Another argument with dh

[mummyrocks1]

All we seem to do is argue and we just have different views on everything. It's got to the point where I don't even know who's right or wrong these days. We don't seem to get on.

So dh has his own business so is stressed quite open as the sales is on him all the time. He has periods where it's work, work, work but also periods where he seems not to have lots to do and works from home etc. He generally works from 9.30-6.30 everyday. He calls them long hours but I think that's pretty standard.

His time management is not good and he puts things he doesn't want to do off until the last minute and so then gets stressed.

This week a big proposal came in which he started talking about Thursday. He worked from home Friday but didn't do it as he put it off and did other admin things instead. Then we discussed our weekend plans and he said he would do it this Saturday and some gardening. I said I was going to the gym and then fine as we have to wait in for a delivery anyway. We got up at 8, I went to the gym at 10 and returned about 12. When I got back the kids were in front of the tv. I expected dh was doing his work, fine, I was ready to take over.

Dh has just come up and said he's doing gardening now and wants to do his work tomorrow. I explained that we are seeing his friends tomorrow and having family time, it's been in the diary. He says if he doesn't get work done in the morning tomorrow he can't come. I said I d be upset if he didn't come, it's family time but he doesn't care.

I asked why he hasn't done it this morning between 8-1. He's had b fast, washed up and sorted WiFi speed which didn't even need doing. He's prioritised things that aren't urgent. He's now said he's not in the head space to do it and wants to do gardening instead.

We ended up getting in a huge fight and he went back to trying to guilt trip me that he won't be able to pay himself if the proposal isn't done, I dong work, have had leisurely morning at gym. Which is true- but I can't help that he's not done this work. I know we re going to end up having massive argument tomorrow as there's no way he's going to get work done tomorrow morning before afternoon out. We have had conflict over weekends before and agreed one day chilling in and one day/half day out to please both of us. He has an entire weekend to do this work and is choosing to do it the one afternoon we are meant to be going out.

His argument is I am dictating when he does his work, he's worked all week and I haven't, I don't know what pressure he's under and he wants chill time today.

You are seeing his friends tomorrow and he wants to cancel. Let him, they are his friends, it reflects poorly on him not you. You can have family time another day, work really needs a little priority and maybe he's not ready to tackle this proposal today. We all have days like that. Give him slack, it's hot.

I arranged it though, I want to see them, I like going out and having family time. He's not bothered by doing anything social. We wouldn't have any friends if I didn't sort it. We agreed one day in (for him) and one day out (for me)

That would drive me round the bend. He's a prevaricator. Which is fine if no one depends on you either at home or at work. His attitude is interfering with family time and that's not ok. Does he have to work the weekends or is it a case of if he got his arse in gear then weekends would be work free? I don't know what the solution is though, sorry.

He has being engaging in displacement activity because he can’t motivate himself. He is waiting until last minute panic pushes him to act because he needs the fear to push him into action.

It doesn’t work well as a strategy when you have other commitments.

I should add that I can be like this so I sometimes set myself artificial deadlines e.g. I must have read x by lunchtime to motivate myself. I also find breaking big tasks down into smaller steps can get me going. He needs to find a strategy to deal with this as he knows he needs to get it done and that is why he is being arsey with you as it is weighing him down.

Chaz- yes, I think he works better when he's left it to the last minute and has a tight deadline. He puts things off he doesn't want to do and does things that aren't a priority first. I personally think he's disorganised and if he was more productive during the week and got to work earlier he wouldn't need to work late and at weekends.

But he does juggle at lot of things and seems to get tired much quicker than most people. He says his to do list was super long this week and he does have lots of pressure. He's worked late two evenings this week but then has left early once, been out for a curry with his mates once and had a lazy 'working from home' day yesterday doing admin in the sun in the garden. Plus one full day doing a photo shoot for the website of the business. I tried to talk to him about being more organised and time efficient but he denies this is the problem. To him, it's purely workload.

Chaz- he doesn't want to get a strategy for it, it's too much work load in his opinion, not disorganisation. His argument is to guilt trip me that I am not working and he's bringing all the money in and I am stopping that by not allowing him to work at weekends. We ve had many talks about strategies to sort this- decided one day in, one out at weekends, paid off mortgage to ease pressure to earn a certain amount, change jobs as it's impacting too much in our lives- he doesn't want to, delegate more to his useless business partner- he doesn't ever sort out a meeting to review job roles- too busy/ can't be bothered, he has an extra hour after I ve left for school run to sort out what he's doing that day, have a proper plan, wear headphones in office so doesn't get so distracted and constant interruptions- he doesn't want to.

He very much valued how many hours someone puts in as meaning they are working hard, rather than how productive they are or how they fill those hours.

He might benefit from this book
www.amazon.co.uk/Getting-Things-Done-Stress-free-Productivity/dp/0349408947/ref=nodl_?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

If he is organised and still struggling then he may need additional staff or to outsource some tasks. It’s difficult to know until he puts a system in place.

Go visit his friends without him!

Will mention book- although he will be crossing I say it's from here. Thanks. He doesn't read though as too much staring at computer screens all night. He spends lots of time doing social media business connections, which I get is important but surely not as much as doing a proposal.

He is very disorganised. I can imagine what he's like but he refuses to admit it's a problem, refuses to put anything in place.

He's now said he ll do it tonight- which he won't, or he will say I am making him do it tonight. He says we hardly talk to each other, but I feel we argue when we do, with one or both of us are on our phones or he's doing work. He s happy to be apart in the evening if he wants to watch football but not if I want to do something.

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The is being a self important arse then. He wants to do whatever he wants and you should put up with it because he is the main breadwinner. I am the main breadwinner and for quite sometime DH was a SAHD, my job has been very high pressure at times including weekend working but that didn’t allow me to opt out of family life.

He values his work more than the family time, that may be partly due to the financial pressure but he is also getting satisfaction from it.
What would happen if you offered to share the financial burden by getting paid work?

Random mess- I wanted to spend family time together. We ve not seen each other much this week.

He says even when he does make an effort I am not affectionate or interested in him. That is proper true- I am not an affectionate person, he talks on and on about work, I try to listen but do switch off. I don't think he knows how much he talks about it. We are both properly on phones in the evening, he doesn't want to watch the tv I want to watch or talks over it about work. We don't discuss the program. We end up arguing. He's happy to go in the other room if footballs on but then says we don't spend time together. But I feel disconnected to him so therefore don't want sex, cuddles much as we just argue about everything. I feel he's selfish and this is another way example.

He's checked out of being a family. Sounds like he wants time with you (just you) when and only when it suits him...

I guess the question is: do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? Is this what you want for your children: a dad who is obsessed about work and doesn't engage in family life. Is he concerned as to what is being modelled at the children with regards to relationships.
Personally, I'd be making plans to divorce as I couldn't live like this and he won't change. He's had his chances, your suggestions, ideas to help and he's not interested. You can't change him, you can only change how you react to the situation.

Random mess- I am going back to studying to get paid with but it will take a few years.

I think he does really feel the financial burden. He gets tired more stressed than the average person and I don't think he's got the head space for family responsibilities too. I get that. I pick everything else up but don't do everything . I would like him to leave his work as it has so much impact on our lives, but he doesn't want to and says he ll take a pay cut which we can't afford.

There’s a saying that there are 2 types of self employed people, those who are working for themselves because they are brilliant organisers, and those that are forced into it because they are unemployable.

Hate to say it but he sounds like the second type.

Reveal- no that's not the case. He's very good at his job. They are trying to grow the business and it's difficult. He under lots of pressure and has many roles in his work. He is responsible for all sales so feels the pressure to get x amount of revenue in a month.

No, I don't want to live like this. I ve told him that many times. We never know how much he's going to get paid, it's a lot of hard work for his wages. It impacts heavily on our lives. We ve talked about him leaving, he would struggle to be employed by someone after having his own business for so long, there are many advantages to having his own business- flexible working patterns, the business is just taking off, he thinks he won't earn as much.

He didn't want to work today after his week, he hasn't got the head space. I understand that but it means we miss family time tomorrow. He says I don't understand, i am
Too black and white when I try and stick to agreements that have been made, I say he's selfish.

The thing is if he were employed he wouldn't get away with "not having the head space today" he'd be expected to just get on with it. He's being very selfish. You could get a part time job surely? Oh but then he'd have to step up and be a parent. Hmm.

He’s a procrastinator OP. I know because I’m exactly the same. Then at the last moment the panic sets in and things get done. Have a read of this...maybe he’d read it too, and it’ll help to see why he does this.

waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html

He's very good at his job. They are trying to grow the business and it's difficult. He under lots of pressure and has many roles in his work

He was doing gardening, and admin instead of doing an important proposal which means he would get paid. He is not good at his job.

Magic- yes I think he is. Last minute deadlines suit him but impact on our lives. We often joke he d be sacked if he had a proper job. I also think this is why he doesn't want to leave.

He's now said he doesn't have to do it until Tuesday- a new deadline. So a pointless argument but it highlights our differences yet again I am sure we ll have it for the millionth time again.

Yabbers- he's not good at prioritising, time keeping and doing things he doesn't want to do- in and out of work. He's the only one out of his business partners who could do it.

He wouldn't be sacked if he had a 'proper job' because he'd have a job that worked to deadline.
You seem to have lots of issues in your relationship and presenting an unified front to friends when you are struggling to have conversations and be affectionate in private seems the wrong focus to me.
As someone who works to deadlines I do have a bit of sympathy with your DH. If the proposal came in late in the week then I'd expect him to be working over the weekend and I wouldn't begrudge the time you see as prevaricating because it's likely he's thinking about/planning the proposal whilst he's gardening.
You've entrenched into different sides on everything. Get the proposal out of the way then get away from home and try to have an honest chat about everything that isn't working.

Maybe you should give him a deadline of your own: he either steps up to family life and gets organised with his work by such a date, or you will file for divorce. And mean it.
You are fighting a losing battle here trying to change an adult. You can only change how you respond and act. Don't like things? Then it's up to you to change things in whatever way you can. Sometimes that means walking away.