person before. Sharing personal stuff but I don’t want friends. All in it all out.

OP posts:
Original poster
CookieCheesecake · 30/06/2019 08:58

All in it all out I meantBlush

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 30/06/2019 13:32

About a month for the worst of it. Wobbles after that. Met someone else about 3 months later.

Original poster
CookieCheesecake · 30/06/2019 14:17

@OwlinaTree - were you worried getting into another relationship so soon after that the same thing will happen?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 30/06/2019 18:34

Also I would block him on social media. I went through a stage of 'stalking' my ex online - ie i was constantly on his FB seeing what he was up to and then, of course, when he got a gorgeous new girlfriend I saw it. Pressing the delete button was great!

Ironically, given he dumped me, he has emailed me periodically over the last 10 years, usually at times when it seems his relationship is struggling (he's now married with DC as am I) and after exchanging pleasantries I usually just start ignoring him.

Twat.